A Place to Rest My Head
by Xeye.two.eyeX
Summary: Varric has never told Hawke of his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric
1. Chapter 1

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told her his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Sexual relations, cursing.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

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><p>"Varric!" a familiar voice shouts across the Hanged Man as the door opens. I look up from the crowd I was telling a story to and spotted the woman walking up to me through the rather large crowd. "Oh sorry! I didn't know you were telling a story!"<p>

I smile, why did it matter? I would always stop what I was doing for her. "That's okay, I'll finish it later," I state nodding apologetically to the people listening as they walked away. "Okay Hawke, what's on your mind?" I could tell she really needed to talk alone so I gestured for her to follow me up to my room where we could talk without people overhearing us. She was usually a very open person so this must be big for her to need privacy.

We got to the room and I could tell she was about to burst and as soon as I closed the door it just exploded. "I need your help!" she nearly shouts holding up her arms. I jerk back a bit in surprise. She was usually such a calm, patient person so to see her all frazzled was something of a shock to me.

"It's usually me who needs your help," I comment moving to sit her down in a chair so that she would stop pacing back and forth across the room. I moved a chair to sit right in front of her, our knees almost brushing, and leaned back with my hands tented in front of me. "Now, tell me what you need."

She sighed and sat back to relax in the chair running a hand through her short dark hair. I could see the flush of her cheeks and knew she had run all the way from Hightown just to talk to me; it was kind of flattering to know. It had also been a rush to get here because she wasn't wearing her armor; instead, she was wearing just the under clothing to her armor which was a special, dark leather Fenris had given her as a gift for helping him through his issues. It helped with the armor chaffing her skin and also kept a lot of warmth whenever they went up the mountain on their random missions. The fact that her mother had allowed her to walk out of the house in her form-fitting leather suit was rather scandalous for a lady of Hightown. Then again, she had never been a true lady in the sense that she liked working hard and enjoy wielding the giant sword on her back.

She finally opens her mouth to speak after a long time of silence. "Mother is setting me up with another suitor," she mutters and I watch as her face flushes darkly in embarrassment. She hated it when her mother tried to set her up with random noblemen. "He's from the estate just near Fenris' mansion and...Maker I can't do this! Not again! None of them know how to wield a sword, they don't know how to fight, and they definitely don't know how to take care of themselves!" she nearly shouts in frustration. She sighs and throws her face into her hands slumping her shoulders. I shake my head at her and stand to walk behind her.

"Come on, Hawke, it can't be that bad!" I tease kneading her shoulders to relax her a bit. Instantly, her body became like jelly under my hands. She was really tense. I smiled at how much she trusted me; I knew not many people were allowed to touch her other than family so to know that she not only allowed me to touch her but to massage her as well? I was flattered, yet again.

"Mm," she hums for a second before shaking her head. "It's just that...if I'm going to marry someone I want it to be someone that I actually care for. I don't care about status and I don't care about money. Those little boys were born into money...I fought for it with blood, sweat and tears. They will never understand how I came to money." She had a point and I knew she didn't want to marry any of the men her mother could ever set her up with but for some reason I wanted her to so that she could have a cushy life. Yet, I knew she would never be content with a life of luxury and tedium. "I want a strong, courageous, passionate, loving mate who knows how to wield a weapon and can fight with me on missions! Mother doesn't seem to understand that."

I worked out a particularly stubborn knot in her shoulder blade that I knew came from swinging her giant blade around and watched her smile softly. "Yeah, well, why don't you just beat them to a pulp?" I tease as she turns around to look at me with her unnerving silver eyes. She always got me with those eyes and there was more than one person that stopped in their tracks just by looking at her eyes. I felt my heart stop when I saw the intense thought in her face before she turned back around.

"Will you come with me?" she suddenly asks making me quirk an eyebrow. "Tonight, we're walking around Hightown at night, his idea, and I...just in case someone comes after us. I need someone to watch my back." I could see that this took a lot for her to ask. She could take care of herself, I knew this as well as she did but I also knew it wasn't for physical protection that she needed me to come with her. She needed me for mental support and a quick escape if things went badly with the suitor. "It's okay if you don't have time or-"

"Hawke, you know I will," I laugh feeling her let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, Varric, I don't know what I'd do without you," she chuckles lightly running a hand through her hair again. "You can just meet me in Hightown at sunset. We will have finished dinner by then; I'll even save you some!" She smiles back at me brightly and I can't help but return the gesture. Her smile was so contagious.

I moved away from her to sit back down. "I do love Olivia's cooking!" I state rubbing the stubble on my chin lightly.

"Then it's settled! Thank you, Varric, you're the best friend a girl could ever have!" she states kissing me on the cheek before turning to leave my room.

I sit there for a long time staring after her and sigh deeply. Maker if she knew why I truly wanted to follow her then she would never speak to me again. I stand up to get ready for her date thinking of all the ways I could completely ruin it for the man. Though, Hawke seems to be able to do that on her own without my help. She hated every man that her mother ever put her together with. I knew she would never stay with any of them but I still had the urge to sabotage any attempts at her heart. All because I was too much of a coward to admit my own feelings for her.

"Maker help me," I mutter as I walk out the door towards Hightown.

I got there early to make sure nothing was going on in Hightown that night and as I crept around in my stealthy ways I saw that the way was clear, for now. Moving towards the house I came in just enough time to hide behind a pillar as the door to Hawke's estate opened up two people issuing forth into the lamp light of the street. I saw the man and he wasn't all that impressive. Actually, he was rather drab for a nobleman. He had brown hair the color of hay and honey eyes; he was barely taller than Hawke and wasn't nearly as toned as she was. He obviously had never held a sword in his life.

Then, Hawke came out.

I just glanced her way but then had to do a double take to let my brain process what she was wearing. Instead of her heavy armor she was wearing a dress, _a dress! _I was pretty sure I was dreaming. She was wearing a dress with a high bodice and a corset under her breasts holding them up rather nicely. Though I was sure she didn't need anything to hold up them up with how much she trained and fought. The dress was a lovely blue color that matched the sky in the spring time with gold trimming around the corset's bone inlay and her collar that went high up on her neck. She was wearing her hair perfectly parted and I could tell her mother had had a hand in dressing her up because she actually had make up. Her mother should have skipped on the make-up. Not because it didn't look good but because it brought out her eyes. She didn't need it! Her eyes were already unnerving as it was! She would frighten the poor creature off!

Then again...

Anyways, she shocked the hell out of me and looked bored to boot as she started to walk with the man through Hightown. She seemed so enthralled by the man's conversation...no that was a joke, yes a very big joke. She was so bored as the man talked about nothing but himself and it was obvious she was growing fed up with him. I shook my head. If I had a woman like that walking through Hightown with me...man, I would never let go. She wouldn't even know what hit her! I'm sure this boy had never even seen a woman's under clothing let alone knew how to handle a woman like Hawke.

And my mind was gone from there conjuring ways I could make the woman writhe under me in pleasure. God, she was probably a monster in bed. She was so calm and patient but I bet she was the complete opposite where sex was concerned. Hawke had told me that she wasn't very experienced one night when we had been drinking; she seemed more honest and open when she was under the influence. She had told me that she had had a few lovers mostly at the Blooming Rose and yes, they were good at what they did but that it didn't mean much to her. Mostly, it had been a dare from Isabella. I had always thought Isabella would convince Hawke to sleep with her. I was wrong though; Hawke wasn't interested in someone that slept with everyone like Isabella. Then again, she had gone to the Blooming Rose.

I sighed softly running a hand over my face as I tried to envision what Hawke would look like spread out on a bed, naked...flushed with arousal...begging for me to-Oh that had to stop! Oh no, that was bad. I wished I didn't have such a wonderful imagination then I couldn't create images that set my blood on fire like that. Besides, I had a job to do and if she needed me then I would be there to save her...help her because she definitely didn't need saving. Well, she did need to be saved from boredom.

I watched as they rounded a corner into an alley not too far from Fenris' mansion and I was barely to the corner when I heard my name being shouted.

"Shit," I muttered hearing the sounds of commotion as I rushed around the corner. I wasn't surprised to see Hawke holding two daggers and killing her third Coterie assassin. Her dress was already covered in blood and I could see her struggling with it.

"Fucking dress!" I hear her scream just as I took down one of the men coming at her from behind. "Thanks Varric!" She reached down to rip off the bottom of her dress right up to her mid-thighs. "Ah, much better!" Now a bit more free, and distracting, she had better range of motion and she started to fight with more fervor. I lined my sights up with another man just as a shadow dropped from a nearby rooftop to join the fight. I jerked over to aim for the shadow but saw familiar glowing lyrium veins and stopped myself as Fenris cut down another man coming up behind Hawke. "Fenris!" she laughs brightly as the man throws her one of his extra two-handed swords for her to use. She threw the daggers away and caught the sword to take on the group of people coming after her with Fenris helping her out.

I watched them fight together and was suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of jealousy at how well they melded together in their battles. She usually took Fenris with her because Aveline was always busy so they were used to backing each other up. Fenris was incredibly helpful in watching blind spots and Hawke was great at taking down large groups of enemies with one swing. It was hard to see them laughing during the fight and enjoying some healthy banter while cutting down mountains of enemies until there weren't any left.

"Fenris, what are you doing here?" she laughs while trying to wipe the blood from her face with her bloodied sleeve.

"Here," I say handing over my handkerchief so that she could effectively wipe the red from her cheeks. She nods her head in thanks and turns back to Fenris who is shouldering his weapon and taking back the one he lent to the woman.

He shrugs slightly. "I heard your voice outside of my house and had seen some activity in this very alley for the past few weeks so I thought it best to follow to make sure you would be okay. Had I known Varric was your back up, I probably wouldn't have interfered," he explains sending one of those small smiles my way. Fenris was too smart for his own good; he had always known of my affections for Hawke ever since he had joined the team. When we played cards he always asked why I wouldn't admit my feelings but it was pretty obvious why we would never work out. Dwarves and humans just didn't mix.

"Well, thank you anyways!" she chuckles and I watch Fenris give her one of those looks I had often seen Anders, Isabella and Merril give her as well. It was full of interested admiration. It made my blood boil angrily to see him give that look to her but she seemed completely oblivious of it to my immense pleasure.

Fenris chuckles at her energy and turns back towards his mansion. "Why don't you two come inside and have some wine with me?" he asks suddenly glancing over his shoulder at us with his green eyes.

I expected Hawke to just answer but she actually looked at me and smiled. "What do you say?" she asked so nicely there was no way I could say no.

I shrugged. "It's better than the piss they serve at the Hanged Man," I state and follow them to the mansion.

Hawke got extremely drunk off of the wine and honestly...I could never tell where she put all of that alcohol! She was around 8 stones and was barely taller than I was but she could drink with any dwarf and nearly outdo them! She had had about two bottles of wine by herself and was still sitting around without a slur to her words until half-way through the third bottle. Fenris was gone after one bottle and I had stopped after one bottle so that I could walk the drunk Hawke home and still make it to the Hanged Man afterward.

"Elf, it's been fun but I think Hawke needs to go home or she's going to make a fool of herself!" I laugh hauling Hawke up to her feet and heading towards the door that the elf went to open for us. Hawke was extremely giggly and was pretty much useless at the moment where her legs were concerned. She was leaning on me for all of the support except for the ability to drag her feet after her. I didn't mind though because it was easier for her to wrap her arm around my shoulder than to crawl along the ground. Like I said, she was only three or four inches taller than me.

I dragged her with me the short distance to her house listening to her babble about absolutely nothing that was coherent. She wasn't even speaking the correct language at one point or another. She was just talking about how she hated dresses and how as soon as she was home she would rip it right off and put on her pants. "Just make sure you don't rip off your clothes before I leave," I chuckle though I was very much lying through my teeth. I would kill to see her completely naked in front of me; I would love to touch her skin lightly with my hands and hear what kind of noises she would make under my control.

I shook my head when she let out a peel of laughter tipping backwards with the extend of her amusement. I caught her and put her against the door frame of her house so that I could open the door for her. "What if I want you to see me naked?" she slurred before stumbling into her house giggling the whole way. "What if I want _you_ to rip my clothes off?" She was talking crazy now and I didn't enjoy her teasing because those thoughts were still fresh in my mind. "I have to—Whoops!" she tries to walk forward but just falls back into me so that I could catch her by her shoulder blades; I push her back up to stand straight. "You have strong hands!"

Her words made me chuckle lightly. "Yes, I do," I smile feeling her shift slightly and suddenly her full breasts are pressed to the side of my face. Awkward? No, just distracting. I try to shift her back around but she just latches onto me tighter pressing my nose into the dip of her lovely flesh.

"I bet they would feel good here!" she shouts planting my palms against her supple breasts. I jerk away only to grab her when she tilts backwards unsteadily. "Mm, I was right." It came out as a breathless moan that would have even the Arishok's trousers on fire. I feel my body react instantly and distract myself by pushing her up the stairs, her giggling growing even more breathless as we went up the stairs. I gave her a push to get her over the stairs seeing the way her skirt slowly started to inch up her thighs as she stumbled towards her room.

"Come on," I tell her as I constantly remind myself that she is drunk and isn't going to remember a thing once she wakes up with the Maker-forsaken hang over in the morning. "Into bed." I say as we finally get into the room the door closed so that she doesn't wake up her mother or any of the other people living in her house.

"Come with me," she whispers in her throat tugging at the collar of my leather duster. I take her hands and try to push her away. "Don't pretend you don't want me." She leans back against the bed posturing in a way that made my blood boil with insistent need. The one time she was coming on to me and she was drunk. Great, now _I_ would have to be the good guy.

I was finding myself wavering as her foot inched up my thigh but I backed away like a good friend. "You're drunk," I grit out as I turn away from the sight before me. Oh how I had dreamt of her laid out for me on a bed but I couldn't do this, not when she was drunk. I waited and listened for her shifting to cease before turning back around thinking she had slipped under the blankets to sleep. "Go to—" I choked on my own words when I came to find the woman hiding behind a thin strip of blanket.

Her dress was lying on the ground at my feet.

"Varric," she drawls as she holds up her bra to drop it on the ground with her dress. "Don't leave tonight. Stay with me." Oh Maker did I tense and find my pants growing so much tighter. "I can see that this is effecting you. Come here." I tried to hold back but my feet moved on their own and suddenly her hand caught my collar to pull me forward against her. Her strength, even after all of these years, still shocked the hell out of me as I found myself straddling her hips.

Her lips sought and found mine and suddenly I didn't know my own name. She was soft but passionate and took my breath away as her tongue invaded my mouth without my exact permission. I didn't mind, mind you, but it was still a shock to find her so commanding and dominant in this fight. I had only been kidding earlier when I had thought she would be like this in bed. Actually, I thought she would be more gentle and caring. But I can honestly say, I didn't care. She was just that perfect mixture of passionate and rough. And as the taste of sweet white wine and spice took over my taste buds she buried her hands in my hair tearing out my hair band. She massaged my tongue with her own and my hands moved to her shoulders to steady myself as she kept pulling me closer as if to envelop me in her kiss.

The blanket fell away and my hand brushed against her thigh as I planted it on the bed so that I wasn't leaning most of my weight on her slighter body. "Varric," she whispers when we pull away to breathe. Instead, she moves to lick my ear while whispering, "touch me."

I probably hesitated for two seconds before she plants my hands on her face. Her eyes were so bright in the flickering light of the fireplace and I wanted so badly to do this even if it was wrong to do it while she was under the influence. Honestly, as she rolled her hips up into me...I lost all control. I was trapped and I knew I wasn't getting out of this room alive unless I did as commanded. And boy was I happy to oblige! I trailed my hands down from her face feeling the soft skin covering her hard muscles. Maker it was better than I had ever imagined it. The dreams couldn't even come close to the feel of her body under mine. She was so responsive to my every touch and to see her face so relaxed and showing every emotion was something I wasn't used to. Sure, I could tell her emotions without even being told but...to see her so unguarded...I felt like I was the luckiest man on the planet.

I continued my trek down her neck gently feeling every dip and curve that made her who she was. I wanted to touch every part of her slowly and as I gently massaged her neck on my way down she sighed happily staring up at me with half-lidded eyes. Maker help me, I was never going to get this image out of my head. So unguarded. So vulnerable. So trusting. She was handing herself over to me wrapped up in satin sheets. I smirked when she gave a soft sound of impatience; I took that as my cue to move on down from her neck. My fingers memorized the dip and peak of her collar bone but I moved away before I could touch her breasts. She groaned in disappointment as I slowly traced my fingers down her strong arms. I took her hands and threw them over my shoulders and pulled her against my body to kiss her harshly.

Her hands gripped at my duster pushing it from my shoulders and back onto the ground with her dress before she was shoving her body against mine. I could feel the skin of her breasts pressing against the v-cut in my tunic. Maker, her skin was warm and supple. How was I going to last past foreplay with this much sensation going on? My pants were already constricting the flow of blood to my already aching erection and she seemed nowhere close to letting me escape. Not that I wanted to in the first place anyways. Her lips held me captive as I slowly ran my hands against the woman's sides the pads of my thumbs ghosting against the edges of her breasts. She pulled away from the kiss to moan loudly throwing her head back in a blatant show of pleasure. Maker, she didn't hold back anything!

I took the opportunity to attack her exposed neckline surprised when she jerked to a half and choked on her noises. She started to shudder as her hands gripped my tunic in a death grip as if I were torturing her. This...was more than I expected! I had thought that since she was so strong that she wouldn't have any weak or sensitive spots but...she _was_ a woman under all of that armor...a _lot_ of woman under the armor. It was almost like this place was a g-spot all of itself because she was panting and whimpering like she was getting closer to orgasm. I smirked and moved my hands to cup her breasts feeling the way her trembling made them jolt tantalizingly in my grasp. I massaged them with just enough pressure before pain feeling the supple flesh before rubbing the perk nipples with my thumbs. She arched her back into my hands and gasped out my name like it was a prayer. Maker, such a sound should never be uttered around me. I almost lost it right there and then! So open and sensitive and enjoyable.

Moving away from her neck reluctantly I trailed kisses and tongue down to her nipple that I lazily tasted. She was pretty much mewling with pleasure and I could tell she was impatient but I wasn't going to rush through this. She was going to have such a mind-blowing orgasm that she would never be able to forget it even if she had gone through five bottles of wine. Her fingers laced in my hair urging me on with a slight scrape of her nails to my scalp. I lathed the nipple until it was slick and pulled away to gently blow on it. She let out a throaty moan that never ceased to rock my world and I went to the other one while keeping the other one worked with my fingers. By the time I had finished with that she was incoherently begging for something. I knew what it was but seeing her spread out on the bed half-naked, nipples glistening in the firelight, made my insides light on fire. I would never forget this memory; I would keep it locked away forever.

Leaning down again I took one nipple into my mouth and draw deeply making her nearly scream with how sensitized her peaks are by that point. She writhes under me as I swirl my tongue around the perk nipple moving one hand further down her body at a lazy pace. She seemed to grow more and more tense until my hand ghosted across the outside of the cloth covering her most intimate area. Oh I wanted to just cut the foreplay and just dive in but I kept myself from jumping too soon. I had to make this unforgettable. She would be dreaming about this for years to come...well, actually, if all went according to plan she wouldn't be able to live without my touch but that was probably the romantic in me coming out.

I moved to the other nipple to worship as I used two fingers to lightly run down the woman's covered warm until I was massaging her entrance and ghosting her clit. She went rigid then let out a moan that made me moan around her nipple. Those noises were going to be the death of me, I swear. I teased her a bit more before slipping my hand under the cloth finding the clit that was enlarged because of how aroused she was. I must have been doing a good job. I wasn't going to stop there either. I rubbed her sensitive nub while I moved away from her nipples to stare down into her face. She looked like she was in absolute paradise. Her eyes were squeezed closed and her lips were parted with her soft sounds. There was a beautiful rosy tint to her cheeks and I could feel the heat radiating off of her. Maker, she was a fucking Goddess!

She opened her eyes slowly when she felt me staring at her and those silver eyes were full of pleasure and such desperate need that my insides curled sweetly. Reaching up with shaking hands, she took my face and pulled me into a kiss that set my nerves on edge to the point of coming right there. I work her nub a bit harder feeling her moan into my lips the noise being lost as I experiment to see what she liked the most. When she yelped into my mouth and her body jerked I set to alternating between pinching her clit between my index and middle finger and rubbing harshly. She was a writhing mess within a few seconds and as her noises escalated I could hear her first orgasm coming so I leaned down to bite down on the nape of her neck. My hand flies up when I feel her tense to scream and I cover her mouth. Just in time, too, because she let out a muffled scream as her orgasm crashed against her body. She arched up and grabbed at me with jerking hands. I continue my treatment bringing out as much pleasure as I can until she finally falls limp against the bed.

Her chest heaves against mine and I lean back to stare down at her body enjoying the way the firelight played across her sun-tanned skin. She was the most beautiful creation I had ever seen and I felt myself straining against my pants needing to be inside of her. I worked at my buckles desperate for a bit more freedom only to find her hand helping me with my belt then with pushing off the pants. For someone who was drunk, she had steady hands. I guess that comes from wielding a blade but it made things so much easier and I found myself shirtless just before I pushed out of the last layer of clothing revealing myself to her silver eyes. She takes a few moments to admire me leaning up to run her hand down my chest through the honey colored hair that lead all the way down to my hardened manhood. Her eyes took their time and I suddenly felt so exposed to her but it only made me more aroused.

Suddenly, I was being shoved back to lie down her body leaning over mine. "My turn," she rasps in a voice that I had never heard before tonight. She trails kisses down my chest teasing my nipples much like I had done with her and the closer she got to my aching erection the more worked up I got. When she finally licked my tip I thought I wasn't going to be able to handle it. I had to have something to distract myself.

"Come here," I say, hauling her up to my level. "Off." I jerk down the last bit of her clothing and wave my finger in a circle. "Turn around." She is confused for a second before I show her what I mean and soon she is on her hands and knees with her junction hovering over me. I can see that she had never done this before by the way she flushed brightly but it didn't take her long before she resumed by gripping my erection with her lithe fingers. I hissed in pleasure as I distracted myself by licking at her clit feeling her jerk in pleasure. She moaned around the tip of my erection making me give my own jolt. We were obviously both very sensitive so I skipped the foreplay in this position to press a finger into her entrance. Oh she liked that! I felt her pull away to gasp arching her back slightly. I smirked and started a steady rhythm suckling on her clit. She was distracted but continued to work my erection with the speed that I set. I was shocked she let me have so much control but as I sped up my thrusting she started to bob her head sending jolts of pleasure through my body. I hadn't expected her to be this good! I wasn't going to last very long and it seemed that she wasn't going to stop so I smirked and crooked my finger inside of her. She tensed and drew heavily from my erection making me hiss around her clit.

I continued to hit her spot with every other thrust of my finger to sensitize her before I felt her start to build up that release I wanted her to experience again. She reacted with a hand lightly stroking my sack making it a little hard to concentrate on what I was doing. We kept at it until I finally added another finger into the mix watching her pull away to grit her teeth in pleasure. Her hand kept working my erection until her mouth could resume and with this new pleasure she fondled my balls then searched for something under them and pressed. I jerked my hips upwards as pleasure lanced through me. That was new. What was that? I could feel her smirk and did it over and over again after every hit of the g-spot I got in on her.

We were so close by then and as I sped up she did as well. I suckled on her clit and she was working me like an expert so it took us only a few more seconds before we both fell over the edge of our orgasms. I felt her insides clench and then I came into her mouth arching my back as she did. We sat there for a few seconds before she fell to the side panting. I lay there for a long while panting alongside the woman feeling my body sated and tired. She looked about to that point as well and I had to wonder if we were even going to get to sex.

"Varric," I hear the woman whisper as she crawls up to press her head to my chest. She had a silly smile on her face that said she was completely content with what had happened. She kissed me harshly lighting the fire in my chest again. How could she have recovered so quickly? Maker help me but she was insatiable in bed as she was for battle and challenge. I return the kiss even through my haze of fatigue and wine wrapping my arms around her waist pulling her on top of me. Maker I couldn't get enough of her taste, her woodsy, spicy scent, and the way her body felt against mine. I wanted this moment to last forever.

"Lillian?"

"Shit!" I whisper as I hear her mother's voice on the other side of the door. I gently pushed Hawke aside to stand up getting my clothing from the floor. A hand grabs the back of my shirt to pull me back to the bed. "Hawke!" I hiss before her lips are on mine again.

"Leave her," she mutters but I know that I can't or Leandra will come into the room. This was not the way I wanted Leandra to see me or her daughter.

"Just give me a moment," I whisper kissing the woman gently before going to the door. I open it and slip outside with the grace of my classification. "Messere Hawke, I hope Hawke didn't wake you this late in the night!" I put on my most prize winning smile watching the woman jump at seeing me there.

"Oh, Varric! I had not expected you tonight!" she states holding a hand over her heart. I smile slightly knowing she was only worried for her daughter. "How...how did the date go?"

I think for a second on how to answer and in the end just answer with, "She's drunk."

The older woman winces. "That bad?" she whispers afraid to hear the answer.

"They were attacked by Coterie," I state dryly and I can see the question on her face even before she asks it.

"And...Darian?" she asks talking about the nobleman, I assume. I never did catch his name.

"Ran away."

"Ah," Leandra sighs knowing her daughter would never go for someone who can't even stick around to defend the woman he is trying to court. "Well, thank you for taking care of her tonight, Varric."

_You have no idea_, I think to myself keeping the thought off of my face. "You're welcome, Messere Hawke. I will be out of here as soon as I get Hawke to go to bed," I tell her with a soft smile.

"Thank you," she chuckles. "Well, good night then."

I watch her slip back into her room and when I know she is well out of the way I slink back into the bedroom shocked to see the woman had slipped under the blankets and had her eyes closed. I sighed gently thanking the Maker that she was finally cooling off. Walking over to the bedside she opened her eyes when I ran a hand through her hair tenderly. "Come to bed," she whispers hoarsely while pushing away the blankets for me.

Oh Maker was it hard to deny her while she was blatantly showing off her bare flesh! "I can't," I respond by leaning down to stroke her cheek.

"Next time?" she asks her lips a mere breath's hair away.

I smiled at the thought feeling the words clench in my heart. Leaning forward, I savored her lips one last time knowing that this was the only chance I'd get. She responded lazily but passionately and I had to wonder where she got all of her energy from. She wrapped her hand around the back of my neck and I could feel my own desperation to draw her in closer. I wanted to be with her in the most intimate way possible but I knew that wasn't possible at the moment. I would have to tell her sooner or later but...not yet. I would live a little while longer with my lie.

I pull away after a few minutes of the kiss. "Next time," I lie before pulling away from the woman. She falls back to the bed and closes her eyes. I watch her for a few moments before she falls asleep and then take my leave out of the estate and back to the Hanged Man to await the morning.


	2. Chapter 2

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Sexual content, cursing, death, gore, torture.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

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><p>I ran a cloth over Bianca as I watched my friend out of the corner of my eye as she threw her sword around. It was two days after our tryist and I felt kind of numb about the whole thing. She hadn't come out of her house all day yesterday because of her hang over and today all she wanted to do was get lost in Sundermount where no one would find us. She had come to me like usual when she wanted to come up here; she had been attacked by stray dragonlings one time when she came by herself so she brought me with her instead. Sometimes she would train with Fenris but not in this spot.<p>

This was our spot.

It was situated a few miles away from the Dalish camp and it was just a small clearing with a ring of trees surrounding it. On one side was a small trail that the Dalish had cut out to get here for the clean drinking water. Hawke had already asked the Dalish for permission to use the clearing periodically as a place for meditation and even though they were against the idea at first they slowly warmed up to it when she promised never to bring Merril. Plus, she brought them gifts to appease them whenever she could. She was an honored guest to them and she could probably ask them anything and they would say yes.

I jumped when I saw the woman fall to the ground. That was unusual but when I saw her get up with a growl and try the move again I understood. She had stumbled across a move at one point during a battle in the Bone Pit and had been working on it for weeks. She had needed to turn quickly to get to a dragonling behind her and in her hurry she had swung her sword around to gain momentum. The weight of the sword combined with the perfect balance had taken out more than just the creature behind her and she had made a perfect circle completely clearing out the enemies around her. She had taken that move and run with it in training. Hawke was intelligent not to use it until she knew that she could do it perfectly every time. One fall on the field and we couldn't promise that we would be able to save her from an attack.

She threw herself into training again and I went back to polishing Bianca. I was shocked when she had asked me to come out here with her but as we settled in it was obvious that the constant encounters with the Arishok were getting to her. Aveline and the Viscount were on her ass about talking to the Arishok and she knew as well as the rest of us that nothing was going to come out of their talks except for more arguing about what they believed in. The Arishok exhausted her but sometimes I thought she might find his way of dealing with controversy encouraging. She agreed with a lot of the things he said, I knew she did, but there were other things that made her so angry about him. They were both stubborn and had hard heads.

_"I'll have to fight him one day,"_ she had told me at one point while we were sitting in the clearing some weeks ago. _"I'm actually kind of looking forward to the challenge."_

The Challenge. That's what she had said. She was excited about the challenge. I shook my head to think about it; I could see the two staring at each other. The Arishok would have his harsh eyes set on the woman's face in definite scorn but Hawke would have the look of someone about to kill an endangered animal. She saw him as a worthy opponent but when they fought for the last time...it would be the last time. One of them wasn't making it out alive. It made my heart ache to think of Hawke finally falling in battle for the final time. She was our only hope in this town; she was the only hope for a lot of things...my sanity, included.

I knew the truth though. She wasn't going to fail. I had never been so optimistic before I met her but when I watched her train...I saw such hope that I couldn't help but believe in her, completely. Her body was working in overtime to lug the sword around and the sun glistened across her forehead and shoulders and down into her cleavage. She wasn't wearing much and if her mother knew that she looked like this...well, her mother would have a hissy fit. She had on a tight fitting leather vest that clung to every curve of her front. It tied in the front with a string and I couldn't help but smirk at how much of her breasts she was showing and don't even get me started on the pants that she had cut off at the mid-thighs so that they wouldn't be constricting. Like I said, her mother would kill her if she saw her daughter.

I had to wonder where she got that vest but the leather reminded me of something Fenris would wear so I didn't ask questions. Instead, I watched her try the move again. She made it but ended a little too shakily so she tried it again and this time she landed a bit better. I had seen her get better at this move for the past few weeks and soon enough she would be throwing her weight around without a problem. That's how her other attacks had come to be; she trained diligently for hours in this clearing every week. If she wasn't fighting in missions with her team then she was here with sword in hand. She worked too hard for her own good.

She grunted and fell down again landing harder than before. "Fuck it!" she snaps to no one as she throws her sword to the side. "I quit!" She glares at the weapon and moves to sit down next to me with her back against one of the trees. I watched her lean her head against the bark trying to catch her breath.

"You? Give up? I don't believe that for a second!" I laugh softly looking over to see her flop over onto the ground. Her tanned skin was sparkling with her sweat in the soft sunlight and I had to look away as a picture of her lying under me trembling popped into my head unwanted. "You're getting better at it, Hawke. You just need a little more practice."

She growls playfully and smacks my arm before stretching out on the grass her leather vest creeping up to reveal her toned stomach. I kept my eyes focused on Bianca so that I wouldn't be distracted. "Thanks but I just feel like I'm getting worse and worse!" she chuckles darkly.

I looked down at her and thought about how she would react if I just kissed her right there. Ever since that day two nights ago I had thought of nothing but this woman since then. I had gone to her house he morning after to make sure she was feeling okay but she had still been in the bed nursing a terrible hang over. I had walked over to her bed holding a glass of water for her. _"How are you feeling?"_ I asked as she groaned and reached for the glass. She sat up with a hand holding the blankets over her naked form.

_"Like I was run over by a herd of Dragons,"_ she muttered softly and drank from the water. _"No more of Fenris' wine for a long time. Though..."_ She stops and leans back staring up at me with those silver eyes that sparkled in the flickering fire light. _"My head hurts but my body is oddly relaxed. Alcohol does wonders for the body but not for the mind. And I woke up naked. Strange."_ I tried to keep the smirk off of my face. It hadn't been the alcohol that made her body feel so satisfied; no, that had been the two orgasms I had sent her into that morning. It made me feel a lot of pride but at the same time she didn't remember what had happened so my elation was short lived.

She leaned up slightly and reached out so suddenly it made my skin jump as her fingers touched the skin of my collar bone gently. _"Did you get hurt yesterday?"_ she asks and in response to my confused look she turned to reach for her bedside table. She had to stretch to reach it and in the process revealed some of the nude flesh of her hip from under her blanket. My mouth dried and I had to swallow as she came back with a mirror that I took. I held it up and saw the red mark on my collarbone but I held back a wince when I realized what it was. That was a love-mark.

_"Probably during the fight last night,"_ I say with a shrug glad that I was such a good liar and the light was so low in the room. Otherwise, she might guess that something was up.

"You feeling okay?" I ask her as she curls on her side obviously enjoying the grass against her skin. She hums and looks up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers; they were half-lidded with exhaustion but with the sweat covered skin I was reminded of the other night.

"Just tense," she whispers stretching again. This time I hear all sorts of creaks and pops that make me wince.

"Come here, let me help," I say without thinking. She quirks an eyebrow but sits up to put her back to me. Hawke knew what I had in mind and she had never rejected the idea of a massage. Maker knew she deserved a thousand massages for what she did for this town. I raised my hands to start and found they were shaking from anticipation. Shaking my head, I started to massage her neck using small circles to work out all of the knots. Maker, she was pretty much one big knot sitting there and as I continued to work her shoulders she relaxed into my grasp.

"Maker, Varric," she groans in a way that was too sexual for my own good. "You're good at this." I felt my insides clench with heat and I wanted to remind her just how good I was. Maker, to take my massage to the next level and run my lips across the nape of her neck.

"Yeah, I know," I say instead with a soft chuckle.

She is silent for a long while. "By the way," she whispers breathlessly reaching into her pocket. "You left this in my room the other night." I jerk when she hands me my hair tie making my heart race. Did she know what this meant? Impossible. She couldn't even remember her own name hardly the other morning I went to see her.

She didn't say anything else as I thanked her and put it into the pocket of my duster and moved my hands lower on her frame enjoying the feel of her leaning back into my hands. I was tempted to run my lips across her sensitive neck knowing she would be like jelly in my hands. Oh, if only I could just touch her like that whenever I wanted to. I wanted to worship her body and I wanted to hear those noises that she couldn't hold back when I touched her.

"Where did you get the love-mark, Varric?" she asked suddenly and it made me pause. Where had that come from? "In low light it looked like a bruise but..." She trailed off and I could have sworn I heard some kind of hesitation in her voice as if she were afraid of the answer. "You been frequenting the Blooming Rose?"

I laugh at her tone and shake my head. "Nothing like that!" I chuckle loosening a particularly tight knot in her lower back. She sighed happily but was obviously waiting for an answer. "It came from...a good friend who needed comfort the other night and I obliged." It wasn't a complete lie but I wasn't naming the 'friend'. I would tell her some day when I had had a bit of liquid courage. We needed each other at the moment though. With everything that was happening in Kirkwall we would need each other for the upcoming battles.

She was silent for a while before she spoke up. "Do you love her?" she whispers as if she didn't want to know the answer. Was there a hint of apprehension in her voice or was I imagining it?

I smile softly glad she can't see me. "In a sense," I admit leaning closer to hear her voice better.

There is a slight pause before she speaks. "Was she good?"

My eyes widened at her interest. She had never been very interested in the sex lives of her friends and to know that she was actually asking out loud and without alcohol was flattering. I smirked. "The best," I whisper my breath caressing her neck and I see the shiver along with the red that started to creep up towards her ears. Did she know? I would swear she was trying to hint at something and just wasn't admitting it but I wasn't sure.

She leans back into my chest pulling my arms around her body. I tense up for a few seconds when she places her head against my shoulder but slowly start to relax as she closes her eyes. This wasn't the first time she had sought physical comfort but it was still a bit off to feel her body against mine like this. Usually, it was just holding a hand or wrapping her arms around my neck for a quick hug. This was a type of contact that I wasn't sure I could handle for too long without revealing my affections.

Her hands kept hold of my arms and her breathing became steady as if she were falling asleep. "You're a good friend, Varric," she whispers nuzzling my neck. I shiver at the feeling enjoying how close she was. Could we just stay like this forever? No, it was never that easy. "But we need to talk."

I tense up and feel her hand playing with the sleeve of my tunic idly. She was stalling and I smiled softly. "Anything," I soothe waiting for the bomb to drop. This was it. She was going to end the friendship right here and now.

"I-"

"Messere!" a feminine voice shouts scaring the both of us to jump apart. Olivia, the Tevinter slave Hake had given a home and job, was panting heavily as she came through the line of trees.

"Olivia?" Hawke asks picking up her over-shirt. "What's wrong?"

"It's your uncle!" she states through her heavy breathing. "He came looking for your mother but we haven't seen her all day." The little elf was obviously a step from panicking but Hawke just smiled. I knew how she felt about her uncle and the man was a tad bit too flaky for my comfort honestly. I was glad she had been able to pull away from him. She would have killed him otherwise.

"Alright then, let's go talk to Gamlen," she smiles standing up and grabbing her sword to place it in its sheath. She swung it over her shoulder. "I doubt it's anything but could you round up Fenris and Anders just in case?" She was looking at me and I stood up to brush myself off.

"Sure, no problem," I state glad for the intermission in our conversation. I would be ready for it whenever she remembered to talk about it again.

"Oh," she perks before she walked off. "We will finish this later tonight." She smiles in that unnerving way before following Olivia through the trees leaving me there with probably the most idiotic face possible.

"Yeah," I mutter before going to Darktown to find Anders. It wasn't hard to find him, honestly. He was always in his clinic and it didn't surprise me to see him working on that damned Manifesto again. He was going to go blind writing that damned thing. "Hey Blondie, you got time?" I ask as I walk into the clinic.

He looks up at me with those honey colored eyes and smiles brightly. He was always ready to help our lady leader and I knew it was because he looked up to her...in more than one way, apparently. I knew his feelings for her had started out as common admiration and respect from her ability to fight but then when she started to take the side of the mages...that had been it. He had fallen head over heels for her.

"Where have you been?" he asks as he pulls on the rest of his robes. He buttons himself in and pauses when he glances my way. Damn it, I was going to have to cover that damned mark or everyone would be asking questions. I was just waiting for Daisy to comment on it though hers would be less witty and I would probably have to explain just where marks like that came from. "And where did you get that mark?" His amber eyes search mine but I'm not giving him anything that will deny or confirm any of his suspicions. "Hawke?"

My insides jerk but I just laugh sarcastically. "Whatever you want to think, Blondie," I say dryly as we walk out to Hightown to find the elf. "Come on , elf," I say when we walk into the mansion to find the elf polishing his weapon. I swear, warriors polished their swords more than I polished Bianca and that was saying something! He looks up and sets it aside to pull on his armor lazily. "Hawke needs us." It wasn't needed but I said it anyways just to make sure either of them weren't sure what we were doing.

"Very well," he states completely ignoring the mage who was content with doing the same thing. "I see the other night was profitable for you." I am temporarily caught off guard before I throw my hands up in frustration. Anders perks up and looks at the elf with a curious expression.

"What does that mean?"

Fenris glares at the mage but would never miss the chance to embarrass me so he puts their differences to the side for the moment. "Hawke was escorted home by our story teller here two nights ago. She was inhibited and it seems that it ended well for both of them," he explains with a wicked grin that made me glare harshly. Damn the elf for being so evil. Then again, he was constantly getting his ass kicked by me at Wicked Grace and he would never win in a duel against the woman he was speaking of. This was his revenge for never getting the upper hand on us.

Anders gasps loudly and gives the same smirk as he crosses his arms over his chest. "Hawke and the dwarf, who would have thought you'd have the guts to come on to our precious leader!" he states making me growl. What did they know? Nothing and he was about to tear their smirks right off of their faces.

"She came onto me, I'll have you know!" I state stare at the back of my hand idly. They both freeze in their current positions and stare at me in shock. I felt a deep sense of pride well inside my chest to think of how loudly she moaned under my hands. I could still see the desperate need in her silver eyes when she pulled me against her body for those mind blowing kisses. Where had she learnt to kiss like that? It was a question to ponder on later. "Yes and she-" I stopped before I could reveal anymore. This wasn't a story I should be telling but oh I wanted to brag so badly!

"What?" Anders asks expectantly leaning closer.

"Yes, you can't just stop in the middle of a story like that," Fenris agrees. I'm pretty sure that was the first and only time I was ever going to hear them agree on anything in their entire lives.

I feel egged on by them and grow a knowing smirk. "Oh, it's nothing really," I start crossing my arms over my chest. I pause for effect. "Just that she woke her mother up with her screaming." Yeah sure, a little bit of an exaggeration but it was really close to the truth.

They stare at me with their mouths wide open in shock. "She...screams?" Anders finally asks his cheeks a bit flushed with the news.

"And commands."

Silence.

"You're lying," Fenris states crossing his arms over his chest.

I roll my eyes. For once in my life, I was not lying. "I swear on all the Paragons!" I laugh slightly at their disbelief. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I wouldn't have believed it either! Hawke was usually so quiet, calm and collected so to know that she was the complete opposite while in the throws of passion was...arousing, to say the least. "She even told me to fuck her!" Oh why did I add that in there? Oh yeah, because I could still hear the way she had said it to me, that's why!

"Woah! I never would have guessed!" Anders admits laughing. "I'd love to see that."

"If you don't stop gossiping and get your asses moving you won't see so much as the next morning let alone my bed habits," a familiar voice states from the door. We all freeze and I can feel my heart stop for a few seconds as I turn to see Hawke standing there. Her silver eyes were looking at Anders but within a second I was staring into the eyes of a pissed off warrior. Why did I add that at the end? Maker I was so stupid! "Come on, we have to find my mother," she states evenly as Fenris and Anders move past her.

I move forward slowly staring at her apprehensively. "Hawke, I-"

"We'll talk later, Varric," she says before turning to walk out the door.

I messed up, but that was soon forgotten when we found out who had taken Leandra. A mad man we had tracked for a while before we went into the Deep Roads. We had lost the trail until a few weeks ago but then we had run cold again. Now, we had to rush to catch the man in time. I was just as worried as the rest of the group but Hawke seemed perfectly calm and collected like always. Her silver eyes were stoic as she surged forward with new fervor. She was a woman on a mission and the run-in earlier was completely forgotten for the time being.

Hawke was an excellent tracker and she soon found her uncle who was trying to find out where she had been taken. Of course, the little kid didn't tell us anything we already didn't know until he pointed at a blood trail. A cloud of tension seemed to settle over the group and we set off at break-kneck pace that set my mind on edge. She was getting desperate and I had never seen her eyes so feral and wild. We ripped through the shades and corpses that littered our path. She didn't even stop to check for items; no, she was too busy rushing through to even notice the notes and papers that I found. I hid them away from her so that she would never see them. They were disturbing and even I didn't want to read them.

We went through the tunnels until it finally broke when we got to a room with a bed and other furnishings. It was the picture of the woman that killed Hawke. "She...looks like mother," she whispers before turning away to rush onward almost leaving us behind. How could a woman weighed down by so much armor run so fast?

Then came the mad man.

A chair with someone sitting in it was next to the man but what caught my attention was the metal slab just to the right of the man. I felt my eyes seek out Hawke who was too observant not to notice that the tarp was covering what looked like a headless body. Cold dread slipped through my skin and I completely tuned out what the man was saying. I watched Hawke whose face slowly started to contort with fear until the body in the chair stood up shakily. I heard Hawke scream.

No, not scream, roar.

It shook the walls and chilled my blood when her pupils dilated to the size of pin-pricks and she charged the man with her teeth bared in anger. I had seen this before in Orzammar. She had just become a Berserker. And she was cutting through the skeletons and shades to get to the mage. She was so far gone and I was shocked to know that the woman who had always been so calm and tranquil had the ability to turn into such a violent fighter. Usually, she was laughing and joking during a fight but this time...I saw nothing but blood lust. She wanted this man's head and there wasn't a thing that was going to stop her.

Fenris got a bit too close at one point and was almost taken out by the swing of Hawke's blade. He seemed shocked and pulled away in just enough time calling out to her. She was oblivious that he had even spoken her name. "Stay clear of Hawke! She's berserking right now. She doesn't see anything right now," I shout over the sound of battle. Needless to say, Fenris gave her some room. She could take out hoards of enemies with one sweep. He did not want to be in the path of that distruction.

She finally got to the mage who had evoked a shield to protect himself with. I figured she would just attack blindly but instead, she stopped and stared at him through the shield patiently waiting for him to tire. I figured she had finally came out of her berserker mode but when I shifted a bit to take out a demon coming behind her I saw that her eyes were still the same. She was controlling it. It took people years to master even an inkling of that talent and here she was holding it back on her first time!

Fenris.

When she had almost taken him out it must have triggered her calm mind. Hawke truly was amazing and I did not feel for the mage as his shield started to die away. I was taking out the archers attacking her but she just stood there as if they didn't exist. Through the hail of arrows she just set her unnerving silver eyes on the man who was starting to sweat with the exertion.

That must be what it's like to gaze upon Death's face.

The shield fell away and Hawke advanced with a defensive spell cast around her, compliments of Anders. She ignored the spells that he cast her way and raised her sword to slice the man's knees. I winced at the scream that ripped from his throat as he fell back to the ground in a crumpled mess. He begged for mercy. She gave him absolutely none. Where she might have given it to anyone else; this man had messed with what remained of her family. There wasn't enough mercy in the world to make her change her mind. Instead, she took her sword and stabbed him through the stomach pinning him to the ground.

He wailed but she spoke over him. "I have heard that stomach wounds are the most painful," she states in a voice that is so calm and level it makes my skin crawl. Her eyes were still that of a Berserker and I felt my insides clenching with fear. This was the first time she had ever truly scared me and I didn't like it, not one bit. "How long did my mother beg?" Her words were like knives as she gently started to twist the sword clockwise. She was going to give him the slowest death possible and slowly her pupils regained their normal appearance. She was no longer a Berserker but the way she was treating him said otherwise. "How long did she claw at your arms to stop you?" she asks as her hand grabs his hair to smash his head into the ground. He was crying by that point but he could have been laughing for all she cared. "You shall find no mercy with me or the Maker." She shoves him back and takes out a dagger to slowly draw it across his throat.

All of the other creatures were dead and we were all just staring at the woman as she ignored the man's gurgling gasps for air and finally cuts a line so deep it nearly saws his head right off of his shoulders. He died with a last pained breath escaping his lungs and I found myself disgusted as the woman stood up her face splattered in the blood that had squirted from his cut jugular.

We all turned when we heard the sounds of shuffling and spotted the corpse that moved towards the bloodied woman. "Mother!" the girl yelps moving to hold her mother as she fell forward. Then the flood came and the emotions rushed through her. Tears flowed down her face and she was choking on the words she was trying to bite out. "I couldn't protect you, mother!"

"There's nothing I can do. His magic was keeping her alive," Anders whispers sadly.

I listened vaguely to the words they exchanged but I busied myself with telling Fenris to go get a Mother from the Chantry to collect the body. I then turn to Anders and tell him to go to Hawke's estate to bring the news and for him to clear out the house. Hawke would need to have some peace and quiet for the next couple of days. I wouldn't let her stay alone but I wasn't going to deny her the quiet she would need.

Her mother was gone by the time all of that was put into motion and Hawke was clinging to the mutilated corpse sobbing hopelessly. Moving closer, I place a hand to her shoulder trying to comfort the desperation that was killing me. She slowly sets her mother down to the ground before turning to me. "Hawke," I sooth just as she latches onto my neck wailing into my chest. I was the sound of someone dying on the inside and I held her the whole time stroking her hair to try and relax her. I knew it was a lost cause but I did it anyways. "Come on," I whisper into her ear after she stops sobbing. "Let's go home."

"No," she whispers jerking her head up to look at me with the eyes of a wounded animal. I feel my insides clench in pain at seeing her so vulnerable. "I can't go back. N-Not tonight! I just-"

"Shh," I whisper as I haul her up to her feet with me. "You can stay with me tonight."

"You mean it?" she whispers obviously needing me at this very moment.

"Of course," I say stroking her cheek with my hand tenderly. We start for the Hanged Man taking all the shortcuts we had found along our journey. She never stopped touching me the entire time. At one point or another she was making contact with me. For the most part she constantly held my hand but at one point we had accidentally lost contact and she nearly had a panic attack and latched onto my shoulders. Her emotions were running rampant because of how she lost control during the fight; it was a normal side-effect of being a Berserker and I was more than happy to help her. She seemed so close to tears the whole way and when we finally came to the Hanged Man we rushed up to my room so that no one would ask about us. "Stay here," I whisper as I sit her down in the chair in front of the fireplace. She held my hand for a few seconds before I kissed her forehead. "I'll be right back, I promise."

She reluctantly let go of my hand and sat back into the chair watching me exit the suite. It was so unnerving to see her so unstable but I went down to the bar to get two very stiff drinks. I was back in the room in no time and found her still watching the door for my return. My feet carried me across the room where I sat the two drinks down in front of her. "Here," I say softly. "It'll help you sleep." Her lithe, trembling hand reached out and took the first mug, which she downed in a single go before doing the same to the other one. I watched her with careful eyes knowing that alcohol loosened her up more than most people.

Dull silver eyes stare down at the table in front of her and all the emotions she had never let play over her face before show like a canvas and she slowly dissolves into tears pressing her hands in her face to sob pitifully. "I should have gotten him sooner," she cries out her hands almost making the words incoherent.

"No," I say as I lean forward to take her hands away from her face. "You did the best you could." I wipe the tears from her face and I can see the alcohol starting to take effect as her eyes become hazy. A dry smile forms as she takes my hand and pulls me forward; she buries her face into my neck giving audible sobs that made my heart ache. I wanted to do something, anything! But there was no consoling the broken soul of a woman who had just lost the last bit of her family.

I run my fingers through her hair as she finishes crying and leans away staring into my face. "Varric," she whispers looking at me with her beautiful silver eyes that were rimmed in red. It had a surprising effect; it turned her eyes a pale blue. I was so mesmerized that I didn't stop her when she leaned forward to kiss me. Her lips are familiar and warm and I don't hesitate in returning the gesture as if the other night had been planned instead of spontaneous. She lets her hands grasp the back of my head by my hair and suddenly the kiss is rough, demanding and desperate sending chills down my spine. I was pretty sure my lips were bruised as our teeth gnashed together as she pulls me closer. It was like she couldn't get enough contact between us and I reached out to rest my hands on her sides.

The kiss ends when we can no longer breathe and she pulls away with a small gasp. That's about the time I realize what had just happened between us. She was sober...and I use the term loosely, and had just kissed me! "Hawke," I say a little shocked. "What-"

"I know what happened the other night," she finally explains with a small smile at my shocked expression. I try to say something but she cuts me off with a chaste kiss. "I didn't at first but as the day went on I started to recall bits and pieces until I could remember every touch, sensation." I searched her face for something and found only sultry want.

"I'm sorry," I say after a while watching her face contort in confusion. "I took advantage of you and was too afraid to say anything. I wasn't a good enough friend to just say no."

She blinked a couple of times before chuckling softly. "Varric," she smiles taking my face into her hands. "I did things that would make even the Arishok have a hard time rejecting. You didn't initiate anything!" Her words felt like a heavy weight was being lifted off of my shoulders and settled onto the ground at our feet. "Besides, I didn't have the courage to do that without alcohol."

It took a second for her words to sink in before I truly understood. "You've...wanted that..."

"For a very long time," she nods. "And...today has shown me just how short life is, especially, when you have jobs like ours. I can't go another day hiding how I feel!" She presses her forehead against mine and I suddenly realize the alcohol probably had more to do with her loose tongue than the events of today. I was going to have to get her drunk more often.

"Then tell me," I whisper tenderly.


	3. Chapter 3

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Sex, cursing.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

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><p>I watched her hack through a throng of Dragonlings pretty much by herself and shook my head. She was even more powerful now then she had been before and that thought made her a tad bit more intimidating. Her pupils were barely the diameter of a pin-prick and she was rushing through a large crowd of the little monsters to hack through their throats. Even Fenris, who was out there with her was shocked as hell to see her being so merciless. She usually had such control but now that she had become a Berserker there appeared to be no control at all.<p>

He was wrong though.

The point of being a Berserker, as I had learned over the past week, was to loose control while keeping control. It was a hard concept to grasp for me but Hawke had taken to it like a pro and in the past week that she had been training with her new teacher. He was a rough dwarf that had come from Ferelden not but a few weeks ago and he owed me a favor so I had called it in so that he would teach her how to control the rush of emotions. I never would have expected her to be a Berserker in the first place but after talking to her teacher it became aware that Hawke was the perfect person for being a Berserker.

I had always thought it was angry people that made the perfect Berserkers but I was wrong. Her teacher, Oghren, had stated that people who held back emotions and kept them inside until they built up were the people who became Berserkers. It made sense. I had always thought Hawke was just a calm person but now I saw how wrong I was. Everything she felt, she kept pent up inside of her body. All of the betrayals, all of the anger and hatred for people who harmed others, and all of the missions where people were killed; they were all just waiting to be released in that one moment of vulnerability, which happened to be her mother's murder.

Oghren said that the emotions now had an escape but that they were hard to keep back once they had a direct line out of the body. Basically, Hawke was now a ticking time bomb who would explode randomly if she didn't go Berserk at least once every other day or sooner than that if there were too many emotions. This was the case with Hawke who needed to go Berserk at least twice a day to keep from even snapping at me if I said something she didn't enjoy hearing. I didn't mind but she felt horrible after she did it; it wasn't like she could control this. She was still getting over her mother's murder; she needed time for those intense emotions to ease.

It didn't help that the Viscount was being demanding of her right after her mother's untimely death. He kept demanding that she talk to the Arishok and Hawke kept telling him that she wanted them to cool off for the moment. There was a lot of unrest at the moment and Hawke wasn't any closer to being able to keep the emotions in line for long periods of time. Honestly, I think she was afraid that the Arishok would say something to set her off and she wouldn't be able to control herself long enough to get out of the compound before trying to hack him up. She didn't want unnecessary violence.

We finished in the Bone Pit after killing the dragon that was waiting for us at the top and as we walked to Kirkwall I could tell that this trip had really helped the woman who was smiling slightly. She looked so relieved and relaxed that I knew she was feeling better. Oghren said that these intense moments of anger and hate would end but that we would have to wait until she came to terms with the murder of her mother. In the mean time, she would need to have a constant guard.

I had been happy to accept that responsibility so I let her stay in my room until she was finally ready to go back to her own estate, which was clean as a whistle for her return. Olivia, Bodhan and Sandal were all there waiting to greet her and I know she was happy to see them. They had been her support system in the house when her mother had been there and now they were even more so. She seemed happy to see them as she stepped into the house but I still wasn't going to let her out of my sight. I have since then, been living with her.

We have yet to have so much as given into heavy petting though. I don't mind but Hawke is terrified that the pleasure will send her into one of her destructive rages. She had kept her distance from me for that reason and I was supportive but I missed touching her. We still kissed but whenever she got into the kiss it turned rough and there had been times when she had drawn blood. I didn't mind! I actually thought it was rather sexy but she would always pull away and lock herself away from me until she could control herself. The fact that she didn't trust herself made me want to comfort her but she never let me.

We told Hubert that his Bone Pit was completely cleared out and Hawke even took up the deal to split up the mining efforts with him. It was a good way for her to get steady income even if she barely bought anything with her already copious amounts of wealth. It was only potions that would help her survive and other essential things. The armor she now wore was the best she could find as of right now; it wasn't for lack of searching either.

Departing from the rest of the group, Hawke and I walked towards her estate. I jumped when her hand slipped around mine; she smiled down at me and I realized just how the mission had helped. She was exhausted. Her emotions had been completely spent and now she was content. It was like she wasn't a Berserker at all! I gave an inward sigh of relief and gripped her hand even though people were staring at us oddly. Hawke had never cared what people thought of her and she wasn't going to start now; I...they could go suck the stone for all cared.

We got to her house and she opened the door to walk into the livingroom where the fireplace was roaring. Olivia was stoking it and stood when she saw her master had returned. "Welcome back, Serah Hawke!" she smiles brightly as Hawke gave the girl a loose hug. Olivia had settled in quite nicely with Hawke and I was glad to know that the woman had a cook so that she didn't need to worry about one other thing.

"Welcome home!" Bodhan said as he walked into the room after hearing Olivia say his master's name. "There's a letter for you on the desk. Just arrived this morning after you left."

"Thank you Bodhan," she smiles before walking over to pick the letter up. She stops when she sees the Viscount's seal on the note and I can see her shoulders slump forward with exhaustion. She opens up the letter with trembling hands and pulls the paper to read it. "He wants to meet with me tomorrow morning." I could see that she was happy to have some time to rest for today and I took the note from her to set it down.

"Come on," I whisper gently and lead her by the hand to her room where she starts to get dressed in her sleeping clothes. She was so exhausted and the sun was about to set; she needed a good night's sleep to help her stay calm for tomorrow's meeting with the Viscount. I get changed as well with my back turned towards the woman. I didn't want to be tempted by the sight of her tanned skin as she undressed.

I was pulling on my shirt when I felt hands stop me. My skin tingled as lips found my neck and they suckled gently on my pulsing vein and her hands slowly took off the shirt I had been trying to pull on. She let her hands wander over my shoulders and down my arms as she continued to gently nip my neck until she came to my ear. Her tongue ran along the shell of it and I let a shiver rack my body. She let out a small sigh of content tranquility that ran across my neck making me shudder again.

Turning around, I looked up at her and saw that her face was that old calm I had grown so unaccustomed to seeing since her mother was killed. She knew exactly what she wanted and she was confident that she could get it. I reached up to cup my hand behind her head and pulled her down for a searing kiss that had my blood boiling as our tongues danced. Her hands grabbed my shoulders and she slowly pulled me back until she sat down on the bed now on my level. I moved my kiss down her jaw to her neck. She tensed and let out a shuddering breath as I lathed the expanse of sensitive flesh that had her moaning in two seconds flat. She was so sensitive here that it was a shock she didn't just orgasm there.

She ran her hands down my chest feeling all of the dips and curves of my muscles that made me nearly purr with happiness. I pulled away for two moments and slowly pushed her back to the bed and climbed up to straddle her hips. She looked up at me with those silver eyes that made me shiver at the emotions playing across their depths. The best part about this whole Berserker ordeal was that I could see every emotions that flickered across her face. And...right now she was horny, very very horny. It made my skin tingle with anticipation. This was what I'd been waiting for ever since that night when she had been drunk.

Her hands jerked my face to meet hers and she ripped my hair tie out so that she could dig her hands into my blond tresses. I could taste the need in this kiss and it made my head spin as my hand slowly worked at the robe she was wearing. The tie came undone and I pulled away from the kiss to open the robes. My breath caught in my throat when I saw that she wasn't wearing anything underneath this thin layer of silk. Her body was like paradise. I could see every dip and curve and every old and new scar that she had ever received in our constant battles under the light of the fireplace.

She smirked at my admiration and slowly moved backwards to situate her head on the pillows of the bed pulling me with her until we were kissing again. My hands ran down her body feeling every flaw and perfection enjoying her throaty moan that came from the light graze of my fingers to her nipples. She arched her back into my hands as I cupped her breasts in my hands. I massaged the supple flesh letting my lips seek out her neck that I kissed and suckled upon gently throwing her into a loud yelp. Her body responded to my touches and I could already smell her scent in the air as the junction between her legs responded.

I pull away from her and turn her over onto her stomach so that I can rid her of the rest of the tunic staring at her back that I had yet to explore. Kissing her neck I slowly started to run my fingers down the strong muscles of her shoulders and back. She sighs softly at the comfortable touch until I come to the small of her back. She jerks and moans making my eyes widen. I hadn't know there could be pleasure zones on the back! I smirked and ran my lips down her spine feeling her grow progressively tenser until my lips dragged across that area. She jolted and buried her face in the pillow to moan. My tongue ran across the sensitive area and I could swear that she was going to jump out of her skin. That, or run off the other residents of the house with her perfectly pornographic noises.

Letting my hand wind under her hips I pulled up and sat her on her knees. She jerked her head to look back at me and I could see the slight fear in her eyes. I smiled gently running my hand over the small of her back gently. "Trust me," I whisper softly against the skin of her hip watching her turn back around and bury her face in the pillow. She was embarrassed. This was a very vulnerable position but I wanted to show her that I wasn't ever going to hurt her or demean her. Her warrior instincts told her not to be in this position but I knew she'd warm up to it eventually.

Besides, seeing her beautiful, toned rear in the air was like a gift. I ran my hands down her hips feeling her muscles under the beautiful skin before I run a hand down to slip inside of her wet crease. She gasps loudly and I feel her push back against my finger a bit before I press it in deeper. Her body is shivering with tremors and I can hear her panted breathing muffled by the pillow. A smirk crosses my lips; I knew she'd warm up to the position sooner or later. I crook my finger slightly and hear her yelp out her back arching in pleasure.

I watched her as I started a steady rhythm and felt that the vision before me was pure perfection. Delicate curve of the back that lead up into a head thrown back in pleasure; from the angle I was at I could see her flushed cheeks and the glazed over look in her eyes. Maker, how could anything be more beautiful than this? I didn't think there'd be anything more than this. This was what I had been waiting on for the past week while she had been fighting to control her emotions. Oh Maker had it been worth it!

I leaned forward a bit while still thrusting into her so that my mouth could press to the small of her back. I held my other hand around her legs so that when she jerked I could control where she went. Like I thought, she tried to press into me to get more friction but I kept her at a good distance so that I could take the lead. She let forth the sweetest words that I had ever heard in my life, "More, Varric!" Oh no other words could make me warmer.

"As you wish," I whisper against the small of her back before pressing another finger into her. She groans at the stretching but I can tell it is out of pleasure as I run my tongue across the sensitive patch of skin I had just found. Her hands that had been holding her top half up give out and she is whimpering into her pillows as I start to push into her faster and harder. My teeth graze her skin and she all but screams coming so close to her orgasm.

Smirking, I let my arm that is wrapped around her waist move. I search for that one spot that will help send her over the edge and I slip my hand downward to find it. When she throws her head back and lets out the most beautiful scream I know I've found it. I roll the woman's clit while my fingers crook in the rhythm and I can feel her body tensing to fall over the edge until she squeaks my name out. She falls forward in her orgasm and I ride out the orgasm for a few moments before letting her slide flat against the bed.

Her body was trembling as I moved to lie next to her with my head on the pillows watching her face. I run my hands through her hair until she turns and looks up at me with eyes that show satisfaction but at the same time showing she wasn't finished yet. Her lips slam against mine and I am shoved down so that she can ravage my lips while undoing my pants and shoving them off along with my underclothing. Our kiss heats up as she strokes a hand up from the bottom of my hard erection to the top before situating herself to hover right over it. She had to break the kiss but as I placed my hands on her hips I found myself in awe at how beautiful she was, yet again.

Then, I looked up into her eyes and felt my insides curl. Her pupils were dilated to pinpricks. Somewhere in the middle of everything she had gone Berserk but for some reason she was in completely control. Before I could think it over any further she impaled herself on me and I gasped out at how quickly she had taken me inside. I wasn't going to brag but I was pretty big around. Normal length but wider than normal, or so I was told. The fact that she had just...

My thoughts trailed off as I took up a melody of grunts that harmonized with her panting moans when she started to rock her hips against mine. Oh Maker that felt so much better than I had ever imagined! She was creating a steady rhythm that was accented by sharp, quick downward motions. Her insides were so warm and slick and I could feel her trembling from the inside out. My hands sought her hips and I controlled her motions a bit knowing I was already so close to finishing. I wanted to share this moment with her for as long as I could.

I heard her growl darkly and I soon found my hands pinned above my head by the woman. She had leaned forward and her breasts were dangling in front of my face tantalizing me with their every shake and shudder. I reached forward to lick at one of the nipples hearing her breath hitch on a choked moan. I tried to pull my hands away from her grasp but her fingers were iron so I dug my heels into the bed and started to thrust into her that way. She gasped and started to push back into my thrusts creating a perfect motion that we both were able to follow. It was like a perfect harmony and melody mixing with each other. Tune the notes just right and you got this beautiful music. Well, that was like this, except better!

My insides were curling as I started to climb to my own orgasm and I could tell by the sound of the woman's labored noises that she was close as well. I started to thrust harder finally able to jerk my hands away from the woman's grasp. I flipped us over and took her long legs up over my shoulders so that I could have more leverage. She growled dangerously for a second before a scream cut it off. I pressed my hand to her stomach to hold her down and started to thrust as quickly as I could into her. She threw her head back and dug her hands into the sheets as I slipped my other hand around to press against her clit harshly.

I felt myself grow to that peak and suddenly I felt the walls around my shaft clench as Hawke went into her own orgasm. She screamed my name and I let her name slip from my lips as we came together. I spilled my essence inside of her clenching insides and kept thrusting sharply until I had spent all I had in me. Hawke was gasping for air as I slipped out of her and fell down beside her.

We stayed there for a few moments before she looked at me with those silver eyes. She was back to normal and looked positively exhausted. "Why didn't we do that sooner?" she rasps, her throat hoarse from screaming.

I chuckle at her words and tug the blankets over our bodies letting her cuddle closer to my chest. "I don't know," I smile feeling her face pressed against my neck. "You went Berserk." She freezes at my words and slowly relaxes again. "You didn't realize it?"

"No," she whispers after a while. "I...I didn't feel myself go Berserk but I felt the power and surge of emotions. I thought I was just...I don't know." She clings to me and I know that she is utterly confused.

"You know how Oghren was talking about a release of pent up emotions?" I ask slowly and I can feel her nod without a word. "Maybe this is your type of release? Well, literally and figuratively speaking." She chuckles softly at my joke before sighing deeply. "Let's think about it tomorrow, okay?"

"M'kay," she mutters before falling straight to sleep. She would need her strength for tomorrow; Maker only knew what the Viscount wanted her to do this time.


	4. Chapter 4

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Sex, cursing, violence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

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><p>AN: Thanks to everyone who reviewed and read my story thus far. So for this one I added in some lyrics from the Avenged Sevenfold song _Victim_, which I thought fit this chapter perfectly. Also, the song _Sleep_ by Eric Whitacre is a good song that I wrote this by.

Also, I love the DAII game but the character is just too...strong for my taste! XD I say that because after all that the character goes through he/she doesn't breakdown until their mother dies. I think there needs to be more realistic emotional trauma in the game. So that's why this version is a little darker than the actual game. This is honestly how I think a real person would react! So enjoy!

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><p><em>And I've lost my power to feel tonight,<em>  
><em>We're all just victims of a crime.<em>  
><em>When all's gone and can't be regained,<em>  
><em>We can't seem to shelter the pain inside.<em>  
><em>We're all just victims of a crime.<em>

~ Avenged Sevenfold "Victim"

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><p>"What if Saemus won't come?" the woman asks her eyes speaking everything of what she felt of this request. Seamus gone missing? No, he had just gone to the Qunari where Hawke knew he would go eventually. She had said this many times that he liked the Qun more than he did the Chantry and now it seemed that Hawke's prediction was coming true to the sorrow of the boy's father.<p>

"They will use him against me," the Viscount tried to reason with the Berserker. "It is all for political gain!"

Hawke quirked an eyebrow and I could tell she didn't believe it. "I will go talk to him but I will not promise anything. If he truly has converted then he will stay with them. I will not drag him back, kicking and screaming. I owe him that much and so do you." She turned on her heel and we walked from the chamber towards the compound where the Qunari reside. I could tell she was very tense about this meeting with the Arishok even if she felt completely calm.

Come to find out, sex _was_ the best way for Hawke to release her pent up emotions. She felt like a new person today but I had a feeling, just as she did, that this was going to end badly. Actually, she looked pretty calm about the whole thing but I knew the truth. I could read her emotions through her eyes, which were still a Berserker's eyes. She couldn't hold back anything from showing in her eyes and I think she was afraid this would be seen by the Arishok.

We walked into the compound without any problem, just as always. The Arishok would always see Hawke no matter what time of day or night it was. She was a welcomed guest in his company and it had always made her feel flattered if not a little intimidated that he would show up for her so readily.

She walked up to the bottom of the stairs with the rest of us behind her. Her shoulders were shifted back and she waited for the Arishok to be told she was there waiting for him. Her head perked up when he walked in from the side his unnerving black and gold eyes were like nothing I had ever seen. It didn't seem to phase the woman standing there though with her equally as terrifying eyes.

"Shenedan," he states in his deep voice that reverberated through my chest.

"Shenedan, Arishok," she replies with a small tilt of her head to show respect. "I have come about Saemus."

The Arishok stares at her for a long time before he sits down in his chair tilting his head at her with an spitefully amused look on his face. "Are you?" He stops and lowers his head in thought for a few minutes before looking back at the woman. "In four years, I have made no threat, and fanatics have lined up to hate us simply because we exist. But despite lies and fear, bas still beg me to let them come to the Qun. They hunger for purpose. The son has made a choice. You will not deny him that."

Hawke stopped for a few minutes trying to keep herself from getting frustrated. "The Viscount sent me to ask his son if he had truly converted or if this was a..." She halted in her speaking because even she knew how ridiculous this sounded. "May I speak with the Viscount's son?"

The Arishok watched her expressions before speaking. "He is no longer the Viscount's son. Viddathari give up their lives for the certainty only the Qunari know."

"Of course you would not take advantage of his connection," Hawke whispers with a small smile on her face. She knew the Arishok was not a man who took an advantage like that. When someone submitted to the Qun he let them be.

"The Qun may demand that advantage, but I do not. It was his choice to be educated. He is not my prisoner," he states with purpose staring at the woman with his strange eyes. "He is not even here. He went to his father. Ask the Viscount why he would send you and a letter both."

"That seems strange," she whispers to herself with a thoughtful look.

"They're meeting at the Chantry. A last, pointless appear, I assume," he states with a slight shrug.

"The Viscount would involve the Chantry?" Anders questions softly behind us.

Hawke's face turned from confused to fearful as it clicks in her mind. "No, but we know who would! Mother Petrice," she states already looking quite frightened by the prospect.

"A suspect in many things," the Arishok confirms. "If she has threatened someone under my command again, there is only one response."

I can see the anger in the woman's eyes and I can tell that the Arishok did as well and it surprised him. "I've had about enough of Petrice. Several times over," she grits out between her teeth the fear turning to rage.

"A threat against viddathari can have only one answer. I will suffer only one outcome," he warns harshly but I know that if Hawke had her way the Qunari wouldn't get to the woman alive. "I will be watching, Hawke. The demand of the Qun is clear."

We made it to the Chantry in record time and Hawke slammed the doors open and rushed up the side stairs to where Saemus was sitting on his knees as if in prayer. "Saemus?" she whispers as she reaches forward to touch his shoulder. The man tips and falls to the side, dead. "Saemus?" She falls to her knees to hold his body checking for even the slightest pulse but even I could tell that he was dead.

"Serah Hawke, look at what you've done," a familiar voice states from the front of the Chantry. "To pounce upon the viscount's son, a repentant convert, in the Chantry itself? A crime with no excuse." She was standing in the front with a couple of warriors and looked so pleased with herself. "Your Qunari masters will finally answer."

She kept talking but I was too busy watching the woman standing beside me. I became aware of the way her shoulders were trembling and the way she was still staring at the body in her arms. She pulled him closer and I moved forward just enough to see that she was crying into Saemus' chest. I backed away and pushed the two men behind me back as well knowing what was coming next. Slowly, gently, she put the corpse of her once good friend down and looked out at the Sister that had been a thorn in her side from the beginning.

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><p><em>And nothing lasts forever,<em>  
><em>For all good things it's true.<em>  
><em>I'd rather trade it all,<em>  
><em>For somehow saving you.<em>  
><em>And must have been the season,<em>  
><em>That threw us out of line.<em>  
><em>Once I stood so tall,<em>  
><em>Now I'm searching for a sign.<em>

~ Avenged Sevenfold_ "Victim"_

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><p>"How could you?" she whispers catching the still-chattering woman's attention. "How could you!" She was screaming now and the tears were washed away by hatred and anger.<p>

"He deliberately denied the Maker! How many would follow if he went unpunished?" she asks with a passion that visibly made Hawke sick to her stomach. "And yet, even this sympathizer will inspire vengeance when his brutal murder is exposed."

"You idiot! This will only bring more slaughter on both sides!" Hawke states throwing her arms out in completely and total frustration.

"To die untested would be the real crime. People need the opportunity to defend faith. Starting with you," she states completely unaware of what she had tapped into with this anger Hawke was feeling. "Earn your reward in this life and the next! These heretics must die!" she gestured to the mob that stood behind her.

They advanced on the woman who still had tears pouring down her cheeks. She jumped the rail in front of her and landed right in front of the charging mob. She looked at the blood on her hands from Saemus and jerked out to grab the first man that got to her. He was a Reaver but he choked when the hand grabbed him around the throat and threw him back into the rest of his group. She only reached for her weapon then just as the three of us came up behind her to defend her in her Berserker rage that was sure to make her more vulnerable. It didn't. She chopped through the men and woman easily with the help of us and soon the Chantry floor was littered with dead bodies.

"Seamus," she whispers as tears make treks through the blood on her face. "May you rest with the Maker."

"Do you see Grand Cleric?" the Mother states as she comes back probably not even a little surprised to see that all of her followers were dead. "Traitors attacking the very core of the Chantry! They defile with every step!"

"There is death in every corner, young mother. It is as you predicted. All too well," the Grand Cleric states looking around at the death that was covering her Chantry.

I could see Hawke jerk to charge the woman but at the last moment stopped herself and instead grabbed my hand. I let her take comfort in my touch before she spoke up in a voice that was trembling with a deadly mixture of rage and depression. "Forgive me, Your Grace. But you must know the truth about what happened here." She was so calm when she spoke that even I was shocked.

"Don't spout your Qunari filth. This is a hand of the Divine!" the Mother spits as she tries to explain, in vain, to lie to the Grand Cleric.

I would bet my beautiful Bianca that the way Hawke spoke had gotten her more than anything else. Hawke, the strong, compassionate hero was speaking honestly and plus, how could you look at her pathetic face and think that she had killed this man she now spoke for. Would the Grand Cleric still listen to Hawke, someone who blatantly denied the teachings of the Chantry, if she had spoken in anger or attacked the Mother? I couldn't be certain but I did know that she believed what the female said more than her own Mother. "I have ears," she states firmly before looking at the woman standing before her. "The Maker would have me use them. Serah Hawke, is it?"

"The viscount's son-Saemus,is dead...killed in your name," Hawke states obviously itching to kill the Mother that hid behind her Cleric.

"I'm sure my name wouldn't like that," the Grand Cleric jokes dryly before looking at the Mother. "Petrice?"

Under the scrutinizing gaze of the Grand Cleric the woman relents. "Saemus Dumar was a Qunari convert! He came here to repent and was murdered!" she lies aptly.

"Lured by you!" Hawke jabs harshly though with a calm face. "Killed to set the people against the Qunari."

"This is no longer a matter of heathens squatting at the docks! People are leaving us to join them!" Petrice tries to reason with the Cleric but I could tell that she wasn't having it.

"And we must pray for them like any other."

Petrice looked disgusted. "They deny the Maker!" she retorts harshly.

"And you diminish Him, even as you claim His side," the Grand Cleric interrupts making even Anders look shocked. "Andraste did not volunteer for the flame." She turns back to Hawke who is looking more and more exhausted by the second. "Serah Hawke, you act on the behalf of the viscount?" Hawke nodded her head deeply almost in a bow. "The young Mother has erred in her judgement. A court will decide her fate. The Chantry respects the law, and so much she."

"Grand Cleric?" the Mother asks shocked watching the woman walk off. "Grand Cleric!"

"The law?" I hear Hawke whisper as her hands clench in fists at her side. My hand reaches out to touch hers and she grabs at it fiercely to calm herself. She wanted to rip the Mother's head off right there but she knew that it would not help a thing if she did that.

Hawke turns to leave but stops and pushes her team back when she hears the sound of an arrow being shot. We watch it whiz by straight into the chest of the Mother who gasps then falls to the floor. Even my lover is completely shocked by this turn of events and looks to the source of the arrow. Another arrow whizzes and gets the Mother straight between the eyes. A Qunari Ashaad stands there in his paint and helm as he puts away his bow. "We protect those of the Qun. We do not abandon our own," he states and Hawke nods at him as he disappears.

"Let's go tell the viscount," Hawke whispers softly as we head towards the Keep.

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><p>After everything was said and done I could tell Hawke was about to kill something so I suggested that we take an hour's break so that we could rest up before going to see the Arishok. She hesitated for a mere moment before she nodded her head. "Meet us back at my estate in an hour," she tells the others and we walk into the estate we had both been sharing since her mother's death.<p>

The second we enter the estate my back is being shoved into the wall and there is a rather emotional Berserker stealing my breath away. I still wanted to know how she did that every time she kissed me! I returned the gesture as her tongue invaded my mouth and her hands started to tug on my duster. We were going to do this right here? Sure, it was a nice thought but what if Olivia walked in or Sandal? Oh dear they would be so traumatized!

"What are you doing here?" we both hear the voice of Aveline snap from the livingroom.

"Fuck!" Hawke whispers harshly pressing her forehead against the wall above me. She was so frustrated and I could feel every bit of it in the parts of her body I had my hands currently pressed against. She pulls away after placing a chaste kiss on my lips before walking into the main area of her house.

"This is important. Don't interrupt with your selfish prattle," Aveline said just as we both walked through the door to see Aveline and Isabella standing there.

"Get off your high horse. I have problems too!" Isabella retorts gesturing rudely with her hands.

Aveline scoffs harshly. "_What drink should I order?_ or _Whose the father?_" Aveline states harshly.

"Oh you little..." Isabella grits as she walks forward to backhand the woman.

"What is it now, you two?" Hawke roars making both of them jump at seeing the woman so pissed off. They turned to look at Hawke who was obviously already in a very pissed off mood and having two bickering children in her house didn't help the matter at all. I was kind of pissed as well. How was Hawke supposed to be ready for her meeting with the Arishok when she couldn't get two seconds rest...and by rest I mean sex.

Aveline steps forward first determined to be the winner. "Hawke, the Arishok is sheltering two fugitives who have 'converted' to the Qun. He must be convinced to release them," she explains and I take Hawke's hand to still her anger.

"It's always the Arishok, isn't it?" she mutters under her breath so that only I can hear her.

"He's already feared because of Petrice," she goes on not even worrying about what Hawke said. "If people start to think that he can ignore the law...I need your help so this doesn't get out of hand."

"I'm going to die!" Isabella cuts in dramatically. "There. Got your attention. Real problem."

"Woah, stop!" Hawke snaps harshly holding her hands out. "Isabella, what's this about?"

Isabella looks like she's relieved that Hawke wanted to hear her story. "You remember the relic? The one Castillion is going to kill me over? A man named Wall-Eyed Sam has it! If you help me get it then Castillion won't kill me. Please."

Aveline scoffs again and turns on Isabella. "I'm trying to keep the entire city from rioting against the Qunari!" she snaps harshly.

"Well," Isabella drawls turning away from us. "Maybe it's connected."

"What?" both Aveline and Hawke ask at the same time. I could tell they were like sisters by how they acted sometimes.

"I'm just saying it maybe it'll help. It's important to someone, right?" Isabella tries to cover it up with her words. Hawke was getting more and more frustrated by the minute and I could tell she was just about to say fuck it and attack me right there in front of the two women. Isabella wouldn't mind but Aveline might get a bit pissed.

"Now you start being responsible. Shit," Aveline shakes her head.

Hawke walks up to her old friend and places a hand on her shoulder. "I have to help Isabella first," she tells the warrior gently knowing that this would get out of hand if she handled it like a Berserker. "But as soon as I'm done then I'll meet you at the compound, okay?" Aveline looks like she's about to say something but she stops and nods her head. I think even she can tell Hawke was almost to the breaking point. "Let's go get Ander then."

"You should take Fenris with you as well," I state as I start to walk back towards the bedroom.

"No, I want you to come with me," she says making me stop in my tracks.

I look at her with confusion. "You can't have two rogues in the same part. You'll be the only one attacking," I tell her and she chuckles.

"You and Anders are long range and Isabella can help me with the close-range combat," she smiles moving forward to kiss me gently. "Come with me."

I shake my head and smile sweetly at her love for me. "You have to take Fenris. I'll be right here when you get back," I tell her stroking her cheek tenderly. She hesitates for a few moments before nodding her head. She knew my logic was sound and I didn't want her to be the only person taking on the enemies. Besides, if Isabella got taken out then she would be taking on hoards of enemies by herself. I wouldn't be able to stand that. With Fenris, she would have someone to back her up. That made my life a lot less hectic to think about.

I walked into the bedroom and decided to clean up for a bit while I waited for her to return. My thoughts were that this was going to be an easy mission of seek and retrieval but for some reason my gut was telling me to be ready for anything. I sat down with a book after cleaning up our room but no matter what I did I couldn't focus on the book. I sighed as it became an hour since she had walked out. I was getting kind of worried until I heard the door open.

I threw down the book and stood up to walk out to the balcony that overlooked the main area of the house. "Hawke?" I ask as she slowly moves into the fireplace light her head lowered and her fists clenched at her sides. "Hawke?" I slowly slip down the stairs to come to stand in front of her. "What happened?"

"She's the reason the Qunari are still here," I hear the woman whisper in a hoarse voice that sends chills down my spine. She sounded odd...off, like she had been crying recently.

"I don't understand," I say trying to look at the woman's face. She turned away and rubbed her hands down her arms slowly.

"Isabella's relic, it's actually a very important piece of the Qunari's religion. She stole it and I let her trick me into getting it back," she mutters staring into the fire.

"Where is she?" I fearfully ask.

"Gone," she answers and I can hear the wavering in her voice. I couldn't quite tell if she was quaking because of sadness or because of rage but I saw her shoulders trembling. "She took the relic and ran with it. She...she betrayed me! I wouldn't have handed her over! I would have protected her!" Her hands clench her arms and I rush forward to catch her as she falls to her knees. "I would have protected her!" she wails and presses her face into my neck clinging to me.

I wrap my arms around her and rock back and forth to comfort her gently. "It's okay," I shush gently pressing my cheek to her forehead.

"Why is it always me?" she screams making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. "Why me? First I loose my father and brother to the Blight; then my sister to the Circle; my mother to some mad man; Saemus to some man woman; and now I have to try and explain to the Arishok why my companion and friend was allowed to run off with their most prized religious text! What am I doing wrong? I do everything for the people I care about; for this Maker-forsaken city and all I get is pain!" Her words struck me so hard and all I could do was cling to her as she screamed into my chest.

"I'm sorry," was all I could think to say. "I'm sorry, love."

She slowly calms down in my arms and when she looks up at me I can see the pain, the hard reality, sitting right there. She had given up everything for this city and now it was turning its back on her. She would soon have to face up to the Arishok, a man she respected above all others, and would have to tell him that she failed in saving his text. Her hands gripped my duster's collar and she pulled me forward to kiss me. I pulled her close and enjoyed the taste of her desperation, her need, her sadness, and her rage.

I pulled her up and took her to the bedroom we shared. She laid back on the bed, letting me strip away the armor that was too heavy for her skin right then. We didn't have much time before we needed to meet Aveline so I wasn't able to take my time like I wanted to but I let her find comfort in my body. I found the same comfort in her and we spent that time forcing everything out of our minds. For those few precious moments nothing else mattered except for the two of us. She looked beautiful when she was completely speechless and flushed.

Afterwards, we laid together for a few moments in the bed just relaxing. We both knew there was somewhere we needed to be but for the moment all we wanted was to take comfort in each other. She needed these few moments and the Arishok and Aveline be damned if they were going to take this away from her. I would kill everyone that got in our way.

"Come on," she whispers after a few moments. "Let's go meet with Aveline."

I smiled as she got up and held out her hand to me. "Okay," I said reaching out to take the hand.

* * *

><p><em>So don't need your salvation,<em>  
><em>With promises and kind,<em>  
><em>And all those speculation.<em>  
><em>Save it for another time,<em>  
><em>Cause we all need a reason,<em>  
><em>A reason just to stay.<em>  
><em>Some just can't be bothered,<em>  
><em>To stick around another day.<em>

~ Avenged Sevenfold "Victim"


	5. Chapter 5

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Cursing, violence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

* * *

><p><em>I had a way then losing it all on my own.<br>I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown.  
>And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat.<br>And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me._

~ Ellie Goulding "Lights"

* * *

><p>"I accept," I stated in a voice that was stronger than I felt.<p>

The only reason I had accepted his duel option was because it would keep my companions out of a fight that I was afraid none of us might come out of. At least, this way, I could fight by myself and die by myself. They would be alive and would have the choice to escape the Qunari rule. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I dragged the rest of them into this fight with me where I didn't even think _I_ would come out alive. No, this was either going to be my greatest victory...or my final ditch stand against an opponent that was stronger than any I had ever faced.

This was going to make one hell of a story for Varric. He had always said that the best stories ended in the death of the hero. Perhaps I would give him that tragic end that he sought. I doubt he had wanted that from the start but I knew that, as I looked at his face as he was ushered back to the outskirts of the room, that he had faith that I wouldn't leave him just yet. I wish I had that sort of confidence in myself. Instead, I felt terrified.

The Arishok and I got into position in the middle of the room staring at each other. His alien eyes stared at me from under heavy brows making me feel like a specimen in a cage. "You have changed," he states suddenly making me pause in my motion to grab my weapon. I feel my heart pound. Did he know my secret? I had hoped to use my new curse as a surprise but if he knew..."You would make the perfect Sten, Basalit'an," he continues. "If only you would accept the Qun. To have you by my side would greatly strengthen my cause."

I smiled slightly at his words but shook my head. "I cannot. You know that Arishok," I say and he stares at me before nodding his head slightly. We both grabbed our over-sized weapons from our backs. Mine was a broad sword and his a battle axe three times the size of my weapon. "I had hoped it would never get this far."

"You knew this was the only outcome," he voices my thoughts yet again. Sometimes I thought he was a mind reader among everything else he was good at but I could tell that he was just reading the thoughts through my eyes. Ever since becoming a Berserker, I had come to find that hiding emotions and staying stoic like I had before was harder and harder to do. Berserkers were known for being blunt and harsh. I had always prided myself with being able to hide all of my emotions before mother had been killed but...now, I couldn't even hide the simplest emotions. Varric could take one look at me and tell what I was feeling, which got annoying but I would rather it only be him.

The giant man made the first move after a few moments of silence so that he knew I didn't need to say anything else. His legs tensed and he charged at me with speed I didn't think was possible in a man of his size. My body moved on its own and I jumped to the side trying to dodge the man as he attacked. My hand reached out and I caught a pillar so that I could swing myself around to plow into the man from the side. He grunted but I felt like I had hit a brick wall as I threw my sword up to catch the man's axe as it descended towards my head. Maker but that axe was heavy! I threw it to the side with a small grunt of my own before shifting further back from the creature. He was an offensive fighter just like me but there was no way I was going to be able to throw my puny weight around with him. I'd have to defend myself and wait for the perfect moment.

We went on like this for a while where he would attack and I would defend myself throwing all the strength I could into keeping the blade of that axe away from my head. His form was perfect! How was I supposed to get a hit in edgewise if he just kept throwing his axe in all of his blind spots? Maker but this was amazing! I felt a smirk tug on my lips as we danced our dance with precise movements and gestures. Neither of us took the lead but I could feel that we were both reading body movements and muscle tension to guess where the other was going.

I suddenly, felt larger than life. A nirvana settled over my mind and for some reason...I didn't feel like I had to go Berserker. I felt fine just doing this for the rest of my life and knew that if I died today...I would die in peace. This was the most worthy opponent I had ever faced before and it might possibly be the most worthy that I would ever face in my life. This thought, brought on sadness that I pushed away right as the Arishok's blade missed me and scrapped the ground.

Seeing my opening, I sung my blade around using the momentum to do a full turn. The blunt force of the attack knocked the Arishok back with a soft grunt. He fell backwards and I jumped at him as I settled back down from my attack. He rolled away as my blade came down from above and was on his feet within the next two seconds. I growled and swung at him again only to feel my blade being batted away like a pesky fly by his gauntlets.

I was thrown back and I just barely keep my stance when he was upon me again. I darted under his arm and ran out of his way. He was just a tad bit slower than me and it kept him out of distance from me so that I could regain myself. When I heard the man growl I turned on my heel and ducked under his arm yet again to slash at him with my sword from the back. I heard him growl as it knocked him back throwing myself to pounce on him.

I felt the air leave my lungs when his axe collided with my stomach and for a moment I couldn't see anything but the look on his face as he stared up at me. I felt myself cough up liquid that dripped down my chin to fall against the man's cheek. It was blood. He finished the cut and it threw me back nearly all the way across the room. I landed on my stomach with my sword still clutched in my hand. I reached down to touch my stomach where the armor had been cut off of my body and felt the cool scales underneath it. Dragon scales. I had had this under-armor made especially for this day because I knew that weapon could tear any armor I wore to shreds.

I knew there had been something inside of me broken because the blood that leaked from my mouth still flowed heavily and I let my face rest against the cold tile floor. Maker, how nice it was to lie there and think of giving in. I pushed back the pain that made me want to whimper and thought about giving in. For the first time in my life I thought about just lying there and letting him take my head. I could deal with pain and I was sure he wouldn't let me feel anything when he used that huge ax. I smiled at the thought until my ears stopped ringing and I became aware of one sound.

* * *

><p><em>Noises, I play within my head,<em>  
><em>Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing.<em>  
><em>And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept,<em>  
><em>In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe.<em>

~ Ellie Goulding "Lights"

* * *

><p>It was more like a cacophony of sounds melding into one single word. "Hawke!"<p>

Breath flooded my lungs along with the need to stand up. I couldn't give up! I had a reason to live and a reason to fight now! "I-I'm not done yet," I cough as I stand up slowly to my feet pulling my sword with me. The Arishok turns to look at me with surprise on his face. His eyes trail down to my stomach where the dragon scales glimmered in the lighting of the hall. His eyes show his understanding as he takes back his ax and starts to walk towards me.

If I had ever looked Death in the face...it was now and I felt myself accept that I wouldn't make it out of this fight. Smiling to the dwarf who was behind held back by Fenris so that he didn't come after me, I closed my eyes and let the dam break. Power surged through my every vein and I felt the release that signaled my fall into Berserking but there was a sort of control that I had gotten so used to keeping. The Arishok stopped when I opened my eyes. "You said I had changed," I whisper in a voice that doesn't sound like my own anymore. I could never tell if it was just the rushing of blood in my ears or if my voice truly changed timber. "I have."

"A Berserker," the Arishok states, finishing my sentence for me. "One with control, impressive."

I smile gently before slowly giving up the control I held so dear while in this version of myself. "Not for long," I whisper softly and let go completely. I let the rage of my betrayals and the murder of my mother course through my veins using those emotions to fuel the power that was taking over my body. I felt my body tense up as the power finally burst out through my pores and I threw my head back to scream out. The sound shook the walls and suddenly my world went red and I had no more control over my sane mind.

All I remember of the last part of my fight with the Arishok was coming out of it to see the giant at my feet his stomach completely cut open. His innards were spilt across the ground around me and his eyes were barely open. His mouth moved but I didn't hear his voice until the surge of noise came back to my ears. I looked down at the man as he breathed out his last breath and felt a sudden surge of self-hatred at what I had done. I had destroyed the one challenge I had ever had in my life as a warrior and the loss hit me so hard I fell to my knees just as my friends surrounded me.

When I came out of being a Berserker a couple things happened in a row. The first was the return of consciousness; second was the return of hearing; and last was the pain.

I held back a scream that bubbled in the back of my throat as the pain hit me like a herd of Dragons. I clutched at my stomach and I looked down to see blood pouring from the wound. "He-He cut through my dragon scales," I choke as blood drips down my chin.

"Anders!" I hear Varric shout as the Mage presses me to the bloody ground to get to the wound. I hold back the noises but once the Mage starts at the wound I can't hold back my screams of pain. The tugging and pulling of the healing magic had never settled right with me but I had always known there would be pain with healing. You couldn't stitch a wound without a needle and magic wasn't any different.

"Damn it! Hold her down!" I hear the Mage shout as multiple hands shove me to the ground and I can't stop myself from crying. I could feel the internal damage slowly being sewn by the magic needles that picked my skin and drew out the pain until it finally subsided. "Maker, she's been bleeding from the inside for a long time."

I was slowly starting to slip away from consciousness staring up to finally see Varric. His blond hair was haloed in a ring of light from above and he looked angelic. I smiled slightly and reached up to touch his cheek gently. "You did it," he whispers as the others leave to give us some space.

"Yeah...then why do I feel so bad?" I shudder hoarsely feeling the stubble on his face lightly.

"Probably because of the hole that was just in your guts!" he tries to joke but his laugh sounds a bit like a sob.

I chuckle softly feeling the soreness start to set in. My muscles hated me at the moment. "I feel like I..." I stop when I can't find the words I need to say and Varric shakes his head. "I feel like I could have avoided killing him."

"There was nothing you could have done, Hawke," he comforts me stroking my forehead tenderly. I smile but for some reason I felt like there was something that I had forgotten to do. "You gave up control, didn't you?"

I nod my head slowly. "I knew there would be no other way to defeat him," I whisper taking the dwarf's hand to take comfort in his solid nature. "If I kept control then I would over think everything until I ran out of energy. I honestly didn't think I would come out of it alive."

"But you did," he reminds me and I smile softly. "Now, let's talk later. You need to sleep."

I close my eyes feeling the exhaustion finally wash over me completely. "Mm, you're right," I mutter before letting the sleep I so desperately needed claim my body and mind. The darkness, though frightening, was welcomed and I slipped into oblivion.

* * *

><p><em>You show the lights that stop me turn to stone.<em>  
><em>You shine it when I'm alone.<em>  
><em>And so I tell myself that I'll be strong.<em>  
><em>And dreaming when they're gone.<em>

~ Ellie Goulding "Lights"


	6. Chapter 6

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Cursing, violence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

* * *

><p><em>Why in these days of manmade wonders we still bicker over flies?<br>When you come seeking for forgiveness, I'll be forced to choose my side._

_If I deny you what you're searching, do I do it out of fear._  
><em>Am I ruling out my reason, killing that which I hold dear?<em>

_Out of my way I'm coming, with an excuse just underway._  
><em>Reality's so daunting, and I've got no way to explain.<em>

~ Poets of the Fall "Diamonds For Tears"

* * *

><p>My legs took me to the door and I let my hand rest against the handle feeling the cold metal under my fingers. I took a deep, calming breath and opened the door letting it swing open to show a dark room. The smell of dust was overwhelming but there was also two very familiar scents that swirled together to make one smell that brought back too many memories. I felt the fear settle deep within my chest as I heard a match struck and the light flared to life not but three feet away.<p>

Slowly, a candle wick was lit and I came to see the woman I knew would be sitting there staring at me with haunting eyes. "Hawke," I heard myself breathe as she sat down the used match and picked up the goblet of wine sitting next to her. She brought it to her thin line of a mouth and took a long drought of the blood red liquid that I could see through the clear glass. I watched her in complete and utter silence as she sat the glass down before sitting back in her chair.

I didn't even have to look around to know that there were bodies littered across the ground. I could smell the coppery tang of blood that had mixed with her heady, woodsy smell reminding me of all of the battles we had ever shared. I knew it had been her by this scent and I felt that she realized this from the beginning. Perhaps, that's why she had struck the match instead of killing me right there. Or perhaps, she had other plans for me that I was not aware of at the moment. Either way, she was unnerving as she crossed her fingers in front of her face. She looked a lot like Varric in that moment and I could tell that they spent a lot of time together. Her scent had also changed a bit since she shared her space so intimately withe dwarf; there was a musky hint to her usually woody smell that made it even more intoxicating.

"Isabella," she responds after a long while and I could hear how her voice had changed. It wasn't an obvious change but was more subtle and sounded like she had had a stressful life since I left her company. "Sit." It wasn't a request as she gestured towards the chair sitting right across from her. It was across the table from her but even then I was terrified of what she would do to me at that distance. I felt my insides curl as her lips quirked up in a resentful smile that I had never seen in her before her mother had been murdered. It was full of unrelenting hatred and I felt myself shiver at the look in her silver eyes. "I only want to talk."

I felt my legs move on their own and I found myself sitting in the chair opposite to her own staring at her face as she leaned in further into the light of the candle. "Why are you here?" I finally ask watching her face turn with amusement as a fine, dark eyebrow quirked curiously. I knew why she was here. I knew perfectly well why she was here taking down this house full of bandits to get to me. She wanted my head. She wanted the revenge that came with me betraying her. I knew that this might very well happen if I stayed anywhere near Kirkwall but I couldn't go very far with Castillon still on my ass for the relic. After tonight, I would have been free to roam where I wanted.

"I need the Relic, Isabella," she states.

"The Relic?" I ask, shocked. That's not what I had expected at all and it must have shown on my face because she laughed at me. It wasn't the happy, beautiful sound I was used to either. It was a dry, terrible sound that made me shudder with disgust. How could she had fallen this far? The woman who had taken on all of Kirkwall to protect those she loved and the good of the people? The one who had smiled brightly at me and asked me to come along with her? Where had that woman gone?

"You think I came here for your head?" she asks obviously amused by my shock. "You truly think I would take so much time and effort to hunt down a lying, back-stabbing thief, like you? Now, Isabella, that's vain even for you!" Her attack hurt and I found myself glaring at her even though her amusement made my blood chill then boil all at the same time.

Instead, I just turned the subject around. "You are here so the Arishok must be dead. Why would you need the Relic now? To sell it to the highest bidder?" I ask and feel myself freeze at the glare that set across her face. The bridge of her nose wrinkled and I saw her brow pinch together as she bared her teeth at me in a very animalistic manner.

"Do not put me on the same level as you, Isabella," she snaps making me flinch slightly. "You are right, though, the Arishok is dead...by my hand. A situation that your betrayal forced me into." I could hear the anger in her words but she kept herself controlled and I watched her eyes to make sure she didn't go Berserk on me. I didn't want her to catch me by surprise.

I glare back at her. "If I had turned myself in then he would have shipped me back to Par Vollen!" I snap harshly.

Her hand slams down on the table making her wine glass jump just as I did. "I wouldn't have let him!" she nearly screams almost knocking down the candle that is still burning on the table. I stare at her in shock as she slowly settles back down in her chair. "I wouldn't have let him take you. I would have protected you."

"You would have had to fight him then!" I state, frustrated at this roundabout we were going on.

"But it would have been my choice," she snaps pointing a finger at me harshly. "You put me into a position where I had no choice but to fight him! Had you come with me then I would have had the choice to fight him or to hand you over! I didn't have a choice!" Her logic was sound but I still wasn't convinced. "What gave you the right to doubt me?"

* * *

><p><em>In the light of recent findings, there's no greater taint than grace,<em>  
><em>But to relinquish all our bindings, always finds us out of place.<em>

_If I rested here a while more, would you hold me to your heart,_  
><em>Will I know what it's meant for, will I know to play my part?<em>

_Out of my way I'm coming, another excuse before I'll stay._  
><em>Reality's applauding, I know I don't know the right way.<em>

~ Poets of the Fall "Diamonds for Tears"

* * *

><p>Her question knocked me off kilter and I thought about it for a short time. Why did I doubt her? I had no reason to, really, other than the fact that she respected the Arishok. I saw the way they looked at each other when she stood in his compound. He saw her as a worthy warrior and she respected him for his power, grace and ability to run a whole culture by himself. Had I thought she would give me over out of respect for him? Or was it just my fear that made me run away?<p>

"You never would have chosen me over the Arishok."

One moment I am sitting down and the next I am being flung up against a wall by my throat. Her grip is powerful and I choke as she presses me against the wooden wall of the building. "Who gave you the right to decide for me?" she roars harshly flinging me to the side. I skid across dead bodies and get blood all over my outfit. My throat is dully aching as she walks towards me. "I never asked for anything, Isabella! I never asked for anything and yet all I ever got was constant demands! I did everything for you! I protected you up until that point! Why would I let them take you? Why would I let Castillon kill you? You were my friend!"

I look up to see the tears running down her face and feel myself wince at the pain in those silver orbs that gaze at me with so much hurt. Friend...it was such a foreign concept for me. "What happened to you?" I ask hoarsely feeling my throat protest harshly.

She stops in her trek towards me and stares at me without an emotion on her face before she turns around to face away from me. I try to wipe the blood from my face but only manage to smear more because of my dirty clothing. "I came to the reality of things, Isabella. No matter what I do for Kirkwall...for people, they are always going to end up hurting me," I barely hear her whisper and I can see her shoulders trembling slightly with her emotions. "I enjoyed making this city a nice place to live. I enjoyed helping others and then it started to catch up to me. You think I was happy every step of the way? You think I was happy when I had to kill people just because someone else ordered me to or because I _had_ to out of mercy? It's been slowly chipping away at my heart and soul ever since the first betrayal in the Deep Roads and...my mother was the last straw," she explains being more honest right then than I had ever heard her before. She was famous for hiding her emotions so that others wouldn't worry about her.

Her face turns back to me and I can see the anger in her eyes. "You have Varric," I whisper gently standing up on shaking legs terrified of what she might do to me. I was alone with her in a blood-soaked room not knowing if she could hold back going Berserk.

At the sound of her lover's name she relaxed and I could see the anger wash off of her shoulders like a weight falling away. If just his name had this effect on her...I would have loved to see how she would react if he actually touched her! "I need the Relic," she reiterates her original purpose calmly.

"You know I can't do that," I whisper softly. She was terrifying but Castillon would torture me; I knew Hawke wouldn't torture me. Sure, she had done so to her mother's killer but that was different.

I watch her narrow her eyes before she goes back to the table and pulls out a bag from behind the chair. She tosses it to my side and smirks sarcastically. "There." I reach out with my shaking hands to untie the bag and open it. I jump back when I see Castillon's cold grey eyes staring back at me. It was his head; castrated from his body in a way that couldn't have been easy judging by the jagged marks left on his neck. Someone had sawed this thing from his shoulders, hopefully after he had already been killed. "Now give me the Relic," Hawke states coldly.

"You killed Castillon," I whisper as I push the bag away slowly. "Why?"

"I need the Relic, Isabella. I fought and killed the Arishok. The Qun demands that they bring back the Relic or all of their warriors are dishonored and will probably be put to death," she explains finally her glare harsh. "I can't let that happen. I owe the Arishok too much to let his beloved men die in dishonor. Give me the Relic."

Touching the bag hanging from my back I pull it off my body and toss it to her. She grabs it while it archs to her and opens it up to inspect the undamaged Relic. "There, happy?" I ask dangerously. Her face takes on a new emotion and she relaxes slowly before slinging the bag over her shoulder.

"Yes, very," was all she said as she started to walk away.

"That's it?" I ask without meaning to.

She pauses in her stride towards the door to turn and look at me. The heat in her gaze burns through my skin and straight through my skin to scorch my soul hotly. "What else would there be for me to say?" her question was harsh and clipped short.

"You're...not going to kill me?" I ask in a whisper that is almost like a sob. Her silver eyes searched my own and I felt as if I could hide nothing from her. She took a couple steps to stand right in front of me staring down her hand ghosting over the dagger I knew she kept at her thigh.

Her head tilts in amusement that is almost full of humor. "I could," she tells me and I know that she could just slit my throat right there to bleed me out. "But...that would be much too simple for you. I want you to live with the guilt of knowing you betrayed the only person-the only people-who gave a damn about you. That seems more fitting for you than to just take your head." She contemplates something for a few moments before turning back around and heading for the door again.

I watch her go as tears slip down my face. She was right. She was always right! "I'm sorry," I say catching her attention yet again. "I'm sorry."

I can see her waver but I'm not sure why the shudder passed through her body as she tipped her head back looking for something in the dingy ceiling. "As am I," she whispers fighting something invisible that I cannot see. I cannot even tell what it is that she is struggling with. Is she struggling to forgive me? Or is she fighting to keep from slitting my throat? A sigh escapes her lips as she turns back to look at me. There was softness in her eyes now; something, I hadn't grown to understand in her until I had seen her like she was before. She offered a hand to me. I stared at it and felt myself grow confused. "Come back with me, Isabella," she states confidently with a gentle smile.

"What?" I yelp pulling away from the hand as if it were poisonous.

"Come back with me," she repeats keeping the hand outstretched. "It will take a while but we will slowly begin to trust you like we did before. I need you in my group, Isabella. I can't do this without you." I look into her eyes and expect to see mocking lies but she was completely and totally serious. I felt my eyes sting with tears and I was suddenly crying. "Come with me."

Her hand hooks my elbow and suddenly I am pressed into her armored chest crying pathetically into her shoulder. Since when had she been so tall? I couldn't remember the last time I had been this close to her but it was obvious that she was just as solid as she looked. "Why would you take me back?" I sob into her chest gripping her armor harshly.

"Because you're my friend and friends give each other second chances," she tells me while stroking my hair tenderly. Her voice was strong and sweet in my ear; I felt myself growing warm with the feeling of companionship. "Come on, let's go." She led me to the door practically holding me up with one arm. The moonlight was cool and soft against my skin as I pulled away to see Fenris, Varric and Anders standing there waiting for us. They looked at me with a mixture of emotions but they would do as Hawke said and they would trust her in her trust of me. "Let's go home," she smiles and we walk away from that bloody warehouse and away from the past that would probably forever haunt me.

* * *

><p><em>Is it a lost cause, <em>  
><em>Can we overlook this taint,<em>  
><em>Are these the dead laws,<em>  
><em>Like a doubt eating the saint?<em>

_And though I fear these shackles, like my darkness closing in._  
><em>I will hold out my hands, I will hold out my hands.<em>

~ Poets of the Fall "Diamonds for Tears"


	7. Chapter 7

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Cursing, Violence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

* * *

><p><em>On your palm an endless wonder,<br>Lines that speak the truth without a sound,  
>In your eyes awaits the tireless hunger,<br>Already looks for prey to run down,_

_So why do we keep up this charade?_  
><em>How do we tell apart the time to leave from the time to wait?<em>

~ Poets of the Fall "Where do we Draw the Line"

* * *

><p>"How could you?" the woman shouted throwing the betraying mage up against a stone wall. I winced when I heard the loud crunch that sounded from the man's battered body. He cried out as she slammed him up against the wall a second time then a third until my hand grabbed her shoulder to halt her motion. "How could you!" she screams in his face the tears flowing from her eyes down her cheeks to drop on the armor covering her body.<p>

"There was no other way," he rasps out blood dripping from his lips to dribble down his chin. Shit, if I didn't stop her enough to let the mage heal himself then...we would be out a healing mage. And as much as the betrayal of our friend hurt me I knew that we needed him to at least finish this fight.

"There was!" she growls harshly in his face tossing him to the side.

"Lillian! Let him heal himself!" I say moving to block her path. I place my hands at her arms trying to hold her back from the mage who was slowly taking the chance to heal himself. The others were watching from the outskirts of the fight knowing that if any of them interfered then they would probably share the same fate as the mage.

She places a hand on my shoulder but instead of calming down she shoves me to the side as gently as her brain can process at the moment. "You've betrayed me, Anders," she whispers the sorrow filling her voice as the tears come in waves. "Anyone else?" She looks at the others around us and now I know she is speaking only through her emotions. "Anyone else want to betray me now? I've already lost Fenris! If anyone else wants to leave then go!"

No one moved.

Merril was the first to speak. "I'm staying with you, le'thalan," she says standing straight and tall.

"I may not side with your choice but I will stay by your side," Aveline states standing beside the elven mage.

Isabella smiles and moves beside the mage. "I will stay with you."

I smile and take her hand gently. "I will always be by your side, love," I tell her and I can see her slowly starting to relax. I could tell she was truly hurt by Fenris' departure but we all knew that if she sided with the mages that he would leave and if she sided with the Templars then she would have lost Anders.

She takes a deep breath and moves towards the downed mage who had yet to get up. "I may not agree with what you did. I may think it was the stupidest thing you could have done but...I need you to be with me for this fight. You need to be here in this fight for yourself," she states seeming to find a nirvana in her torrent of emotions. She offers him a hand. "Come with me."

"You're not going to kill me?" he whispers while taking her hand so that she can haul him up.

She jerks him forward and takes him by his hair so that their faces are mere inches from each other. She stares into his brown eyes with her piercing gaze. If I hadn't known better I would have thought she were going to kiss him. Instead, she gave a deadly grin. "I haven't decided if I'm going to let you live _after_ the fight but I need you now so don't make me angry," she hisses before letting him go. "Let's go end this."

* * *

><p><em>What does tomorrow want with me?<br>What does it matter what I see?  
>If it can't be my design.<br>Tell me where do we draw the line.  
><em>

~ Poets of the Fall "Where do we Draw the Line"

* * *

><p>"It was this last betrayal that broke something inside of the Champion of Kirkwall," I state to Seeker who is staring at me with those dark eyes. "She completed the task at hand and won for the mages and helped defeat Meredith but...she wasn't the same afterwards." I stop and collect my thoughts staring at the darkness that lingered behind the tall woman. "After that we disappeared from Kirkwall. Anders was spared though I heard he was killed not too long after we separated. Merril traveled with the Champion until she was called back to her Dalish clan. Isabella went back to where she came from after Hawke left a rather large sum of money in her hands; she told her that it was for her new ship. Fenris, he made it very clear what he felt about Hawke and she made it pretty clear that she didn't care. He left. Aveline stayed in Kirkwall to help with the guard and to heal the city..."<p>

"As for the Champion and yourself?" she asks.

I shake my head letting my thoughts linger on the face of my lover after the battle. She had looked so dejected, so lost. Her life had been so easy before she had come to Kirkwall. She had survived and the trials on her body were evident. The new scar that marred the beautiful flesh of her chest was a painful reminder of how hard her fight with Meredith had been. Thankfully, Anders had stayed long enough to heal her wound and...she had forgiven him, thinking she was going to die right there. He had smiled and said that he forgave her too and thanked her for siding with him. They had been friends when they had separated but even his healing couldn't mend the wounds done to her personality, her mind.

"We traveled for a while together..." I whisper feeling the emotions choking off my words.

"But..."

I shake my head. "She told me a year ago that she needed to go...and she left," I state staring to the side looking into the darkness that seemed to be my life. "I've never told anyone the truth. I always end up putting her with Fenris or Anders or even Merril or Isabella...it just seems like a dream that we shared so much passion." I stay silent for a while letting her mull over my words before I sigh. "Am I allowed to leave?"

"Yes, you may leave," she states before turning and going out the door.

I stand up and exit the building long after she had gone to make sure that they were no longer there to block my way. I didn't want to face Seeker. I knew she would leave out the parts of the story she knew were not to be shared with anyone else. No matter how I faced the story...it seemed so...unrealistic that the hero should fall for the dwarven story teller. No, the pain was too great to think about. I could still see her the first time I had met her; a bright, young woman with so much hope in the world. Then, my mind went to the woman I had stood in front of as she said good-bye. Her bright silver eyes were dull with so much confusion and desperation for an answer to the question that plagued her mind. I could not give her those answers, sadly enough.

I had stood by her as long as I could but I knew that as soon as she started to pull away that I was going to have to let go. I would have to let her find her own way and hope that she came back. After she had left, I went back to Orzammar to see the rest of my family but I had found nothing but darkness there as well so I traveled all over Ferelden telling the story of my Champion. I could never let anyone know that I had been the one to love the woman so I instead created tales of her having a rough rivalry with Fenris that lead into a romance neither of them understood. Or perhaps I would feel like making the rogue mage into the unwitting love of the fierce, passionate female warrior? And if I were feeling especially creative I would have my love romance the shy, naive little Dalish mage and sweep her off of her feet in the most romantic way.

But never did the dwarf win the girl. I couldn't bear to relive the memories. Seeker was the first person to actually hear the real story from my lips. It hurt to know that even though I was the only man to ever truly love that woman and I couldn't even help to heal her mental scars. I tried to take the pain away but...I couldn't work magic like that.

I stood outside of the huge building and sighed deeply. Where to go now? I had nowhere to be; my life had little point to it since I had stopped traveling and fighting with my Champion. I turned towards the tavern figuring I could at least get a drink and fall asleep to work off this depression after reliving everything I had ever gone through with the second love of my life. I never even got to say those three words that she needed so desperately to hear before she left. I just...couldn't. The woman that had walked away wasn't the same woman I had fallen in love with.

"Varric, we have a couple customers that would like some wild tales of yours," the bartender states as he hands me a very heavy ale. "Think you could humor them? They are rather important people to this town. They spend an awful lot here."

Honestly, I didn't want to relive it again but I could change the story to my liking without messing with the main message. Who would it be tonight? Fenris, that one always got a lot of applause. Anders...hm...nah, too romantic for my mood. I think I'll use Fenris tonight to get out my moody, brooding side. It would do me some good. "Yeah, I'll do it," I said with a wave of my hand as I was pointed in the direction of a rather large table full of important looking people. A couple? I quirked an eyebrow at the bartender but he was already dealing with another customer.

* * *

><p><em>The dance of flames and shadows in the street,<em>  
><em>Make poetry nobody's ever heard.<em>  
><em>The weight of loneliness stands on your feet,<em>  
><em>The cage already there around the bird.<em>

_So why don't we join the masquerade?_  
><em>Before it all falls apart before our love becomes insatiate.<em>

~ Poets of the Fall "Where Do We Draw the Line"

* * *

><p>"Fenris stormed up to the shocked female who had not expected to see him there on such a strange night. She hadn't even put on her finery and was still in her blood soaked armor. 'I have been thinking about you,' he states angrily growling in a way that could have been seen as aggressive. 'In fact there is little I have been able to think about! Tell me to go and I shall go.' A sly smirk crosses the woman's face as she tilts her head to the side coyly. 'No need,' she states and is thrown into a passionate kiss that makes her head spin and her legs grow weak. She is thrown back into the wall as she grips at the elf's hide armor pulling him ever closer," I state already to the good part even after thirty minutes. They were hanging on my every word like everyone else who heard the story. "Their kiss was so passionate that even the next day I could see that Hawke's lips were bruised, thus how I found out about the story. Slowly, they made their stumbling way to her room and-"<p>

"Funny," a heavily accented voice states from behind me causing the people sitting in front of me look up and I stop to turn. Who could interrupt the best part of the story like that? I could tell that the accent was Antivan in origin and when I looked all I saw was a cloaked figure. I could tell it was a woman by the voice but the black cloth of her hood effectively shadowed her eyes and all I could see was her nose and lips. She had dusty skin and a large scar across the bridge of her nose but other than that I could not tell who this woman was. "I always thought that the dwarf got the girl!"

I bristle at the woman's words and chuckle lightly. "No, the dwarf never gets the girl, my lady. May I ask who you are?"

"I have business that I must attend with you," she states a smirk crossing her lips. "If you will excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen. It is of urgent business. I'm sure Messere Varric wouldn't mind finishing this story tomorrow." Her tone left no room for argument and I was pretty sure that as her hand came from under the cloak it didn't hurt that she was in armor that looked like it came directly from the Antivan Crows. This wasn't going to be good. "If you would please?"

I nod my head and stand up to lead her towards my room. I had a bad feeling about this and as I closed the door behind her I looked to where my crossbow was just to make sure I had it with me. "Now, what does an Antivan Crow want with me?" I ask as she glances around the room, surely taking in all exits and weapons.

"Antivan Crow?" she asks then looks down at her hide armor. "Oh yes, I forgot about this. I got it from a friend back in Antiva. I can assure you that I am no Antivan Crow. No, instead, I came to see who was spreading all of the lies about the Champion."

"What?" I ask confused.

"The love interest of the Champion, Varric. Everywhere I go it is always different. Sometimes she is thrown into a passionate rivalry with the handsome elf slave and other times she has a romantic love affair with the apostate mage. Hell, she even has some fun with the women of the group sometimes! But never the dwarf?" she asks turning to face me with a smirk on her lips.

"Why do you care?" I whisper feeling like I was walking into a trap.

"Because," she states reaching for her hood. "I have the Champion's best interest at heart." Her accent is gone as the hood settles over her shoulders and I find myself staring into the face of my once lover. My heart...stops. Just stops right where it was and I feel myself grow dizzy. She was different from before. Her hair was longer; it actually reached her shoulders in a straight sheen of dark brown. Her scar was fresh, she probably got it a month or two ago but it added a bit of odd beauty to her. But it was her eyes...they were blue! Not silver but blue! "Good to see you too, Varric!" she laughs the sound something of a memory that I hadn't heard even when we were traveling together after the death of Meredith.

"H-Hawke! What are you doing here? Are you crazy?" I state pulling her away from the window to press her into the wall out of the window's view. "The Chantry's dogs are out looking for you!" She chuckles and gives me a look that tells me just what she thinks about being pinned to the wall. I pull away but not before she hooked her hand behind my neck and pulls me into a kiss that makes my blood boil. It was so familiar even after all of the time we had been away from each other. Her tongue plunges into my lips without permission and I allow her the chance to rekindle old flames.

She pulls away first and smiles with a deep sigh. "I've been meaning to do that for a year now!" she smiles wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. "I'm sorry, Varric. I'm sorry I've been away for so long but..." Her hands cup my face as she crouches down to get on eye level with me to stare into my eyes with her strangely colored orbs. "I-I have so much to tell you."

"Then come tell me," I say pressing my lips to her forehead.

* * *

><p><em>Where's the cooling wind?<em>  
><em>Where's the evergreen field?<em>  
><em>Where's my mother's open arms?<em>  
><em>Where's my father lionheart?<em>  
><em>S'like the sun's gone down,<em>  
><em>Sleeps in the hallowed ground now.<em>  
><em>With the autumn's browns leaves,<em>  
><em>With the one who never grieves.<em>

~ Poets of the Fall "Where Do We Draw The Line"


	8. Chapter 8

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Cursing, Violence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

* * *

><p><em>If a plane crashed into my room,<br>I wouldn't even flinch,  
><em>_I couldn't try to move.  
><em>_My mind is on you,  
>My mind is on <em>_you._

~ Ellie Goulding "Little Dreams"

* * *

><p>I had been wandering for what felt like ages just trying to get rid of the tension in my soul. I couldn't seem to fix the hatred in my heart; couldn't seem to shake this feeling of insecurity. I had no way of knowing how to release this agony that held tightly to my mind. I needed something but I had been wandering around fighting random creatures until I ended up in Oatwick along the coast far, far away from the city I had tried to protect for so long.<p>

I didn't know where I was going but I figured that the only place that could stand a chance of helping me was Orzammar seeing as that was where the Berserker tradition had started. I jumped a ship and traveled across the ocean to Ferelden. Back to my homeland that was no longer plagued by the nasty blight. As the shores came closer and closer I felt more and more nervous. The journey wasn't as long as the first taken from the Korcari Wilds all the way around Ferelden. No, this one was straight to the Highever and started traveling from there.

By this point I had plenty of money and moved from Highever to go see the Circle Tower that looked a mess from where I was standing on the shore of the lake that held it in. I had to take a boat across but I wasn't allowed because I didn't have permission. Were the mages there living life normally? Were they happy? Or were they like Anders and hated their predicament? I would have to find out later. I moved to Orzammar where I went underground to try and find some sort of teacher. I would need to find a very strong Berserker to teach me. I tried to find Oghren again but he wasn't back in Orzammar or was on business elsewhere at the moment. Either way, I wasn't welcomed very happily to the underground because I was an outsider and when I inquired as to where I could find a Berserker teacher I was always sneered at and shooed off.

I was feeling pretty heart sore when I went to the tavern to have a drink to calm my nerves. When I walked in, I felt myself reminded of the Hanged Man and of the dwarven lover I had left to come on this journey. I turned to leave when I came to find that there was a dagger being pressed into the dip between my collar bones. I stop instantly feeling my skin bristle with the first signs of battle. I was faced with a group of lower caste men and women. No doubt they were hired with a good sum of money to get rid of the surface dweller running around the city. I held back knowing these men and women were just in it for the money.

"I suggest you don't," I state softly with a gentle smile. I was in no way aggressive but I could feel the hound that was the Berserker inside of me pressing to be released. Somehow, I had to persuade these low caste dwarves to flee of their own will or I would be forced to kill them for no reason but for the fact that they were 'expendable'. They were only here for the money. "How much was paid to you for my murder?" I ask watching the shock cross their faces. I chuckle good-heartedly. "I know you did not come here to kill me without some kind of motivation. So how much? Perhaps I could double that."

* * *

><p><em>If the streetlight smashed above me<em>  
><em>I wouldn't move an inch.<em>  
><em>Turn the glass into stars and your face is the moon<em>  
><em>And the night turns to you,<em>  
><em>Cos my mind is on you.<em>

~ Ellie Goulding "Little Dreams"

* * *

><p>They look at each other and the other dwarves in the tavern were staring at us. "You? A random, ragged surface dweller? I highly doubt you could come up with even half of what we have been offered!" the leader states, a woman who was harsh looking and had plenty of scars all over her face and neck. Somehow, I knew that she was a woman who could be bargained with. I cross my arms and quirk my eyebrow curiously. "Ten sovereigns was what we were paid. A coin for each of us."<p>

"Is that it?" I ask digging through my armor to pull out one of the many bags I had on me. I toss it to her watching her hand reach out to grab it. "You will find fifty sovereigns in there, my good Dwarf. That is five pieces for each of you if I'm not mistaken. Is that enough?"

After opening the bag the look of disbelief changes to one of shock. Her dark brown eyes looked up at me and she chuckles lightly placing a hand on her head. "I-I can't believe it. You'd...who are you?" she asks and I give a soft smile.

"Someone in need of some help."

Shockingly enough, those Dusters were helpful in more ways than I could have expected. They needed help just as much as I did; the living conditions that they lived in were shit and they had some strange disappearances that had plagued them. I promised to take a look if they could find me a suitable teacher. "I am not as I used to be," I tell Talna over a cup of hard ale that wasn't too bad for being of Duster origin. It wasn't any worse than what they sold at the Hanged Man. "I became a Berserker and as such I have not been able to control it. I need a teacher to show me how to control my emotions. If not...I fear I'll never be able to return to my lover. I know I killed him by leaving him but...I could not get help from him and I could not let him tear himself apart because of it."

She sits back and thinks for a long while before setting her hand on the table harshly. "I do know of one Berserker in the town but getting to her will be tricky," she states running her fingers over her chin. She? That sounded promising. "She married into a very prominent family so she hasn't trained or fought publicly in a long time. To get her attention you'll have to do something drastic."

"You obviously don't know my life," I chuckle with a shake of my head. "I'm up for anything."

Anything, happened to be going through what they called the Provings. The fighting wasn't the hard part. It was getting in to the Provings that was the difficult part especially for a surface dweller. So while I was having to deal with the disappearances, which happened to help me out in the long run, I had to find a way into the Hightown to get them to pay attention to me. I found that way through the disappearances. I found out that there was a slave trade going on in one of the Hightown families. Talna knew that if I went bursting through the doors that I would be hauled away as quickly as possible to cover up everything but I knew a way to make everyone win.

I would just need to get captured. It wasn't really that hard, honestly! Who could resist a physically appealing woman who didn't belong anyways! No one would miss her except for her Duster friends and they barely meant anything more than the outsider. I just had to make myself vulnerable and that meant staging my own injury so it would make it easier for them to capture me; Talna took care of that staged fight making me attack some rogue outfit of Dusters, which were truly just some of her guys. All they had to do was nick me and I would make a big deal about it and need to be bandaged up and put to rest.

It worked like a charm.

I let them take me (me struggling weakly for effect) when they thought I was truly wounded with the layers of falsely bloodied bandages wrapped around my abdomen. I struggled a bit but was taken anyways without much pain because they knew I was already hurt. I was just dragged over someone's shoulder, a human helper it seemed, and was taken up the tunnels to a very prominent house in the Hightown. They threw me into a room with some random dwarf male that I had seen walking around Hightown plenty of times when I went there to do some searching.

"Quite a pretty surface dweller from what I'm told," the man states and I slowly sit up feigning my pain. I didn't want him to know that I wasn't actually hurt...yet. He walks over and touches my chin pulling my face up to meet his, staring into my silver eyes. "Oh, what a lovely shade. You'll do fine."

He gestured to the door that opened to show a group of Tevinter Slavers. I knew what they were because I had fought plenty of them back in Kirkwall. I should have guessed they were in on this trade. They walked up to me and saw that I wasn't bound and wounded. They looked over my scantily clad body, which was only covered by a set of bandages and a pair of loose fitting pants. I was obviously no threat.

"I think you'll find this one quite beautiful. She also has silver eyes," the Dwarf states just as I lift my eyes to look at them.

One man stops dead in his tracks and he seems shocked to see me. "D-Do you know who you have in your grasp?" he asks and I whisper a curse under my breath as I jump up to punch the man in the face before he could say my title. I had not expected for them to recognize me! Damn it, why did my eyes have to be so memorable?

They barely had time to even draw their weapons before I was on them. I took a sword and started to chop them to pieces not willing to die just yet. I still had something to go back to. It took very little time to disable the slavers and by then my capture was cowering in the corner. I had effectively blocked the door to make sure he couldn't get out while I was distracted. "Now, show me to your dungeons," I state pointing the great sword at the man's face.

He took me to a lower level where there were more than a dozen men and women in each cell. He wasn't just trading Dusters either. He was trading noble dwarves too. "You've got some balls," I note as I unlock the doors to let them all out. I catch one of the noble dwarves and smile down at him. "Tell your house what has happened and who saved you."

It didn't take too long for the word to spread around and soon that noble dwarf was inviting me to dinner in his house where they would talk about my reward with his father. His parents were quite nice and very thankful that I had helped their son. In fact, they were willing to forget that I was an outsider and allow me something for my trouble. Bulls eye. "Actually, I want to do something for you that will help me in the long run," I state calmly with a gentle smile.

"Anything."

* * *

><p><em>If electric charges shock me,<em>  
><em>I'd smile and fold my arms,<em>  
><em>I'd feel nothing new,<em>  
><em>Because my mind is on you.<em>

_And if the floor gave way to my shoes,_  
><em>I wouldn't try to fly,<em>  
><em>I can't explain what it would feel,<em>  
><em>I just feel you.<em>

~ Ellie Goulding "Little Dreams"

* * *

><p>"I would love to fight for you in the Provings," I say smoothly watching their faces. The son and father looked to each other then back to me obviously very shocked at my proposition. I explained my situation and they seemed to understand how desperate I was for a proper teacher.<p>

The father sighs deeply. "Our family has not fought within the Provings for decades, my friend," he states obviously very sorry for this fact.

I smirk confidently. "You have not had a fighter strong enough to break through the ranks of the fighters already established? Well, now you do," I tell him.

"You cannot take these men and women without serious consideration, my friend. They have been fighting since they were able to wield and ax!" he explains.

"I can promise you, friend, that I will not fail."

My promise was not without backing and he even promised to get my Berserker noblewoman to come out to the Provings to see me fight. With that in mind, I walked in thinking that I wouldn't have a problem. Well, I knew that I would have to hold back today because this wasn't about killing someone. I just needed to fight to knock unconscious not to survive. No, I wasn't in the forest anymore fighting random wolves and bandits; this was just for fun.

I had borrowed a long sword from the House I now represented and even though the man had looked at me skeptically when I had asked for one he wasn't disappointed by the outcome. The Provings had been long enough away from me to get back into the swing of things, literally. They let me use their training rooms so that I could get used to throwing around a sword again but it was just like learning to write, you never forgot how to do it. I picked it up instantly and felt at peace. I was back where I belonged and I used Dusters to get back into shape. Talna was a rogue but she was an amazing rogue that reminded me of Isabella. She was a duel sword wielder and was something of a menace with them. I guess living in the underground of the underground did some things for your talents.

When the Provings came, I was more than ready and actually didn't think anyone had a chance against me. I was arrogant from all my battles in Kirkwall and didn't really think that it was foolish to allow myself to think that I was powerful after so long without a great fight. A week of preparation didn't make up for the weeks of just fighting rogue bandits who didn't know the pointed end of a dagger. Talna filled me in on all of the fighters that I would have to defeat but none of them sounded too bad.

"In her first Provings, Sarka of Unknown origins, is fighting on behalf of the Faern House. Her first match with be against Dag Kilal of the Twin Swords who is fighting on behalf of the Kilal House; this is his third Proving. Begin!" the announcer shouts as the other man, a Dwarf with pitch hair, draws his blades to threaten me.

His lips curl in a sneering smirk when I don't draw my blade that is almost as tall as I am. "Too afraid to draw your blade? I bet you can't even pull it from your back!" he mocks and had I been in any other state of mind I would have laughed at him. Too bad for him I wasn't doing well at controlling my emotions and I felt the Berserker banging on the cage of my self control to get out.

I hold back as he charges and I feel the creature inside rip through. My silver eyes raised and he hesitated slightly when he saw the burning behind them. My insides clenched and I growled as my hand reached for my sword and soon I was throwing him to the side a bloody mess. Most of the fights went like this until the last one. It was a woman whose name I hadn't caught seeing as I was so messed up on my Berserker high.

She was beautiful though and very deadly. Our battle was probably the most interesting thing that crowd had ever seen. She was a two-handed sword wielder as well and our styles were completely different. She used so much grace and beauty while I had learned to fight in situations that called for more adjusted techniques. She was to the book on her style and fighting but I'm pretty sure that was what destroyed her in the end; she couldn't handle my adaptations of techniques and I have to admit I started to fight pretty nasty near the end when my Berserker rage started to wear off and I grew tired.

In the end though, I won by being the one to know how to take a hit. Her endurance was good but she hadn't had to fight a creature like Meredith or the Arishok. If she had had to learn to adapt to changes and real danger then she probably would have beaten me. In the end, I had more skill and more years under my belt than she did but I would have liked to fight with her again. We became friends after the Provings and I trained with her often; she learned quickly but that is beside the point of this story.

After I had won, I walked out of the battle arena to see the men that represented the House I had just fought for standing beside a lovely woman. She had long auburn hair that fell in a thick braid down her back and her eyes were the most beautiful golden honey color I had ever seen. Needless to say, I was struck speechless by this vision of beauty. Hey, I'm an open person! I can find women beautiful and irresistible if I want! It doesn't mean I would go behind my lover's back and sleep with her though!

Anyways, I stepped up to her and saw the peace on her face but also saw the hidden Berserker inside those lovely shaded eyes. She offered a hand and I shook it feeling the strength behind the grip. This was the woman I had been looking for this whole time; I had finally found her after almost three months in the underground city. "Hello, Sarka, it is nice to finally get to meet you," she said in a tone that slipped like honey down my skin. She was so beautiful but the spark behind her eyes warned me to keep alert around her; she was dangerous.

"I have waited a long time to meet you," I state returning the strong handshake.

She chuckles and it sounds like music. "I know you have and I have watched you for a long time," she admits making my eyes widen in shock. "You think I would let some random Berserker into my city and not follow her about? You are smarter than that, Sarka. But come, we must talk in private at my estate. Thank you, friend, for allowing me to take her." She is looking at my House and they bow as she escorts me out of the Provings to her estate.

We keep silent until we reach her bedroom where she turns on me with a smirk that seems far too familiar to me. "Come now, tell me who you really are!" she demands in a nice kind of way. I stare at her for a few moments but shake my head with a laugh. "You can't just be someone who walks in here without a name or title! You're fighting style is too refined for that!"

"You are correct, friend. I am Lillian Hawke and I was the Champion of Kirkwall a good many months ago," I explain watching her eyes go from shock to excitement. "I found out I was a Berserker a while before I fought Meredith and released the Circle but after the last betrayal I found there was no control-"

"Shush now, Hawke. I know your pain because I've lived through it," she cuts me off seeming to be a little distant for the moment. "Do you know who I am?" I stare at her shocked for a moment but shake my head. She sighs deeply running a hand over her forehead. "It figures, if you knew who I was, you would not be so inclined to accept my help."

I stare at her oddly and feel a little suspicious of her for a second but then relax. "Come on, whatever you did in the past means nothing to me," I state knowing that I am not one to talk of past mistakes.

"It's not what I did in the past that you should worry about…it's who," she gets an evil kind of smirk and I stare at her oddly before she chuckles. "My name is Bianca."

* * *

><p><em>You're the heat in my bones,<em>  
><em>But you break me with stones.<em>  
><em>You're the heat in my bones,<em>  
><em>But you break me with stones<em>  
><em>If a plane crashed into my room<em>  
><em>I wouldn't even flinch,<em>  
><em>I couldn't try to move.<em>  
><em>My mind is on you,<em>  
><em>my mind is on you.<em>

~ Ellie Goulding "Little Dream"


	9. Chapter 9

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Cursing, Violence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

* * *

><p><em>Oh, why you look so sad?<br>Tears are in your eyes.  
>Come on and come to me now,<br>Don't be ashamed to cry.  
>Let me see you through,<br>'Cause I've seen the dark side too._

_When the night falls on you._  
><em>You don't know what to do.<em>  
><em>Nothin' you confess, could make me love you less.<em>

~ The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You"

* * *

><p>"You met Bianca?" I ask skeptically staring at her as she laughs. The sound is like magic and tingles across my brain making me think she might have inherited a bit more from her father than she let on. Her smile is equally as effective as she looks at me with that expression, which always makes me think she knows more than she should. "What?"<p>

"I did meet the infamous Bianca!" she states though I can tell there is something else that's dying to get out of her brain. "So you go for the beautiful dangerous women, huh?" Her comment is followed by a bought of laughter that warms my bones as if I were sitting in front of a fire. She is her old self again and I can hardly believe it. If I hadn't felt her lips on my own and her curious tongue exploring my mouth I probably wouldn't be so sure about it. Then again, the dreams I had had for the past year felt so real sometimes. Anyways, that was a different story for a different time.

I shake my head but I can feel the heat creeping up my neck. "Yeah, so what?" I ask jokingly. She leans forward and gets close to my face; I can feel the warmth of her breath and I inch back feeling intimidated by her proximity.

"Which one of us was better?" she asks and I suddenly feel like a cornered animal. Such a loaded question and she sees my discomfort answering with a small chuckle. "Just kidding, she was your first love…among other things! I know I will never be able to compare with her!" She adds a bit of drama to her voice and I roll my eyes before returning to her serious expression. "She sends her regards."

I smile slightly with a quiet thanks before asking the dreaded question. "Did she tell you?"

"Of course she did," she answers as if it is the most obvious thing in the world. "Why wouldn't she? She never promised not to tell the story!" She knows full well that I was promised to silence on that one story and that the fact that she was able to go straight to the source was unfair, to say the least. Hawke's eyes soften gently as she touches my hand. "I thought she was dead, Varric. You should have told me she was at least alive," she whispers tenderly.

"What so you could go out and find her to beat the story out of her?" I ask teasingly getting a healthy laugh from the girl. I had to admit that I hadn't really wanted her to find out about Bianca but now that she had I felt a bit better about it. At least, she now knew everything about me.

She thinks about it for a few moments with her right leg crossed over the left. "If I fought her now I think I could win but back then…there was no way," she comments though I knew that Bianca had become one of the most talented Berserkers that Orzammar had ever cultivated. She had just become a Berserker when I left her so many years ago. I had heard stories of her though; it didn't surprise me that the two women had gotten along so well when they had met. They were much the same and it was obvious that I saw a lot of Bianca in Hawke and now, it was the other way around as well.

"Well, you going to continue?" I ask wanting to get away from this topic as quickly as possible.

"Of course, of course," she waves her hand and continues.

* * *

><p><em>I'll stand by you, <em>  
><em>I'll stand by you.<em>  
><em>Won't let nobody hurt you<em>  
><em>I'll stand by you.<em>

~ The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You"

* * *

><p>"Bianca? Really?" I say, obviously very shocked. She nods her head and I laugh heartily at the irony of this situation. Who would have thought that the ex-lover of my lover would end up being the person I sought out as a tutor? Oh my but did the Maker have a funny sense of humor. "I always figured you died in some freak story telling accident!"<p>

She chuckles lightly. "I guess Varric did keep up his end of the bargain!" she muses and I smirk. "I never thought he had it in him!"

"Yeah, he hasn't told a soul!" I confirm as she shakes her head in disbelief. "I'd really like to know the truth." It just kind of slipped out without me catching it and she looks at me with those beautiful eyes that pinned me to the spot. What was it with Varric and weird eye colors?

She shrugs slightly after a bit of thought. "I never promised Varric anything so I guess I can tell it just this once," she decides sitting down in a chair and gesturing to the other one. "You can sit down if you'd like." I do as she suggests and lean my elbow on the table to listen intently. "I was born into a middle-lower caste family and Varric was born into a noble caste. We weren't really close until I entered the Provings where he saw me fight for the first time. I'm not sure why he took a liking to me but I guess he was tired of all the noblewomen who couldn't do anything." Hm, that sounded familiar. "So he started to court me but of course it wasn't like he got first pick of the batch seeing as he was a younger brother. So his older brother…what was his name?"

"Bartrand."

"Ah yes, he took a liking to me after his brother did," she says making me wince. No wonder Varric and his brother didn't get along very well. "Yeah, he was adamant that I be with him so he went behind Varric's back and rigged the Provings so that I would have a better chance of winning. When he told me, he expected that I would be thankful for the 'help' but-"

I nod my head in understanding when she trails off. "Who would be happy for someone destroying the chance for a challenge," I fill in for her.

She went on to explain that she had told Bartrand such and he left her alone. She kept her mouth shut about the incident because she knew that if she were to expose the older brother then the younger one would suffer as well. She was already in love with Varric by that point and as their relationship grew so did their want to get married. Sadly, Varric's mother didn't like Bianca because of the fact that she was so low in the caste system. Varric didn't care, obviously, and was ready to throw himself out of his family's good graces to be with her.

Before he could do such though, Bianca won the whole Provings for the first time. This bumped her status up considerably and then Varric's mother was more than happy with her second son marrying this woman. About this same time, another suitor came forward to claim the woman's hand. He was a much higher caste than Varric and her family urged her to marry the wealthier man but she wanted Varric so she declined the other suitor.

Two weeks before their wedding, Bartrand's little mishap was exposed and their house was knocked down from the nobles. They were banished to the surface because of their disgrace. Before Varric left though he convinced his lover to marry the wealthy man; she would have an easier time that way. She wanted to go with him but he wouldn't allow that to happen. She had too much potential to waste it on him and even though she hated it…he was right.

"Against my better judgment, I went with the plan. I married the wealthy man, whom I happen to still be married to, and he moved to Kirkwall in search of something his brother thought would regain their status back," she finishes staring at the wall as if it had all the answers.

"Do you like the man you're married to?" I ask hesitantly but she just smiles.

"Oh yes," she smiles. "He's sweet, loving and a very good father to the kids but…I still miss Varric and the excitement we had down in the Deep Roads when we were young and rambunctious. I miss swinging a sword around as freely as I used to." I smile sadly at her look of wistful sadness. "But, now I have a student! The boys have been wanting me to teach them to fight so I might as well teach you as I teach them!"

Training with a couple of ten year olds? Great.

Come to find out, the kids weren't that bad. They had been training with their father for a long time but their mother refused to fight with them until they were old enough to at least survive by their selves. Insult to her husband? Probably but I wasn't dwelling on it. I didn't have any time to dwell on it with Bianca on my ass 24/7. She beat the shit out of me every day both mentally and physically.

I think the mental frustration was the worst part about it. "You have to overcome all of the emotions plaguing your mind for you to be able to control being a Berserker," she said one day when we were out on the surface so that I could get some fresh air. Staying underground had done a lot of damage to my dusty skin, which was now a sickly pale color and Bianca had convinced her husband to let us go up above. She wasn't like most of the Dwarven kind; she had been above plenty of times and even though she liked it, she preferred the underground.

"That means that you have to come to terms with everything that makes you angry, sad, or happy," she continues making my heart clench. "Let's start with what makes you happy; this is the easy part. What makes you so happy that tears spring into your eyes."

I stare down at the ground and think back to a time when I was actually happy. The image of my entire team sitting at a table in the Hanged Man pops into my head. Before all of the betrayal and hurt, I had been so happy to have a pint with my friends and laugh about how broody Fenris was or when Isabella would try to make him flush with her disgusting talk. I feel a faint smile creep across my lips. "My friends before…everything," I whisper watching the woman look at me. "I haven't been happy in a long time. There's only one thing that would make me happy."

"What is that?" she asks softly but I can tell she knows the answer.

I look up at the lightly powdered landscape. "I want to lie around in bed with Varric. I want a day where we can just lazy around in our bedroom; we can make love at leisure or just cuddle under the blankets; and I want to be able to kiss him without worrying about who is about to kill me," I mutter thinking about a day when I wouldn't have to hide or try to slink around. "Varric is the only thing that makes me happy."

"Good," she states after a few moments of silence. "Then we will keep that in mind as our goal in the end. A nice, lazy day lounging with Varric in a bed. Now, let's go on to what makes you sad and angry."

I feel the emotions rush forth at the thought of everything that happened in Kirkwall. I can still see Fenris' green eyes full of hurt when I side with the mages and I can see the acceptance in Anders' eyes when he thought I was going to take his life in one of my bouts of rage. I could feel the anger bubble forth as I thought about the note Isabella left me to tell me she was going away with the relic. I could see the Arishok's golden eyes staring up at me as I sliced through his neck. I could see the cloudy eyes of my mother as I held her while she told me that she was proud of me; I could see the spark go out. Tears boiled over and I felt my insides crumbling around me. "I-I didn't want to kill him and I-I wanted her to be protected and yet I failed," I wail loudly pressing the heels of my palms into my eyes. "I wanted to save the Arishok just as much as my mother! I couldn't protect the one warrior I respected above all and the one woman I loved more than my own life! I killed both of them!"

* * *

><p><em>So, if you're mad, get mad!<em>  
><em>Don't hold it all inside.<em>  
><em>Come on and talk to me now.<em>

_Hey, what you got to hide?_  
><em>I get angry too.<em>  
><em>Well I'm a lot like you.<em>

~ The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You"

* * *

><p>I scream and curse at myself for a long time letting the emotions finally cascade out of my body and into the mind of my new teacher. She listened to every word; every incoherent and inaudible word that came out of my mouth. Not a word was spared by her until I finally wore myself out and slumped forward. My emotions were drained from my body completely and even though it felt good…it felt…empty inside.<p>

"You've released all of your pent up emotions and it feels good, right?" she asks and I nod my head. I hadn't realized how many emotions I had held in for the past couple of years but now I feel as if I can actually function in normal life. "Good, now let's talk about those experiences. Even though you don't want to relive them it's good to get them off of your chest and onto someone else's."

So we did. She listened to every one of my sad, pathetic tales up until the very end where I was denied the one woman's head that I had wanted to kill. She was the only person I had wanted to kill throughout the entire journey and even that was denied of me. I think this was the last straw that broke my back; I had wanted to take out that frustration and anger out on that women but instead I got a scar for it and that was all. I undo the loose shirt over my chest and show the scar that goes from the hallow of my throat straight down the valley between my breasts to my bellybutton. I could still feel the searing pain as lyrium heat lanced through my body threatening to overtake my heart.

We did this along with training every day for the next couple of months. I would relive my past pains until the ache was a dull throb that I could handle it. It actually worked and soon I was laughing about happy moments just as much as crying about the losses that I had aquired through the years. I found that I missed Fenris' moody spells where he would drink and spill his guts to me; I missed Anders and his passion about fighting for mages; I missed Merril who would go on about nothing and everything at the same time; I missed Aveline's conversations about her husband and how they were thinking about having children after everything was settled; I missed Isabella's sexual innuendos; I missed Bethany's talks of times in Lothering; but most of all…I missed Varric. I missed his musky smell and the way his large, calloused hands felt across my skin. I missed the way his eyes would glimmer when I ran my hands through his hair. I missed his kisses and his laughter and his sense of humor and the way he could always make me feel better without meaning to.

I just missed him, desperately.

The months dragged on until I had been in Orzammar a total of half a year but by then, I had mastered my other side. Bianca was shocked because it had taken her a decade to fully understand being a Berserker and that was with a teacher as well. I shrugged when she said this and answered that I had always been a faster learner. "It's time for you to go, isn't it?" she asks one day when she sees that my minimal things are packed up.

"I have to find Varric," I say as my way of explanation smiling at her. She knew that this day was coming and after she had nothing else to teach me…I would need to leave. "I have to find him and apologize for all of this shit I put him through."

"Yes, I know," she chuckles lightly walking over to place something in my hand. I look down to see a beautifully drawn map of Thedas and surrounding countries. "This will help you in your quest to find your lover. Where will you look first?"

* * *

><p><em>When you're standing at the crossroads,<em>  
><em>And don't know which path to choose,<em>  
><em>Let me come along,<em>  
><em>'Cause even if you're wrong.<em>

_I'll stand by you, _  
><em>I'll stand by you.<em>  
><em>Won't let nobody hurt you,<em>  
><em>I'll stand by you.<em>

~ The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You"

* * *

><p>I hadn't really thought about it but Denerim seemed like the perfect place to start. It was a very large city and I could use the King to ask for directions or if he had seen Varric around anywhere. He had seen the Dwarf when he had come to Kirkwall so maybe he would have heard of a Dwarf wandering around telling stories. It was worth a try and while on my way I could pick up information about how things were going in Kirkwall.<p>

I said my good-byes to the woman and departed from Orzammar after catching up with Talna who gave me a small thing of ale to keep me going on my journeys. "May you have great luck, my friend. You are always welcome back here anytime you wish to return," she said and I gave the woman a tight hug. We had kept in touch when I had moved into Hightown and to get some frustration out I had helped the Dusters whenever they had problems. Bianca had thought it a great idea to help clean up the lower towns of her city and it was looking pretty good from what I could tell as I walked away.

I made my way to Denerim from Orzammar, which was a long ways away but I slowly made my way through the towns asking around about my handsome, blond Dwarf. Most of the smaller towns hadn't heard of him but once I got to the bigger towns people started to take notice and started to tell his story to me but in each town it was different and never fully correct. I was never told to be in love with the Dwarf. It was always the other team members and it made me wonder why Varric would tell this side of the story instead of the truth one. Maybe he was trying to move on? The thought hurt too deeply for me to dwell over.

I made it to Denerim after days of travel and asked to be seen by the King. Of course, there was a hesitation and even when I stated that I knew the King they wouldn't let me in. Sighing, I made my way to the local tavern where I ordered a very hard drink. How was I to find out anything about my lover if I couldn't get an audience with the King? I sat down at one of the tables and started to drink back my ale when a figure sat down in front of me. I looked up to see an elf sitting there smiling at me. "Uh…hi," I say wondering why this random elf would just sit down with me.

"Hello, Champion," she states in a voice that is soft as silk but full of mirth and age. I jump at the title but she chuckles brightly pushing over another mug of ale. "You look like you need another."

"How do you know me?" I whisper as she downs her own drink and gestures for another one. She turns her beautiful crystalline blue eyes on me and I feel as if every person I meet has the strangest eyes I've ever seen. Not to mention she had snow white hair that was long enough to push back behind her pointed ears but cut short in the back. Her skin was a pretty olive color and I could see the fairest hints at tattoos on her high, sharp cheekbones.

She smirks as she gets another mug and starts sipping at that one. "It's not hard to recognize a hero with beautiful chestnut hair and eyes so silver they make dragon scales jealous," she quotes making me perk up. "Yes, your Dwarf has been through here. Not too long ago actually. He passed by not but a few days before your arrival."

"Did he say where he was going?" I ask frantically but she holds up her slender, delicate-looking hand.

"He did," she states easily as her blue eyes sparkle dangerously. "He hopped a boat to Antiva not too long ago." Antiva? Why would he go there? "He said he had to spread the story and keep moving so we helped him find passage to Antiva. If we had known you would be here looking for him…we would have locked him up."

"We?" I ask skeptically as she chuckles.

"Me and the King Alistair," she says calmly and I stare at her oddly. "You really don't know who I am, do you?" Her eyes glimmer with a kind of elfish mischief that I must be completely dumb to. She looks down at her pants and shirt and shrugs. "I'm not in my armor so I guess it's a little harder to place me than normal."

"I'm still afraid I don't follow," I say feeling a bit stupid for not being able to place this woman.

"My name is Korashk but most call me Kora or Hero," she states easily and if I had felt stupid earlier I felt like a downright moron now! How had I not noticed that this woman was the Hero of Ferelden? "It's alright, I'm not as noticeable as you are."

"Stop trying to make me feel better," I chuckle and hear her let out a small laugh of her own. "So why are you here?"

She smirks and sets her second empty mug down before relaxing back. "I caught one of the guards after he told another person that Alistair couldn't be bothered and when he told me of the person who had been asking…I had to come see her for myself," she says folding her hands across her flat stomach. "When he said you had silver eyes…I thought to myself, 'hm…no way can the Champion be this far from home!' but here you are! Imagine my surprise! I've been waiting a long time to see you!"

I feel flattered at the fact that the Hero I had only heard stories about, the woman that had ended the Arch Demon and lived to tell the tale, had wanted to meet me! I feel myself flush lightly; she was my hero. She was the one that I had always looked up to and here she was telling me that she was excited to meet me! "Well…I-ah…me too," I say finally. My tongue felt too big and stupid to speak proper English.

She laughs brightly throwing her head back to enjoy her moment. "Though, I heard you came from Lothering, is that correct?" she asks staring into her empty mug as she waves over for another one.

"Yes, that was my home before Kirkwall," I confirm watching the sadness flit across her face.

"I visited Lothering right after the battle of Ostagar but…" she shakes her head and takes the mug offered to her. "I'm sorry I couldn't get rid of the Blight quick enough to save your home."

Her apology shocks me to silence as I look at how genuinely sorry she is for not saving one small, rundown refugee town in all of Thedas. "Kora, you don't have to be sorry for Lothering!" I laugh softly reaching over to pat her hand. "In the end, I ended up with more knowledge and experience under my belt. I became stronger in the long run from that initial trifle. Don't be sorry. You did all you could and I feel no hate for you not saving Lothering. It was war. There were going to be casualties."

She sighs deeply as if I have taken a heavy weight from her shoulders. "Thank you, the destruction of such a heavily populated town has been on my mind ever since I was too late to save it," she states honestly and I smile gently. "I can get you an audience with the King, Champion-"

"Call me Lillian," I interrupt.

"Lillian," she smiles. "He helped me with the Blight…he will see you if I bring you." I can hear the underlying tone that he didn't just help her with the Blight. I had a feeling there was something she didn't want me to know but I kept it to myself. "But, for this favor I must ask one of you as well."

I perk up and tilt my head curiously. What could the Hero of Ferelden want from me? I was just a wanderer now!

"I want you to take me with you."

* * *

><p><em>Take me in, into your darkest hour.<em>  
><em>And I'll never desert you,<em>  
><em>I'll stand by you.<em>

_And when, when the night falls on you, baby,_  
><em>You're feelin' all alone,<em>  
><em>You won't be on your own.<em>

~ The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You"


	10. Chapter 10

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Cursing, Violence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

* * *

><p><em>Don't know much about your life.<br>Don't know much about your world, but  
>Don't want to be alone tonight,<br>On this planet they call earth._

~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"

* * *

><p>"What? Why would you want to go with me?" I ask utterly shocked by her request. I had thought something like helping kill off a few rogue darkspawn but this? How could I take a Hero from her home, the home that depended on her? Then again, how could I take a town's Champion away?<p>

She shrugs slightly staring out the window of the tavern. "I need a change of scenery and plus, I have a friend I am desperate to see in Antiva. I haven't seen him in a long time and I feel like I'm ready to answer a question he asked a long time ago. I can't be mad at him forever," she whispers but I can feel there are words unspoken under her soft tone. "Besides, I need to get away from this place. It's suffocating. What do you say?"

What did I say? To have my Hero travel with me for a while? Oh my Maker it was like a dream come true! "Yes, of course!" I say happily watching her laugh at how eager I was.

"Very well then, we should go see Alistair so that he can get the arrangements ready for us," she comments easily as she stands up. "He'll be so thrilled." Her voice was thin when she said this and I could tell that this was going to be awkward. But...she needed this break more than when I had left Kirkwall.

We made our way back to the castle and I smirked at the guard that hadn't let me through the first time. He grew pale and skittered away quickly. It was nice to be able to instill fear inside people's hearts even this far from home. "Alistair," I hear my companion call out as we walk into the man's bed chambers. I felt like this was a bit inappropriate but when the King turns and sees the woman his face brightens. I can't say the same for Kora who seems to have sealed herself away from something. "I believe you've met Lillian Hawke before."

He turns his face away from the woman that had taken up all of his attention a second ago and he smiles at me. "Welcome, to Ferelden! They had said you disappeared! I never would have believed that you would be here in my chambers!" he comments holding out his hand so that I can shake it. "What brings you here?"

"I was looking for my Dwarven friend, Varric, and Kora here says that she knows where he went," I explain watching as realization sparks across the man's face.

"We need a ship to Antiva, Alistair," Kora states finally after a bit of silence. The air is tense when Alistair looks at the woman to his side. She is standing with her feet apart and she is obviously ready for anything.

"We?" Alistair asks innocently. He knew what 'we' meant.

"Yes, I'm going with her," she answers calmly but I can see that this decision is a hard one to make. Then it clicks.

She loves him. I could see it written all across her face. And he loved her. They were in love sometime before Alistair became King but…everyone knew that an Elf, especially a City Elf, could not marry a King. Their tryst was between them but the rumors had been there. I had never thought they were true. A King lying with an Elf? It made my heart clench for the woman. How had she stayed here so long with this constant reminder that she could not have him? I looked at the man's hand and saw the wedding ring there. He had a wife as well! Why would she torture herself like this?

"You can't go!" Alistair nearly cries. "I need you here!"

"Stop fooling yourself, Alistair. You haven't needed me since I destroyed the Arch Demon," she states icily making my spine snap to attention at how hard the words were. They hit home too. The man's face contorted with sadness as the woman he loved started to slip away from him physically as she had already done, mentally and emotionally before.

He steels himself. "Are you going to find Zevran?" he asks and I can tell that this was not someone Alistair enjoyed. Zevran…where had I heard that name before?

She crosses her arms over her chest and stands up to him. "And what if I am?" she demands quirking a fine eyebrow at the man. "He writes to me about his endeavors and I need to get out of this place. I can't stand this life, Alistair! My hand itches to swing a sword again! I need to be fighting and defending! I can't stay in this cushy life of an honored guest! Besides, we both know this is killing the both of us; let's not lie anymore Alistair. You know that this isn't going to fix itself so I'm taking the first step."

I feel as if I am intruding on something personal but Alistair can see the woman's logic and sighs deeply. "You're right," he whispers even though it is killing him inside. "How long will you be gone?"

"As long as it takes," she whispers gently before turning away from him. "Come, Lillian, you can help me pack."

We walk out of the tension soaked room and start down the hall. We don't go far before she is pulling open a door and allows me inside. Even before she sits down I can tell that the tears are flowing from her eyes, down her cheeks, and onto her chest. I sit down on a chair and wait for her to say something. I know her pain and I want to help her but I can see that she is not a Berserker. Instead, she seemed to favor the duel weapon technique, judging by the weapons set to the wall near her armor cabinet.

* * *

><p><em>You don't know about my past, and<em>  
><em>I don't have a future figured out.<em>  
><em>And maybe this is going too fast.<em>  
><em>And maybe it's not meant to last,<em>

~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"

* * *

><p>"I knew that Alistair and I could never be together," she whispers after a long time of silent crying. "From the first time I saw him, I knew two things: One, I would fall in love with him; and two, he would crush my heart. I don't know how I knew but I did and I still fell into the trap. Perhaps, I thought I was wrong or just exaggerating things. Maybe, I thought a City Elf had a chance of being by his side no matter what. Maybe I thought he would give up his crown to be with me…" she stops and I can see the pain in her eyes as she stares at the floor.<p>

"I had to let him go, though. As a Grey Warden…I must do what is right for my country and he had to be King…I encouraged him…I made him take that crown even though I would have to see him marry some other woman and have children with her," she sounds bitter but at the same time I could tell she had come to terms with this pain. "You know…I was supposed to die fighting that Arch Demon?" Her words hit me hard and I stare at her, shocked and confused. "The Grey Warden to kill the Demon has to take the taint into their heart and I was supposed to die along with the Demon. That was what I was counting on."

I shiver at the tone of her voice. "How did you survive?" I ask slowly.

She clenches her fists. "One of my mages…she gave me a proposition before the final battle. She said she could save my life if I let Alistair sleep with her and sire a child," she stops my words from forming with a hand. "If she had the Grey Warden's child inside of her then the taint would automatically go to that child and…I don't know…she didn't explain to me what would happen! Something about a God on Earth but I didn't let it go any further than that. I had accepted my fate. I gently told her no and went on way."

I saw the anger in her eyes as she looked up. "My dear friend, Zevran, he heard the entire thing and went to Alistair to ask for me. Alistair, of course, said yes to save my life and went through with the ritual without my knowledge," she growls out running through the memories in her mind. "When I slew that Demon, I waited for the peace of death. No more painful feeling in my chest; no more loving a man that would never be allowed to love me back; and no more fighting for other people. Too bad it never came and I woke up three days later in a bed in the castle.

"Zevran was there waiting for me to wake up so he could explain himself. He confessed that he had feelings for me and wanted to give me a second chance. He invited me to Antiva to live with him; get away from this town of fools, he said. I was so furious at him for going behind my back that I lashed out at him and now…I need to find him," she mumbles rubbing her forehead harshly. "I said some terrible things that I didn't mean. I want to see if I can't love Zevran because for a while I thought I might be able to but…Maker, I fucked up."

I smile slightly and move to sit next to her. "We'll find him, Kora. I will help you get over this as best I can," I tell her trying to find the confidence that I need to convince her. Love, was a terrible thing to break but…she needed a new start.

She smiles and leans into my arms comforted by the warmth I provide. "I thought having a Hero that was an Elf would help to end the prejudice…it hasn't helped a bit," she sighs going completely limp in my arms. I feel a sudden surge of relief that the Hero was just as human as the rest of us; she felt and had spells of weakness just like I did.

"It's okay, we'll just travel," I whisper rocking her back and forth to comfort her.

We were on a ship within the week and I could tell that the further we got from the shores of Ferelden the more comfortable the woman became. I couldn't imagine what this woman must have gone through to save these people and they repaid her by making her love forbidden. I could relate to her…a lot, actually. She wasn't one to complain though and I smiled as we sailed across the sea. This trip was a little better seeing as I wasn't, one, running from the Blight and, two, I wasn't leaving my lover behind. Actually, I was going to find him. With my hero at my side.

The trip to Antiva wasn't as long as I thought and when we hit the shores I kind of regretted coming to this place. It reeked of industry with the scent of wet leather and dried garbage mixed together in a melody that made me scrunch my nose. "You think this is bad? You should try living in Denerim's Alienage for a day," my companion comments as she starts off down the street towards the Inn.

We get a room and start to ask around about the man she was looking for. She knew his exact description and he wasn't hard to track down though when we did…there was conflict. I wasn't used to running into trouble like this anymore; sure, in Kirkwall I had come into trouble every time I walked down the street but now I was in a different place and to actually use my sword on the street I felt…at home.

Come to find out…he was in jail.

"Great," my companion scoffs as she wipes the blood from her face as she pulls her swords from the man's chest. I'm sure she would have spared him had he not mentioned that he was going to enjoy watching Zevran's head roll. Well, she was well-tempered but…not in the light of that comment. "What have you gotten yourself into this time, Zev?"

* * *

><p><em>But what do you say to taking chances,<em>  
><em>What do you say to jumping off the edge?<em>  
><em>Never knowing if there's solid ground below,<em>  
><em>Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,<em>  
><em>What do you say,<em>  
><em>What do you say?<em>

~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"

* * *

><p>What was worse was the fact that he was in a Crow dungeon, which made it that much harder to get to him. Supposedly, these Crows were something to be afraid of…well, neither of us seemed all that intimidated. We had both fought Crows before and it didn't scare us to take down a few more. The dungeon wasn't hard to find seeing as we both knew the signs of the Crows and all that was left was to cut our way through the guards in our way to Zevran. We were a mad sort of team that took down all of the men without much trouble; they had no clue what was coming and the fact that every one of them underestimated us made it all that much easier.<p>

I wish I could have seen the way we fought because it was probably like two mad, skilled Demons following the moves of the other. Her style reminded me a lot of Isabella and later on I would find out that she had actually met up with the duelist her trails. I had forgotten that Isabella had told me about meeting Kora. That must be were she became so wicked with a double pair of swords. I don't mean daggers either! She wields two short swords like they were nothing! It was amazing to watch!

Anyways, we cut our way through the guards and when we finally get to the dungeon we find it empty. "What?" I hear my companion whisper seeing the trail of blood that lead from the cage door to the stairs that lead up to the other side of the house. "Come on!"

We rush up the stairs and when I expect to see a dead elf I find instead half a dozen Crows, dead, on the floor littering our path. Up ahead, cutting off the head of the leader, was the Antivan we came to look for. He was a tall, lean cut of man with blond hair that reached down to just above his neck. He was wearing leather armor and was a two weapon user as well though he preferred a dagger and a sword instead of the two swords of his ex-comrade.

"Zevran?" Kora asks softly causing him to turn his full body.

Oh that's where I'd heard that name! I saved this guy from those Crows hunting him down in Kirkwall! I had totally forgotten about him being a Crow in the past. He had the same beautiful eyes that sparkled a deep, murky brown and his face was so angular and chiseled that I couldn't help but be attracted to him. If he had white hair he might remind me of Fenris except for this man was way happier and smiled a lot.

"Kora? What are you doing-oomph!" he gasps when he is tackled head on by the worried sick female. I'm not sure how he keeps from toppling over but I am presently surprised at his strength as he wraps his arms around her body. "Well, it is good to see you as well!" His accent is thicker than I remember it being and his laugh was musical as he buried his face in her white hair. I saw the secretive smile that crossed those lips and I ached for a time when I would be able to fold myself into my lover's arms.

"I thought you were dead, you ass!" she shouts smacking him across the chest playfully. He laughs with her and ruffles her hair to kiss her forehead. She flushes softly at the gesture just as he turns his eyes to me.

"Champion? I had not expected to see you here!" he laughs still keeping a tight arm around the woman's shoulders. She doesn't seem to object and actually leans into his comforting embrace. Oh…how I wanted that.

"It's been a long time since I saved your ass," I smile brightly trying to hide the pain that soaks through my aching heart. I would cry later.

"You two know each other?" Kora questions looking between the two of us.

"It was a fleeting meeting, I assure you," he states making it quite clear that we hadn't had anything other than a friendly rescue. Kora gives the man a very skeptical look but shrugs and pulls away. "Now, why, are you away from the sweet King? I had assumed he would never rule a paper bag without the help of his precious Hero!" His words are playful but I can feel the bite underneath that makes it very clear what he thinks of Alistair.

I watch her smile softly before she rubs her arm. "I was hoping…" she trails off and Zevran smiles gently before he strokes her cheek.

"My offer still stands, Kora," he confirms and I can see that she is relieved. Had she really thought he wouldn't allow her to come back? She wraps her arms around his neck hugging him tightly as if she were afraid that he would disappear if she let go. "I missed you." I can barely hear the words and I feel like I am intruding in their moment just as they pull away. "I saw your mage not too long ago, Champion," he finally says to me as he looks over with his honey eyes.

I jerk to attention. "Anders?" I ask knowing that Merril was with her family at this moment. She wouldn't leave to travel to Antiva.

"Yes, that was his name, and he was looking for you," he adds tapping his chin. "I think he said that he was staying at that nasty Inn across town." I can't help but find that ironic. That was the same nasty Inn we were staying at. How had I missed him?

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Kora asks dragging the man by the arm out of the mess of bodies to the Inn that we were staying at.

We got there in just enough time to hear the explosion that rocked the ground we stood on; my insides curled when I heard the familiar scream that belonged to my long lost friend. I rushed to the burning building and plunged into the heat. It was so fierce and intimidating that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to stand it for as long as it would take to get my friend out. "Anders!" I scream through the roaring fire that yells in my ears and makes my skin sweat. I need to find my friend. "Anders, it's-"

"Hawke!" I hear his voice and dart towards the sound crashing through hot wood and iron to get to where I could see the man surrounded by fire. He was wounded and bleeding from his side but I could tell from there that it wasn't mortal. As I watched him, I could see that he was healing the wound already. "Get out of here! I can get out with my ice magic!"

* * *

><p><em>I just want to start again,<em>  
><em>And maybe you could show me how to try,<em>  
><em>And maybe you could take me in,<em>  
><em>Somewhere underneath your skin?<em>

~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"

* * *

><p>I wasn't listening to his words as they were spoken. Instead, I was pushing through the flames to get to where he was sitting. He was screaming something but I was too busy ignoring him to jump over the barrier of flames that barred my way. I reached out to touch his shoulder just when I heard the creaking above my head. I looked up in just enough time to see the wood cracking and starting to fall towards us as if it were in slow motion. I covered the man's body with my own just as he raised his staff to create a shield around us. The wood and fire scatter around the dome as I cling to the man's neck as I feel the pulsations of Justice working through him. I could feel his cool heat making my skin prickle as one arm wrapped under my body to haul me up with strength you couldn't see on Anders.<p>

His eyes glowed a crystalline blue that pierced my soul as Justice looked up at me. I could feel his scrutiny but he knew that if he left me here to die then Anders would never forgive him. Instead, he carried me with the shield staying stationed over us as we moved. It helped to clear the way but as the shield started to weaken I jumped down from his grasp to hack away at the wood until we broke free and came into clean air. I coughed out the smoke that clogged my lungs and airway as the man did the same his hand still on my back.

He straightened up to sit me down. "You've inhaled too much smoke," he comments coming down from his Justice-induced high so that he could pull the smoke right from my lungs. It was a strange feeling to have the cough drawn right from my lungs into his hands. I took a deep breath that wasn't plagued with the dry taste of smoke and smiled at the man. "I thought you were a goner for sure," he chuckles darkly his cheeks smudged with ash and soot.

"You should know that it takes more than a burning building to get rid of me," I smile just as I feel two familiar arms wrap around my shoulders. His scent is cloaked in smoke but I can smell the woodsy, ginger scent that was uniquely the mage's. I returned the hug and felt comfort in the familiar person. "I missed you too."

Anders backs away and we sit there for a while just staring at each other before I feel the tears prickling my eyes. "What's wrong?" he asks genuinely concerned.

"I'm sorry," I whisper wetly. The tears cascade down my cheeks and he wraps his arms around me again to envelope me in that familiar comfort. "I shouldn't have said those things I did back then."

"Back-" he stops and then realizes why I was crying. "You're still hung up on what happened between us at Kirkwall?"

I sob softly and cling to his still-smoking robes. "I-I threw you around and almost killed you, Anders. I understood why you did it but the betrayal blinded me! I'm sorry! I never meant to hurt you!" I whimper as he pushes me away so that he can look into my face.

"Hawke, I forgave you a long time ago! You know that! We both did things that betrayed our friendship but we understand that what we did was beyond our control. I had to do what I did and you couldn't control yourself," he explains stroking my hair tenderly. "Please, don't beat yourself up about the past. I have no hard feelings towards you and seeing as you jumped into a burning building to save me…I'm guessing you feel the same."

His smile makes my insides relax and I smile gently back at him. "Thanks," I whisper wiping my face. My eyes land on the blood soaking the side of his robe. "Maker, what happened Anders?"

He looks down but shrugs it off. "It's healed," he says as explanation for the wound but I still glare at him until he sighs. "Okay, I was attacked by Crow assassins sent by the Chantry to get rid of me. I don't know how they found me but…obviously they did. They rushed out when I caused the explosion."

"You're good at blowing things up, aren't you?" I joke slightly earning a glare from the man. "Joking, joking, Anders." I hold my hands up to defend myself but he just smiles and leans back to relax.

I yelp when a strong hand cuffs me on the back of my head. I look up to see Kora standing over me looking just slightly pissed…yeah that was sarcasm. "What the hell did you think you were doing?" she snaps placing her hands on her hips. I gave her a small smile to try and make up for it as I shrugged. "Maker, girl! You had me worried sick! You don't just go running into a building fire like that!"

"If Zevran was in there would you have hesitated?" I ask with a calm voice and she opens her mouth to give a retort but thinks better of it. Of course she would. The man standing beside her chuckles and pats the girl on the back.

"You have done much sillier things for those you care about," he comments earning a small punch to the arm. "Including going through a whole headquarters of the Antivan Crows to get to a very unworthy elf!"

She smiles gently and pats him on his shoulder. "It's true."

* * *

><p><em>I just want to start again,<em>  
><em>And maybe you could show me how to try,<em>  
><em>And maybe you could take me in,<em>  
><em>Somewhere underneath your skin?<em>

~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"

* * *

><p>We had to find another place to rest our heads and when I had settled into the new Inn I caught up with Anders. He had been running through the different towns since we separated trying to liberate the mages of each. The fact that he had helped the Champion in Kirkwall with the liberation of the Circle only helped his reputation and he was able to get a lot of the Circles to follow him. I should have been angry that he used me for his mission but…I actually liked to hear that the mages were standing up for themselves.<p>

Sure, my mother had been killed by mages but I now knew that there was no way I could stereotype every mage just because one was fucked up in the head. I listened to his story for a while then he started talking about Kirkwall and how it had been going to Hell since the Chantry had sent their men and women to try and lock away the mages again. Of course, the mages in Kirkwall were strong and very organized now that they had had time to show that they were strong enough to assert themselves.

"They're trying the Tranquil Solution," Anders finally finishes and I feel myself bristle. I knew what this meant. It made me sick because Bethany was still in Kirkwall.

"What is the Tranquil Solution?" Kora asks as she walks in from taking a bath. Her hair was sticking up as she dried it with a towel and I chuckled softly at her. "Shut up."

Anders took the question seriously though. "It's a disgusting tactic that the Chantry wants to use against mages. It basically justifies the turning of mages into Tranquils so that they'll be able to control them better," he explains and I see the expression of disgust on the Hero's face that made me feel a little better. Kora and I had become very close since we had set out on this adventure together. We felt the same about a lot of things and to know that this was another made me feel a bit better.

"That's disgusting," she growls harshly.

"Tell me about it," Anders cries, excited to have another strong supporter. "We should go back to Kirkwall, Hawke."

I winced at those words feeling them creep across my skin in a way that made me want to be physically sick. The memories were still fresh in my mind of a time when I used to be just a lowtown brawler. "I can't," I whisper hoarsely. My throat was dry and I couldn't imagine what I would do once in Kirkwall.

"We have to!" Anders insists urgently. "The mages there won't be able to stop the invasion if we don't help! We can get the team back together-"

"What team, Anders?" I shout slamming the side of my fist into the wall. Everyone stops and looks at me shocked. I realize that I had allowed a bit of my Berserker was slipping out so I reined it in. I ran a hand over my face hiding my eyes, which I was sure were dilated dangerously. "Aveline already has her hands full and she can't do this again. She can't jeopardize her growing family like that. Merril has the duty to take care of her clan in this time of war. Fenris…I don't even know where he is! I haven't even heard about him since I left Kirkwall. Isabella is on a ship somewhere unknown and I have no clue where Varric is! I've been looking everywhere for him but I-I don't know where he is."

"Then let's find them! Aveline will help us and so will Merril and I've heard a rumor that Varric is actually back in Kirkwall," Anders states making me jerk my head to look at him. I glare dangerously moving forward to stare into his face.

"If you are lying just to get me back to Kirkwall…" I trail off and let him fill in the rest but he looks at me without a lie in his eyes.

He shakes his head. "No, I'm telling the truth," he tells me.

Kora steps forward to place a hand on my shoulder. "Then I guess we're headed to Kirkwall!" she states happily.

"What?" I ask.

"Well, it sounds like you guys could use some help fixing Kirkwall and I'm sure that this will soon leech into Ferelden so it wouldn't hurt for us to help," she shrugs looking at Zevran who nods his head. "Then it's settled! We'll find a ship that's going to Kirkwall!"

We found a ship within the next two days. Zevran said he had a friend that could get us to Kirkwall as soon as they hit port and I was fine with that. It just meant that I could find my lover faster that way. I needed to find him before he left Kirkwall and I missed him. The only reason I had agreed to this was for the chance to find my lover.

The ship arrived right on time and as we walked to the port I saw the huge ship coming closer. Across the side in big beautiful scrawl was the name SEA HAWKE. I stared at the name confused. The bird's name wasn't spelt with an 'E'. "There you are!" I heard a familiar voice call and I looked up to see a very scantily clad pirate female standing on the railing of her boat. "I thought you'd never get here! If we want to stay on schedule, we need to leave!"

"Isabella!" I laugh placing a hand on my forehead. I rush up the plank connecting the ship to the shore to greet the woman with a hug. "I never thought I'd see you again!"

* * *

><p><em>What do you say to taking chances,<em>  
><em>What do you say to jumping off the edge?<em>  
><em>Never knowing if there's solid ground below<em>  
><em>Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,<em>  
><em>What do you say,<em>  
><em>What do you say?<em>

~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"

* * *

><p>She smiles and pulls away to stare into my eyes. "You look so much better! Are you doing something different with your hair?" she asks and I touch the dark tresses to feel how long they were. I guess I hadn't cut my hair in a while. "You look good."<p>

I nodded my head. "I got help with my problems and now I'm ready to find Varric."

"Well, I do have another surprise for you," she says moving to the side as a very familiar elf drops down from the mast. He wasn't wearing his usual leather armor and had instead decided to done a pair of loose, dark breeches and a shirt with the sleeves cut off. His lyrium veins were glowing against his dusty skin and his sharp face was deepened by the shadows playing across his cheekbones. His green eyes seemed brighter and more vivid than I remember them.

"Fenris…" I whisper as he walks over to stand in front of me.

"Hawke," he responds as we stare at each other.

I feel slightly awkward standing in front of the man that I had betrayed by siding with the mages but as I looked into his eyes I saw the forgiveness. "You don't have to help me with this," I say just as his arms wrap around my neck suddenly pulling me into a hug that was more intimate than I would have admitted. I could say that I had never seen this many physically show affection in all of the years that I had known him. The closest thing that I had gotten to a show of affection was a smile and that was so long ago I wasn't sure what it looked like.

I raised my arms to press against his strong back feeling the muscles that he had grown from the work he did on the ship. I felt the comfort just as I had from Anders and squeezed tightly; if I let him go…he would disappear and I would wake up from his vivid, beautiful dream. I would be back in the forests after I had just left Varric. I would be back where I started with the taunting dream that made all of my fantasies come true.

"I want to help you," he says gently pulling away. "I've had my own help since we parted ways and I've come to terms with some things. I will help you…because I need to repay you for everything you did for me."

"You don't have to, Fenris. I will be helping mages and I know that goes against everything you believe," I say seriously watching a very rare smile cross his thin lips.

"No, I have to do this. You're right, I do believe that Circles are there for a reason but…I also know that with you there, there won't be any backlash. You'll make sure the peace is kept and that power will stay neutral," he states seeming more calm than I had ever seen him before. I guess I wasn't the only one out to get some peace of mind.

I smile happily. "Who are you and what have you done with Fenris?" I ask with a brightly laugh earning a light cuff to the head. "Hey now! Just because you're on medication doesn't mean I still can't kick your ass!"

"Yeah, I'd like to see that!" he smirks crossing his arms defiantly. "As long as you've controlled your temper! I don't want to die in a freak Berserker accident!"

"Just worry about not getting yourself beat to a pulp!" I growl playfully.

Our journey, though long, was very calming for me. I hadn't realized how much I had truly missed all of my comrades. I hadn't realized how much I needed them until they were gone and I was on my own. I had needed that time to myself but now I was ready to get everyone back together and do something productive. I missed being a hero as much as it took out of me. I needed to be doing what I loved again. I needed to see the one I loved again.

We made it to the coast within a week and I was glad to see the familiar statues that had been a beacon of hope even through their morbid past. In the past they had instilled fear and hatred but now…I missed their forlorn appearance. To see them greet me to my true home I felt at ease. Sure, I had many trials coming up but…I knew I could face them head on with my group of renegade friends.

When we hit the shore, Aveline was there waiting for us, to my shock. She waited for us to settle the ship to the harbor before storming up the steps. She was the same Aveline I remember seeing the first time on the road through the Wilds years ago. She was a stone wall that could not be moved; a loyal friend that could not be separated; and a woman that looked as if she were going to kill me right there. Her rock hard body plows into mine grabbing me up into an uncharacteristic hug. Her strong arms latched around my neck and pulled me into a heart-breaking (not to mention rib-breaking) hug.

"What took you so long, Hawke? I thought…I thought you had…" her words dissolved into tears that made my insides clench painfully. To make this strong woman cry…I was a bitch. A total and utter bitch, unlike any other. I latched onto her and hugged her desperately. "This town has been all to hell since you left!"

I pulled away after a while and smiled up at the woman whose freckles were aflame with her confession. "I'm sorry I've been gone so long," I whisper wiping the tears from her red face. Her face was like a memory and I couldn't believe I was back in my home standing with almost all of my old friends. I was missing two people and then my life would be so much better. "But I'm here now and I'm going to do what I can to fix this."

* * *

><p><em>And I had my heart beaten down,<em>  
><em>But I always come back for more, yeah.<em>  
><em>There's nothing like love to pull you up,<em>  
><em>When you're laying down on the floor there.<em>  
><em>So talk to me, talk to me,<em>  
><em>Like lovers do.<em>  
><em>Yeah walk with me, walk with me,<em>  
><em>Like lovers do,<em>  
><em>Like lovers do.<em>

~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"

* * *

><p>"You had better!" she nearly shouts in her thick accent. "This town can't survive without you!" I smile at her dramatics and pat her on her shoulder.<p>

"Have…have you heard from Merril or Varric?" I ask softly terrified to hear either or.

She hesitates but continues anyways. "Merril is now the Keeper of the Dalish clan on the mountain…I…have not heard from Varric in a couple of months," her words make my heart ache. At least Merril was around. As long as I could get her help then I could worry about getting information on Varric later. "We'll find him, Hawke." Her eyes turn to the two new faces on the ship who are standing not too far off. "Who are they?"

I smile at her protective instinct but pat her on the back. "Aveline, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Zevran a once Antivan Crow and his companion, Kora the Hero of Ferelden!" I say watching Aveline's face go from shock to embarrassment. She held the Hero just as highly as I did and to see her face contort into shock was hilarious.

"Oh Maker!" she whispers flushing deeply as the woman steps forward to offer a hand. "You have no clue how amazing it is to meet you!" She shakes the warrior's hand and Kora just smiles brightly.

"Nice to meet another fan! I'm here to help your city in any way that I can!" she states and I was pretty sure Aveline had to stop herself from fainting. Aveline didn't need to know that the woman got dragged into this just as the rest of us had.

After some pleasantries, I was escorted back to my estate, which Aveline admitted to closing off for me. She said she knew I would come back eventually so she had it closed off and periodically cleaned so that I would have a nice place to come back to. That's dedication. I knew that I would have to house a couple people so I knew that I would have to go into my mom's room to clean it later.

"I can have someone else clean it," Aveline asks as I stand outside of the door staring at the picture of my mother before she ran off with my father. A lot of the time in Orzammar with Bianca had been getting over my mother's death. I held onto the pain of guilt for far too long even with her dying words scrawled in blood on the back of my eyelids. They constantly ran through my head and the way her body looked haunted my nightmares.

I shake my head. "No," I whisper gently touching the doorknob. "I have to do this."

Later, after I had gone through all of my mother's things I heard the door open. I didn't have to look back to know that it was Fenris. The scent of leather and lyrium was uniquely his. I was sitting on the bed with an envelope in my hand. It had my name written on the back of it in my mother's beautiful handwriting. How long had this sat in this room waiting for me to pick it up off of the pillow?

Fenris padded silently over to settle next to me on the bed, the plush mattress dipping under his weight. I kept staring at the yellowed envelope stroking the letters with my thumb. "Are you going to open it?" he asks after a while of silence. His voice is deep, throaty and comforting to hear so close. Fenris had always known just what to say to make things better for me. He wasn't one to sugar-coat anything and he said things that I needed to hear even if I didn't want to hear them.

I give a small snort at his straightforward words. "I want to," I whisper softly flipping the envelope over to look at the red wax holding the flap closed. Our family crest was stamped into the melted wax but I couldn't bring myself to break it. "I just…I'm afraid of what's inside."

"You? Afraid?" he asks skeptically making me chuckle. "I've seen you take on a Higher Dragon and fifteen dragonlings with only a dagger and a Dwarf and you're afraid of opening a letter?"

I laugh brightly looking up at the forest green eyes that were staring at me. "You've spent way too much time with Varric; you're beginning to exaggerate like him," I whisper but I do feel better nonetheless. My fingers tremble as I pull the wax away and draw the parchment out. I am shocked to see only seven words on the page in her fluid cursive.

_Lillian,_

_I'm proud of you._

_Love,_  
><em>Mother<em>

Even though it's short and sweet the tears still overflow and I feel the sob wrack my body. I lean over with the pain of the guilt leaving my body and I cry for a good long time with Fenris' hand placed gently on my back. This was the extent of his comfort but it was more than enough as I let myself break down. Bianca had always said that you had to breakdown to build back up. Crying wasn't weakness…it was necessity.

The next day, we went to see Merril who was more than excited to see me. Our chat was amicable and short but she promised that the Dalish would forever be on her side and that when the time came, she would be there when we needed her. It was a comfort but not surprising. I knew she wouldn't mind helping out if I needed it. Instead, I asked her about Varric.

"Oh, you're missing him?" she asks in her cute accent. "I just saw him about three days ago. He said he was headed south to get some rest. He's been doing a lot around Kirkwall to try and help Aveline without her knowing it, oh!" She placed a hand over her mouth because Aveline was standing right there. "I messed up!"

I placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled. "You're fine. Thank you," I say hugging the smaller woman before setting off back to Kirkwall. "South…there aren't very many cities to the south of here so it shouldn't be too hard to find him. Aveline, can you send one of your guardsmen down to the city closest to here? If he was here three days ago then he wouldn't have gotten far."

"Yes, of course," she says and when we get back she does exactly that.

* * *

><p><em>What do you say to taking chances,<em>  
><em>What do you say to jumping off the edge?<em>  
><em>Never knowing if there's solid ground below<em>  
><em>Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,<em>  
><em>What do you say?<em>

~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"

* * *

><p>"I got news not too long after that," she finishes up twirling the ale in her hands. "This town is only six hours away from Kirkwall if you take a horse and ride the whole time. Then, I went to the building planning to break you out by force but I just saw that you were actually standing outside staring into nothing. I followed you here. It took me almost an hour to get up the courage to approach you." She flushes gently fiddling with her hands before looking up at me with her piercing eyes.<p>

"It took you an hour to approach me?" I ask skeptically.

She shrugs. "It…I thought it might be a dream. When I saw you standing outside of that building…I thought it might just be some crazy creation of my mind," she admits stroking a hand down my cheek smiling at me wistfully. "I've been following you for…too long. I just…there are so many things I wished I had said before walking away from you a year ago but…"

"Shh," I shush her gently seeing the tears in her eyes. "Come here." I draw her forward and kiss her tenderly feeling the emotions through her skin. We stay connected for as long as we can before I finally pull away.

"Varric," she breathes with clouded eyes. "I should have said this years ago but…I love you." My insides clench at her confession and I feel my heart pound harshly against my ribcage. "People use that word so uselessly but I truly mean it. For the longest time, I thought that you wouldn't take me back when I found you."

I look at her shocked. "You doubted me?" I ask with a smirk.

She shakes her head with a smile. "I doubted myself. I didn't want you to take me back," she admits dryly. "I will never be who I was, Varric. I will never be that woman who walked into Kirkwall with her family and companions behind her. I will never be that woman. I…am flawed and different; I have an anger problem; and I will never be able to fully control my emotions. You deserve better than that."

* * *

><p><em>What do you say?<em>

* * *

><p>"Hawke," I say jerking her forward suddenly. She yelps and lands in my chair, straddling my legs. "Shut up." I pull her down to devour her lips tasting her pain and guilt and the pent up lust of a whole year. "I love you, Hawke. No matter what flaws you may think you have. I don't want that naïve girl who got her coin purse snatched that day. I love the woman that would beat down any person naïve enough to do that; I want the woman that will go Berserk when her friends are in danger. I want that passionate woman who will pin me down and do what she will with me. Forget the past, Hawke. I want you as you are now."<p>

Her face goes from confused to a look that makes my heart throb. She doesn't say a thing and I watch the tears trail their way down her beautiful face. Leaning up, I kiss the clear diamonds from her cheeks and she turns to catch my lips in a passionate kiss that takes my breath away. "Maker, I love you, Varric," she sobs just like a prayer. It makes my stomach turn over.

"I love you too, Lillian," I confess enjoying the way it rolled off my tongue.

"I hate to interrupt this beautiful moment," a foreign voice states from the door making me jerk around. Hawke didn't seem too shocked to see the blond ex-Crow standing in a corner of the room right next to the open window. Had that window been open before? "But we have company coming."

Hawke jumps off my lap and moves to the door while grabbing her amulet to pull it over her neck. I didn't need to see her eyes to know that they changed color by some kind of magic. She looked out the window and chuckled lightly. "I didn't think they would get here so soon," I hear her say as she turns back to grab her cloak. She turns to me and smiles gently; she holds out her hand. "Come on, let's get out of here."

A banging comes to the door as I take her hand. "Open up!" I hear the voice of Seeker shout just as I grabbed Bianca to rush to the open window. Zevran goes first, bounding out of the window like a cat; Hawke swings her long legs over the window and pulls me after her. She jumps out the window and I go with her only to feel the air circulate around under us to gently lower us to the ground.

"Good to see you, Varric," Anders states when we are safely on the ground.

"No time to talk!" my lover whispers hauling me up onto the horse without warning me. I feel myself settle on the animal right in front of the woman who takes the reigns and turns the beast around. "Let's go!"

She ushers the horse onward and we are rushing through the forest behind the tavern. It would take the Chantry dogs a bit of time to figure out that we were no longer inside the building but when they did…I looked at the elf on the sleek black horse to the right of us and then to Anders on his corn colored mare to the left. Hawke had chosen a large burgundy colored warhorse and it was powerfully pumping its legs under us. I had never ridden a horse before and definitely not one of this strength and size before. Hawke looked like this was where she belonged in the world and the other two men seemed like they were used to it as well. I guess, I was the only one getting chaffed.

"Stop!"

"Shit, I thought it'd take them more time that this!" the woman behind me mutters harshly before jerking the reigns to the side. The horse turns sharply and the other two men follow her easily on their own horses. We rush through the forest at breakneck speed with one of Hawke's arms around my waist holding me steady as she steers the strong beast with her other hand. "Hold on, Varric!" We break through the trees and I have just enough time to see the large gorge right before we are flying through the air.

I have no time to scream as the horse's powerful legs land on the other side of the gap as tall as a Qunari. Hawke laughs triumphantly as the horses following us have to stop. The laugh stops short though and ends up a sharp scream of pain. I glance back to see what's wrong but as arrows wiz by our heads I can only guess that she had one stuck in her somewhere.

"Varric," she winces handing over the reigns. "Take control…I can't feel my right arm."

* * *

><p><em>Don't know much about you life...<em>

* * *

><p>I take the reigns into my hand. "I don't know how to-"<p>

"Just trust me," she whispers into my ear. "Just pull the reins to the right to make him go left and vise versa. I know you can do it." Her voice was reassuring but when I saw the trees coming on I wasn't as sure of myself. "Slow him down by tugging on the reigns a bit." I did as I was told and the powerful creature slowed slightly so that I could maneuver more easily. "They won't be able to get around that gorge for another hour or so," she comments as if she didn't have an arrow stuck to her back.

"We should stop and get your wound checked," I say but she shakes her head.

"No, we have to keep going. Just a bit longer," she grits out but I pull the reigns harshly to pull the creature to a jerking halt. She hisses in pain as she is pushed forward into my back.

"No, we're stopping and letting Anders see that wound," I say without allowing her to question my logic. I slip off of the horse and grab her by her waist to help her off as well. I hear her gasp in pain and I finally see that the arrow has penetrated the shoulder pad of her leather armor. It wasn't too deep but it was deep enough to cause her muscles to go numb.

Anders moves over after getting off of his own mare to look at the wound. "It's not too bad but we have to get the armor off and the arrow out," he states moving to his bag to grab his supplies.

The elf steps forward and helps me to settle the woman down on the ground. She tries to hold back the noise of pain but I hear it and so does the other elf. "I am Zevran by the way," he comments as we finally are able to settle the woman on the ground. "I have heard much of you, Varric."

"Nice to know," I chuckle lightly working the buckles of the Crow armor to get them off of the woman. "Can you cut around the arrow so that we can get the armor off easier?"

Zevran nods and pulls out a dangerous looking dagger. His hands are nimble and daft as he cuts out a hole in the armor gently. We would have to do this as gently as possible. I didn't want to hurt the woman more than I needed to; she was already in enough pain. "Hang in there, baby," I whisper as we start to move the armor from her chest. She hissed as we maneuver the hide away from her body. The arrow was in a good inch and I wondered if Seeker had shot that arrow; if so, she was a lot deadlier than she looked…which was saying something!

"Pull it out," she whispers breathlessly pointing to the arrow in her face. "There's no other way. You're just going to have to jerk it out."

"Go ahead, Zevran, you have much nimbler fingers than I do," I say holding the woman's shoulders as she leans forward to press her face into my neck.

The man gives a knowing smirk as his hand wraps around the shaft of the arrow. "Now, from what I've heard," he starts as he presses his other hand to the woman's shoulder. "You have quite the nimble-" he jerks the arrow out. "-fingers."

Her scream is the worst thing I've ever heard as she grasps my arms harshly. I can hear the tears in her scream and I wrap my arms around her waist to pull her close. Anders sidles up behind her and starts to work his magic to close the wound and stop the pain. I hate to see her in pain but I know that she'll be fine as soon as the healer is done. He tugs out the pain and heals the tissues and muscles until the wound is a mere memory burnt into all of our minds.

"Oh Maker," she whispers. "Let's never do that again."

"Agreed," I chuckle helping her to stand up after a good five minutes of massaging her shoulder to ease the pain that is sure to be burning in her mind. "Let's get out of here."

* * *

><p><em>Don't know much about your world.<em>

~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"


	11. Chapter 11

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Sexual Situations

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

* * *

><p>I settled back into the estate I had never thought I would see again and it was comforting to have the woman so close to me again. Of course, as soon as she got back, she had to go visit Aveline to tell her of what was coming our way. She kissed me good-bye right outside of the estate and promised to have my things back here in the next few hours. "I have to go for a bit," she says as she jumps back onto the horse's back. "I'll be back."<p>

"Lillian," I say before she can pull away. She halts and looks back at me with a questioning expression on her beautiful face. The sun was setting far on the other side of the town and it made her sharp cheekbones come out even more. Her eyes glimmered the faint orange that the sky had started to turn and I couldn't help but feel regret that she was leaving before I could properly welcome her back. "Hurry back."

Her cheeks glow a soft pink that makes the other two men chuckle softly. "Of course, love," she says before riding off towards the stables where she had borrowed the horses. I watch her ride off with the two men messing with her about our moment and I smirk at what those words promised for later.

I made my way back into the house and took in a long draw of the scent that hadn't left my memory even after the year of being away from it. I could practically hear Sandal yelling, "Enchantment?" at me from the entryway. I wasn't surprised to see it empty though. Hawke had let Olivia go with no small sum of money to get her on her feet and even helped her get a house in the Alienage. She taught her how to protect her money from thieves and then went on her way. I wondered if the elf was still in the Alienage for a few moments before I made my way up the stairs to the bedroom we had shared for the longest time.

It looked the same from when we had left it to rot. The bedspread was the same and even the furniture was the exact same. There was a fire burning in the hearth and her journal was on the desk at the other side of the room just as it had been a year ago. I crossed over to look at the page before she found me.

_Dear Journal,_

_ Aveline got some information about Varric. Her informant told us that he was in a town just south of here maybe six hours. Aveline said she would bring three of the Viscount's best horses for me to borrow so that I can make my way down there. I am excited but at the same time…afraid. I'm not sure how he will take my reappearance and a part of me thinks that he might just turn me away at the door. Part of me wants to think that he would just take me into his arms and everything will be like it was._

_And yet, nothing is as it was. I am not the same person and I know he will be changed. I just have this horrid mental image of him with another (dwarven) woman with beautiful black hair and brown eyes. I don't know why that is the mental image that I see but I guess it's because I don't want her to look like Bianca. Maker, that woman is beautiful! So much lovelier than normal me! Anyways, I can see her sitting in his lap as I walk in; Maker, that's a terrible image and I hate it! I don't want to see some other woman placing her lips on his! _

_My feelings for him…they haven't grown smaller with the time and distance. Instead, they grow even more eager for his voice, his touch, and his love every second I am away from him. This feeling is hard to grow accustomed to and I can't imagine what I will do if I see him with another woman. It will rip my heart right out of my chest and I won't be able to control myself. Just thinking about it makes my body want to go into Berserker-mode._

_Maker, if he does have a new woman…please, let her be away. I don't want to destroy something that he loves because…I love him. Oh my Maker, it hurts to think of what I'll do if he rejects me. All this year, has been for him. I have done everything for him! I have controlled myself; faced my deepest fears; and traversed my burning bridges for him. I wanted him to be able to hold his lover without fearing that she will lose control. _

_There is Aveline, I must go. I give one small prayer that he accepts me back. Please, I need him so badly it hurts. I love him, Maker, I love him._

_Signed,_  
><em>Lillian Hawke<em>

I chuckle at the words that the woman had spilt onto this page and pick up her quill to write underneath her name._ I love you, Lillian._That was it. That was all I needed to say so that she would know that I would never leave her again. I would never let her leave again, that was for sure.

I moved out of the room and decided that she was a while away so I would need to keep my mind off of what I was going to do to her when she got back. I went into the study where all of her books were still sitting around on the shelves. All of the books that Hawke had been given by her friends and I saw the shelves that had different books on them from the different people. She had one layer for Ander's Manifesto pages; another layer was for the books Fenris had suggested; the top shelves were for Isabella's smut; and the rest of the books were from me. The funny part is, I knew she read every single one of them at least once.

I took one of Isabella's books down from the top shelf, thankful that the shelves weren't too high up for me to reach the top. I pulled one down and went about reading it for the time that my lover was away.

Some time later, I heard the door open and close at the front of the house. "Varric?" I hear her voice say as she gets closer.

"In the study," I call out closing the book to stand up.

"Stay right there. I need to get out of my armor. I'll be there in a second," she calls out as I sit back down shrugging slightly. My back was to the door as I sat at her desk across the room from the fireplace. I had always loved this room because of how much time Hawke spent here when she got the time. Any time not spent in our bedroom, training, or out on missions was taken up here. She loved reading books and it was obvious to me that she had read all of these books. Even the one I held in my hand had dog-eared pages and notes written in the margins. This book, The Tale of a Knight and her King, was well worn with scrawling writing here and there to denote things she liked and things that made her cringe or things that she wanted to try. I was going to have to go through her books to see what I could find out about my lover's tastes.

"Varric," I heard her say softly.

"I thought you would never-" I stopped as I turned to see the woman standing not two feet away from me. She was leaning against the door frame in the sexiest little thing I had ever seen. It was a dark green and was a sort of dress that didn't cover much of anything. It had straps that went over her shoulders with a dipping v-neck down her cleavage showing off the scar that Meredith had given her some time ago. It went down barely enough to reach her mid-thighs and billowed about her frame, showing off the beautiful curves of her body. There was a strange design on the front that resembled elvish writing. "Oh Maker," I breathed as she pushed off of the frame her cheeks gently flushed as she stood tall staring down at herself.

"I got it…before the problems with Meredith became too much so…" she stopped but I knew what she was staring at. Her scar. It was obviously a very touchy thing for her to show off but I couldn't have been more aroused if she had been completely naked. Something about showing but hiding made me want to rip that silken thing right off of her and express just how much I had missed her.

I stood up and moved to wrap my arms around her waist. My face was at the perfect height so that I could kiss the tip of the scar tickling her collar bone. Her body instantly reacted to my touch and I could feel her pulse under my lips flutter. Her hands moved to release my hair from its confines and I felt her fingers brush through the golden strands lazily. I slowly trail my tongue up from the edge of her bodice to the tip of her scar. She shudders harshly gripping my hair tightly as I lean up to kiss her neck.

She practically falls into my arms as her legs cease to function properly. It never ceased to amaze me how sensitive she was at this spot of her body. I dipped down to pick her up off of the floor hearing her gasp as I walk her out of the room to our shared bedroom. Her lips work at my ear playfully driving me close to insanity as she whispered sweet and dirty things into my brain. It set my loins on fire, making me wish there weren't so many stairs.

Finally, I made it too the room and eagerly threw her onto the bed throwing my duster to the ground before climbing up onto the bed to touch the woman's foot gently. She jerked and I wondered how long she had gone without anyone touching her like this since we had parted ways. I hadn't touched another person since we left and I was feeling it in my blood and my body. I hadn't lusted over another person since I first saw this woman writhing under me with flushed cheeks and heaving breasts.

I made my way across the bed running my fingers across her legs that were so smooth and long. She had the most beautiful legs I had ever seen and I scoffed at the Dwarves who believed that humans had too much leg. Hawke's legs were like a work of art out of marble; they were strong and could kill a man with one harsh kick. It made me want to wrap them around my waist and plunge into her. I stopped at the middle of the bed to raise one of the woman's knees kissing the beautiful skin before pulling her closer to me. She yelps and I watch as the cute little gown starts to inch upwards nearly showing off everything.

My fingers trailed up her thighs and she threw her head back wantonly whispering my name. It was like a prayer, a beautiful prayer. I gently spread her legs with my hands finding that her skin was trembling as I slowly pushed the silk up to expose her most intimate parts. My insides curled when I saw that she wasn't wearing anything under that dress of hers. I felt my pants grow tighter and harder to deal with when I caught her heady scent soaking the air around me. It was intoxicating.

I felt the woman's skin quaking under my fingers as I slowly inched my fingers down her thighs. I wanted this so badly but I wasn't going to take this too quickly. I needed her to know how much I had missed her. She groaned and tensed when my fingers graced up her lips until I finally placed one hand on her stomach and pushed a finger deep inside of her. She arched her back with a strained gasp that had me moaning in lust. Her noises still hadn't changed since I had last had her in this position.

Pushing my finger in as far as it will go I start to thrust into her knowing she wasn't going to last long. She is incoherent already with her body trembling under my hand. I lean down slowly while she is distracted and take her clit between my lips to draw long and hard on it. She screams out in shock and nearly comes off the bed. I keep my hand on her stomach as I crook my finger to eagerly edge her towards her first orgasm in what was obviously a year.

She freezes for a mere second before gritting out my name in a very powerful orgasm that has her nearly seizing on the bed under me. While I insert another finger into her depths I work my pants down away from my body. I wasn't going to last long like this. She was obviously very ready for what we both wanted. I stretched her with my two fingers as best I could but by that time she was begging incoherently for something I knew she wanted.

I finally was free and tugged her closer to press my head against her entrance. She wrapped her legs around my waist as I took her by the hip and drove myself into her warmth. Her scream was a mixture of pleasure and pain but she just arched her back drawing me deeper with her legs. I had never felt so shocked by her beautiful and as I leaned forward I tugged the little dress off of her body so that I could see every inch of every scar that covered her body. She seemed a bit hesitant but finally relaxed and stretched out for me on the bed.

Maker, she was beautiful. Even with that huge scar going down her stomach-no, that made her even more beautiful in my eyes. I thrust into her without holding back and enjoyed the feel of her skin against mine. I pulled her close so that I could draw her nipple into my mouth and suckle gently. My name sounded better than anything I had ever heard some out of anyone's mouth and I knew that there was no way I wasn't going to last very long at this rate.

"More, Varric!" she screams gripping my hair desperately as I draw deeply on her nipple. Her moan spurs on my thrusts and I move faster but keep pushing as deep as I can go into her. She clings to me and I can feel myself coming closer to the edge as she tenses up. I feel myself cum when her insides clench around my shaft and she screams my name in total ecstasy.

I ride out the orgasm for a few more thrusts before I settle beside her on the bed feeling her body cuddle up against mine. She smiles contently as she pants softly against my neck. I wrap my arm around her back and pull her up against my side kissing her forehead. She chuckles wrapping her arm around my chest. "I love you, Varric," she whispers hoarsely.

"I love you too, Lillian," I whisper as I slowly feel myself slipping into unconsciousness. Just the feel of her up against me after so long of sleeping alone was enough to send me into a very content trance.

"Hey Varric?" I hear her whisper softly against my ear.

"Yes?"

She stays silent for a second and I think that she might have fallen asleep until she sits up on her arm staring down at me. "Never leave, okay?" she states easily kissing my lips.

"Where did that come from?" I laugh softly as I strip off my shirt so that I can get comfortable with her.

She shrugs slightly and leans back against me. "I don't know. I just don't want you to leave!" she laughs brightly licking my neck playfully.

I smile and pull her up to lay across my chest. Her full breasts were pressed against me in a way that had my insides curling and I could feel her legs bend to straddle my waist. "If you ever try to walk away from me again, Lillian Hawke, I will tie you up and lock you in this room," I promise running my fingers down her back slowly. She shivers when my fingers touch the small of her back and I smirk.

"Mm, tying me up?" she asks in a seductive voice. "Sounds like fun…promise?"

"Oh yes," I whisper as I open my mouth to taste her neck. She tenses up and jumps as her body heats up overtop of mine. "I won't let you leave again."

"Promise?" she asks in a voice that has deeper meaning than I know she shows on her face. I smile and I lean up to kiss her lips soundly.

"I promise," I whisper and flip her over to press her into the bedspread. If this night was going to go anything like I planned than she wouldn't be leaving this mattress for a long, long time. Then, we would stay about lazy all day in bed and when we felt like it we'd get up and make some food. But until then, we would do what we wanted to do and no one was going to sidetrack me. Now that she was back where she belonged and I had her where I wanted her…I wasn't going to let go.


	12. Chapter 12: The Hero of Ferelden

**A Place to Rest My Head**

Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric

Rating: M+

Warnings: Sexual Situations, Violence, Cursing.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.

* * *

><strong>AN: So this chapter is something I decided to add in when I decided to put Kora in this story. I had started a story for the first Dragon Age game but I never got it done so instead, I added her in here. Kora was my character in the first Dragon Age story and when I found out she couldn't marry Alistair in the end I decided to add in my own twist to it. So this is a chapter based solely on Kora and her past with Alistair and how she came to go look for Zevran. ****  
><strong>**Thank you for reading my story!**

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>My swords feels too heavy for my small body but I have to keep going. I have to destroy the Arch Demon or all will be lost. I have to find my paradise tonight. I rush the crippled dragon-looking beast with my double swords feeling the weight of this on my shoulders. I knew that this was my choice and as I got closer I shoved Alistair back so that he didn't accidentally do what was to be my job. He called my name but I had to keep going or I would pass out. My body was running on nothing but adrenaline.<p>My skin was sweaty and covered in a mixture of dust, mud and blood from all sorts of creatures. I felt the muscles in my legs and arms crying out for a break. Just a little further, I thought eagerly, I'm almost done. Almost done. I kept saying it in my brain like a prayer as I finally get close enough to propel myself onto the beast's long neck. It takes all of my strength to get myself airborne and when I land my arms are aching so badly I don't think I can finish the job.<p>

With one last ditch effort I cling to the monster and destroy it with a downward thrust of my double swords. I can hear myself scream but it is a distant echo that makes my head swim as my blades pierce through the scales then the skull and finally enter the brain. I can barely feel the electricity rush through my body as the taint flies through my body. Oh how long had I waited for this moment? It felt like the night would never end.

My head pounded and I felt everything grow blurry and for a second I opened my eyes to see Alistair and Zevran and Wynn rushing forward as I fell off of the dying dragon. I hit the ground hard but I didn't feel a thing. I heard my name being called but it was like I was underwater and it sounded distorted even when I felt myself being cradled by two very strong, familiar arms. I looked up and saw Alistair's worried face; his lips were moving but I could see the darkness at the edges of my vision as I slipped away.

I smiled and leaned up to kiss him fully on the lips. I needed one last piece of him before I let my soul go. He pressed into me like he wasn't supposed to and I clung to his neck as if he were the one dying. His tongue danced a dance it had gotten so accustomed to with mine. We knew this dance well and we danced it once last exhausting time before I slipped into unconsciousness hearing the muffled noises but seeing nothing.

My dreams were muddled and ugly with dark shadows and the sounds of the dying Demon. I thought this was my Hell but as I kept dreaming I suddenly felt something be jerked from my body. It felt like the darkness was lifted from my eyes and I took a huge gasp of air as if I hadn't breathed in weeks. My eyes snapped open and I flung myself up to see castle walls and a giant four poster bed with drapes hanging from it. This couldn't be my paradise.

I jerked my head around when I heard the door open. "You're awake," the elf said as he walked into the room with a tray full of food. "Morrigan said you would wake up today. I did not believe her. Your breathing was erratic for a long time." He sets the food down on the table next to the bed and sits on a chair staring at me with those unnerving brown eyes.

I stare around me at the room then back to his face feeling afraid and confused. Why wasn't I dead? Was Zevran my paradise? No it couldn't be. "Why am I not dead, Zevran?" I ask in a voice that doesn't sound like my own.

He doesn't act as shocked as I thought he would. He knew. He knew I was supposed to die from killing the Demon. "Because, you deserve a second chance," he states leaning back in his chair. He wasn't wearing his usual Antivan armor. No, instead, he was wearing a set of silken garments that covered his lithe frame beautifully. It was a beautiful green and gold mixture that made my look at him as an Angel rather than an elf. His blond hair was clean and brushed back into a wrap that kept it out of his angular face. His cheekbones were so high that they cast shadows on his cheeks from the lamp light of the room. It was night; how long had I been asleep?

"What are you talking about?" I ask softly fearing the answer even as I asked the question. I didn't want to know what he meant.

"I knew you wouldn't ask Alistair to become intimate with Morrigan," he states making he stare at him confused until it clicked. "Yes, I was listening in on the conversation between you and the witch. I knew you wouldn't want to ask Alistair, the man you loved, to sleep with her so I asked for you."

The information took a while for it to soak in and when it did I felt fire boil in my blood. I felt my vision go red; I started to tremble from the tips of my fingers down to my toes. Why would he do that without my permission? How could he make that decision? "How could you?" I whisper softly making him lean in. "How could you?"

He jerks back at my scream staring at me with confusion. "What do you mean?"

I feel the betrayal soak deep within my heart and then the emotions that I had wanted to escape. The thought of Alistair never spending another night with me; the awkwardness that would forever dictate our lives; the vision of seeing him married off to some noble woman; and the vision of him having kids with her. It ached in my chest and made tears spring into my eyes. I didn't want to see him happy with some other woman; some other human woman. I wanted him to be happy with me.

"You idiot!" I cry softly into my hands feeling the anger well inside of my chest but die in anguish. "I wanted to die!" His face shifts from confusion to shock and he reaches out to touch my shoulder. "Don't touch me!" I snap jerking away from his touch. "Don't touch me, Zevran! What right did you have to decide something like that for me?"

"Kora," he whispers soothingly pulling me into his lap to stroke my surely messed up white hair. I struggle with him for a few seconds but I am so tired that I just slouch against him and cry into his shoulder. "You don't need to die for Alistair, Kora. I know you are angry now but someday you will thank me." I don't believe him but I cling to him anyways feeling the warmth and sympathy of someone was intoxicating me. I hadn't been held like this in a very long time. To feel someone's hand stroking my hair made me feel better, slightly, even if it wasn't the man that I had loved and lost. "Come to Antiva with me," he says suddenly making me jerk up to look at him.

"What?" I whisper hoarsely.

"You need to get away from this city of fools and go somewhere new," he whispers cradling my face in his strong, lithe hands. I shifted slightly and found myself straddling the man's legs with my own staring down at his beautiful face. He was such a lovely person even though behind that face was a pervert and a compassionate man. How he could mix both together I will never know but I was suddenly mesmerized by that look in those beautiful eyes. "I'm going to be completely honest, Kora. I love you. I haven't felt this way about any other person except for one and she died by my hand. I know you love Alistair but if you come with me and give me the chance I can give you a second chance at life. Come with me, give me a chance."

His words touched my heart and I felt for a second that I might be able to change my life and escape this terrible fate. I felt his hands pull me down until my lips brushed his. I jerked back but he had his arms down on my waist in a second to hold me there. "Zevran…no…I-" I try to protest but he shushes me softly.

"Just once," he whispers tenderly and even though I am pulling away he leans until I can't go any further. "Just once…" I stare into his eyes and relent. I let his lips caress mine in a way I had only ever let Alistair do. His kiss was so much different than Alistair's but not in a bad way. I felt the passion and the desperation so clearly through those brief touches. I suddenly needed more contact so I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him flush against my body. His arms curled around me tightly until there wasn't any space between the two of us and I felt his tongue brush against my lips.

I opened up for him. I let him explore my mouth and I delved into his to taste the spice that made him who he was. His kiss was so much more artful than Alistair's and I found myself getting lost in the contact. It had been so long since I had been touched and I was desperate for any kind of comfort. We pulled away panting after a few moments when neither of us could stand it. I pressed my forehead into his and closed my eyes for a few moments to compose myself. I had to admit that Zevran had a certain appeal to him. He was tall, lithe, quick witted and quite attractive. Plus, he was an elf and so was I. I felt the urge to go with him pull at my soul; I needed to get away from here but…I couldn't leave Alistair as he was. It wouldn't be right.

"Zevran…I-" he shushed me with another mind-blowing kiss that made the spark of lust light inside of my chest cavity.

"I know," he whispers when he pulls away and stands up to set me to the bed again. "I know that you have to stay here, Kora. I know, but…" He leans down and kisses me slowly, softly as if savoring my flavor. "My offer still stands no matter where I am." He leaves the room and leaves me with a heavy heart and confusion that I think about long after he is gone from the shores of Ferelden about what he offered to me.

Everyday, after I see him off on that boat I think about what he offered to me. I don't go though. I don't go see him even though the offer still stands. I never go until that one thing that breaks me down. To see Alistair married to a very prominent noble woman from the Cousland family. She is beautiful and she knows how to wield a blade so I accept her for who she is but I think she knows that Alistair and I had a past. I think she sees the way he still glances at me when he thinks I'm not looking.

I still feel the heated glances he sends me in the hallways, in the corridors, in the dining hall, and even in court. He thinks I do not see those beautiful eyes glance my way but I do. I feel them deep within my skin and then I think about Zevran's offer. Lady Cousland looked beautiful when she walked up to Alistair in their wedding.

The whole wedding, I think, Why am I here? Torturing myself with this image that will stay with me forever? I don't have a question but when they start talking about children I relent and start planning to go to find Zevran. I need him. I need that second chance and I get it.

His letters never stopped once he left. He sent letters to me every week and every time he's in a different place. Finally, the letter comes when he states that he will be in Antiva for a long period of time on business. I know that I have to go there. I need to find a way to get there without letting Alistair hold me back and I know he will.

It comes in the form of a Champion. The one from Kirkwall with the silver eyes that Alistair had told me about. She takes me away from this place even if Alistair tries to keep his hold on me. No, this is what I have to do.

~~~

Kirkwall is a beautiful city, so much more beautiful than Denerim. I hated that city for so long that having to stay there only hurt my heart. I had worked to get the alienage set free but all I ever got were cries from close minded people who wanted humans and elves kept separate. How old fashioned. Their Hero was an elf from that very alienage and yet they still held back the hope that we so desperately needed.

I loved the streets of Kirkwall and even more I love the outside of the city where the mountains kiss the walls. It was such a beautiful area and I couldn't help but be thankful to have come here. Ferelden was dry and dirty with constant cold that was almost nonexistent in Kirkwall. It was almost always warm even in the winter time and there was so much greenery around that it made my eyes hurt sometimes.

Zevran loved this area too. He loved it so much that we decided to buy a house. I couldn't believe it when he asked! I thought it was kind of funny but at the same time sweet. He wanted to get an estate in Hightown but I knew what he really wanted. "No," I said smiling. "I want a house in Lowtown."

"What?" he had asked shocked but slightly amused. "Why would you want a house in Lowtown? You have plenty of money for an estate in Hightown!"

I smirk slightly and tilt my head. "I know you, Zev. You want to be where the business is and an assassin has no business in Hightown. Let's get a nice little house in Lowtown and we can fix it up," I say and end the discussion.

A week later we bought a nice little place on the upper level of Lowtown. It was a dirty little hole in the wall but with a little bit of tender, love and care we fixed her up nice and pretty. We bought a new bed for the bedroom, which was as big as it got but it was nice and cozy. It had a kitchen set and a living room and bathroom. It was nice and small, which was what I wanted. I was tired of huge, endless houses after living in the castle for so long.

I even had a writing desk for my journal, which I had started keeping after I saw Hawke's journal. It was a good way to release my pent up emotions. And a good way for Zevran to stalk me, obviously. Sometimes I find my pages turned without me doing it but I don't mind. We pretty much share everything now. We share a bed, a kitchen, a house and even adventures when Hawke needs us. I usually just do side jobs that help keep the money coming and I want to keep a lot of the load off of Hawke's shoulders. She worries too much about people and especially with her being a Berserker. I remember what it was like traveling with Oghren. He was a snappy little bastard sometimes.

Sometimes, I put sexy little messages in the journal for Zevran to read. Little things like "man Zevran's ass looked good in those tight leather breeches today" or "Maker, I thought about something terrible while watching Zevran cook today" just to catch his attention. It made things interesting in our life. I still had yet to have sex with Zevran. I don't know what I'm so afraid of but…I just…I'm afraid that it won't be the same once we've had sex. It wasn't when Alistair and I had sex for the first time. It was awkward afterwards until about the sixth or seventh time we had done things then he finally got used to it.

Sure, we've kissed every now and again but it wasn't like after I woke up that one day after I had slew the Demon. He held back until I was the one to initiate everything. I didn't mind but at the same time sometimes I just wanted him to dominate me. Just for him to do what he did when the Demon was dead. Hold me there and kiss me until I couldn't see straight; until all of the hesitation was gone and I knew what I wanted.

~~~

Setting down my pencil, I stared at the page wondering if Zevran would read this all the way through. I didn't have time though to think about it when there was a knock on the door. That must be Anders. I had asked him to come so that he could do me a huge favor. I opened the door to the front of the house and saw the tall, very dashing young mage standing there in his lovely feathered outfit. He smiled charmingly at me and I smiled back. Anders had become a kind of comfort for me; he reminded me a lot of Wynn and I missed her deeply ever since the spirit inside of her body had departed back to the Fade.

"Hello Anders, Justice," I say holding open the door to allow the twin man into the room. I was pretty sure I was the only person Justice ever truly came out around and I wasn't sure if it was because he knew that I had dealt with Wynn or just because he liked me for some reason.

"Good evening, Kora," he says as he enters the house looking around. "This place just gets cleaner and cleaner with every day I come by." His voice was full of amusement and awe at the fact that I could turn a dirty little house into a place worth living. I was pretty sure even Hawke had thought about trading in her estate for a nice cozy little Lowtown abode.

"Thank you, Anders!" I smile brightly closing the door behind him and gesturing towards the small space that served as a kitchen and a dining area. We sat down across the table from each other and he cleared his throat when I had finally settled a cup of tea in front of him. I had been around Leliana way too long; she never went anywhere without tea and I had come to find myself enthralled with Kirkwall's tea as of late. It was very good and made by the elves in the Alienage, though their area for the elves was way better than the one back in Denerim. "Thank you for coming, Anders. I really appreciate you doing this for me," I whisper knowing that he was keeping silent for a reason.

He nods solemnly. "So you think that when you fought the Arch Demon…" he paused and I nodded my head slowly. "Have you had any pain? Any swelling or bloating?"

"No," I say slowly. "Just…" I stop feeling silly even though I knew that there was no way I could ever go through with what I wanted in the first place. "I shouldn't even think about it to begin with. I don't know what would happen if…I just want to make sure that there is no way that I could ever get pregnant."

"You two haven't tried?" he asks honestly and I don't mind. He knew that Zevran and I had an interesting relationship that was very rocky. I was nervous that I wasn't going to be any good compared to the many partners that he had had in his life. Of course, if I ever said that to him Zevran would probably smack me across my ass. He'd laugh at me.

I shake my head. "No, I just want to make sure there is no way that I can have children before I just jump into it. Morrigan told me that since the taint had to circle around in my body for a few hours that there was probably some damage," I admit running a hand through my white hair. I needed to cut my hair soon or it would get in my eyes while I was fighting.

"Well, we'll only know once I'm done," he states standing up to gesture towards the bedroom. I stood up and followed him into the room where I was laid down on the mattress with Anders standing over me.

"What will you do if it is true that you cannot have children?" I hear Justice ask through the lips of Anders. I don't know how I knew when Anders turned into Justice but there was something in the way he spoke and the inflection of his voice that gave him away. Hawke had told me that when in the Fade that his voice deepened but that had never happened with Anders around me.

I look up at the man seeing the lines that ran down from his eyes to his neck and beyond his clothing. His eyes were a beautiful crystalline blue that glowed brightly even in the sunlight. He seemed ethereal in the low light of my bedroom; I had always seen Justice in a kind of strange mindset because of being around Wynn. Maybe that's why he liked being around me; I didn't see him as an evil thing to fear but something to respect and enjoy being around.

I shrug. "I will bed the elf probably," I say but it means more to me than that and I know that he can see it on my face.

"Just bed him?" he chuckles reading my mind. "Nothing is that simple with you, Korashk. You love him."

I flushed lightly and smacked the creature on the arm. "I hate you, Justice," I mutter playfully and watch the smirk cross his lips before he went back to Anders.

"I hate it when the two of you do that," he comments before placing his hands to hover over my lower abdomen. "You may feel a bit of pressure." I nod my head and his hands start to glow as he begins searching my body for the taint that had always been there. Alistair, at one point, had told me that a Grey Warden couldn't have children but that was obviously wrong because Morrigan was out there somewhere carrying his bastard child.

I winced slightly at the odd tugging sensation that spread across what I assumed was my feminine parts inside of my body. He pushed my shirt up a bit so that he could press against my skin getting closer to where he was looking. I knew there wasn't anything to worry about but I wondered what Zev would think if he walked in on this. He would understand though he had no clue I was having this check up with my resident doctor. I could see the dotting of sweat on the man's forehead as he strained to search for what I had asked him to look for.

"Ah!" I yelped when I felt something odd being unsettled to the right side of my body. It felt like he was grasping something inside of my body.

"There it is," he mutters then moves to the other side and I feel the same thing. Finally, he pulls away and I sit up to look at him. He shakes his head. "The taint got to your ovaries. You don't have any eggs left, Kora."

I feel a huge weight come off of my chest and even though I knew I should be sad, I wasn't. I felt so much better knowing that there would never be a chance of me having half-tainted children with Zevran. I didn't want to take the risk that there would be something wrong with the child or that there would be something wrong with me if I went into labor. "Thank you, Anders, I appreciate this," I whisper as he sits down next to me on the bed. He reaches out and takes my hand.

"Do you regret being a Grey Warden?" he asks as I hold onto him. There was another thing that brought us closer together; we had both chosen the same road though he had run away from his duty. I had stayed and fought like I was supposed to. At first, I thought very little of Anders but I knew it was harder for mage Wardens then it was for a warrior like me or Alistair. After a while, I got over it and accepted the man for who he was and we became very close. He was quite impressed by my reserve to stay and change the kingdom I loved but I was impressed by his determination to help mages. We now had a mutual respect for one another.

"No, I would have died in the end anyways," I whisper bending my knees and wrapping my arms around them tightly. He moved closer to wrap an arm around my shoulders pulling me into a friendly hug. "I started off as an Elf in the Alienage of Denerim. I was the lowest of the low and when I was to be married I was kidnapped with a bunch of the other girls. We would have been raped by the nobleman if my cousin hadn't come rushing in to help out. I took out the entire castle of humans to get to my friends. I was to be executed when Duncan passed through our city. He heard of my predicament and called for his Rights of Conscription to save my life." I pause thinking about my past and smiling. "My life has been one near death experience after another. Fate always opens a door for me in the end and I have survived on borrowed time."

"What happened to your husband?" he whispers softly but I can tell he already knows the answer.

"He died trying to save me," I answer softly touching the ring that was still wrapped around my finger. "I kept it to remind me of where I came from and what I had gone through to get where I am today. I didn't love him; he was chosen for me by a match maker but I still respected him for trying to save me."

Anders is silent for a long time before he ruffles my hair gently leaning his cheek against the top of my head. He was so much like the brother I never had that I smiled lightly. Our problems brought us closer together. I was glad Zevran wasn't an overly jealous man or he would have assassinated Anders a long time ago. "Are you upset that you can't have children?" he asks after a long while.

"No," I admit softly staring at the ground. "I didn't want kids to begin with. I'm not much of a motherly figure!" I laugh softly at the words coming out of my mouth but at the same time I knew they were true. I never wanted to be a house wife. In fact, all I ever wanted was to be in a relationship so much like what Zev and I had. If I had stayed with Alistair it would have been completely different even if we had been allowed to stay with each other. We wouldn't have been able to have children and I would have given him up eventually.

He leaves after a while of just sitting there talking and I go about getting the place cleaned up a bit. Zevran had gone on a mission with Hawke today seeing as Varric had business somewhere else today and Isabella had to tend to her ship most day. She had asked this morning if she could borrow him and of course I had accepted and sent a message to Anders so that we could get this examination over with. Now that I was sure I would never run the risk of hurting a child or Zevran's heart I was ready to admit my feelings to the man.

I would have to get dinner going too. Maker, I hated cooking. Zevran was really good at that part of this relationship. He even admitted that he would rather cook and that he would rather we cleaned together. Ah, this relationship was amazing. It was all about compromise and wasn't awkward at all. We seemed to move as one whenever we fought and when we laughed it was usually until both of us were crying. Why had I waited this long to admit my feelings to the man?

I was terrified, that's why.

I hear the door open down the corridor and perk up. "Kora?" I hear the Antivan accent call through the house making my heart jump like it always did. I loved his accent; I had since the first day I had pinned him to the ground with my blades at his throat. The way it seemed to just slip off of his tongue was something I had never been able to resist; he had such a silver tongue and such a lovely way of speaking.

"In the kitchen!" I say as he walks through the entry way pinning me down with those beautiful sand colored eyes of his. "Hey, how was the mission?"

He walks over and plants a soft kiss against my forehead in greeting as he starts to take off all of the hidden weapons on his person. He was wearing his usual leather outfit and I couldn't help but watch him leave as he went into the bedroom to put away most of his weapons. "It was such a waste of time," he comments from inside the bedroom and I'm tempted to just attack him right there. No, I had to wait for the right time. "We were sent out to find some kind of tomb or something and it turned out to be another Dragon's nest. I think that Kirkwall has more Dragons than any other place I have ever seen before!"

I walk into the room behind him and lean against the door frame as he sets all of his poisons and potions onto the bedside table. "I was going to start dinner. What do you want?" I ask softly as he looks up at me from behind that sheen of blond hair. I had always wondered why he kept it so long but he never answered me with a straight answer. It wasn't like I didn't enjoy how he looked it was just that I couldn't stand it when my hair got in my face.

"No, my love, we are going to the Hanged Man tonight for some drinking and fun with our companions tonight," he informs me as he starts to take off the top of his leather outfit. I guessed he was changing for the occasion but I felt just fine in my silken top and pants that Hawke had given me as a moving in present.

I smile slightly at the proposition knowing that I probably wouldn't be up to anything after hanging out with Hawke and her gang of fools. They were so exhausting and that woman could drink with the best of them and I was a damn good drinker! Sometimes I wondered if Oghren would come along if I ever invited him around just so that we could hear him go on his drunken rants again. Oh it was so funny when he got drunk and he was drunk most of the time!

I walk back into the kitchen to keep myself from staring at the beautiful elf and occupy myself with grabbing my dagger out of the drawer in the kitchen. I always kept one hidden away in one drawer or another just in case someone tried to attack me in my own home and I was in normal clothing. Of course, no one would be stupid enough to do that but I wasn't sure if I wanted to take the chance of assuming people were smart. I slipped that dagger into my boot and went ahead and slipped a cutting knife into my other boot for good measure though the streets had been pretty calm since we moved in not too long ago. It seemed that having two very intimidating figures wandering the streets at all hours of the night kept the ruffians at bay. It was good enough for me.

"Ready?" I hear the rogue ask as his fingers push my hair aside so he could brush his lips across my neck. I tense up then relax.

"Warn a girl," I chuckle breathlessly as he replaces his lips with his hands to massage the tension out of my shoulders. Sometimes, I hated the fact that he was a stealthy fucker. He could sneak up on me without much effort and the Antivan leather he chose to wear was soft enough to make that easy.

He chuckles softly as he nuzzles my hair gently. "Where would the fun be in that?" he whispers in that sultry accent that makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I clutch at the kitchen counter feeling completely lost in the new sensations; he hadn't gone this far before and the feel of his hands kneading out my tense muscles was too much like Heaven. He whispers something into my ear in Antivan and even though I have no clue what he was saying…it was still sexy as fuck. I felt the tremors start in my legs and make their way up my body as his breath graced my sensitized ears. I hadn't had this kind of affection in what felt like ages and it had been years. Of course, I had tried going to the Pearl when I was back in Denerim but it hadn't been worth it. It just wasn't the same.

"Zevran…" I whispered softly feeling my legs start to give way. His arms wrapped around my waist and held me up so that he could run his tongue across the edge of my ear up to the point where he bit down playfully. I jumped and felt his hands clench to pull me up against his front where I felt his strong muscles press into my back.

Then, as suddenly as it started, he was gone and I was left to lean against the counter getting my bearings as he put his own daggers into his boots. "Coming?" he asks as if everything is normal between the two of us. As if there isn't this lingering sexual tension that is driving my lower regions insane with want. I just wanted to skip this whole thing and just stay in bed all night with him. I just wanted to complete everything that was unsaid between us. I couldn't though. Hawke would come after us if she thought that we might be in trouble and we always showed up to these frequent parties at the bar.

"Yeah," I say as I pull myself together and walk up beside the man smiling up at him. He had this knowing smirk on his face that I wanted to kiss right off of his face but I just held it in and walked out the door. If he was going to pretend that we weren't burning for each other then I was going to play along as well. I would get him back later anyways.

As we walked the dark streets he talked about the mission in more detail and I could hear that he was trying to keep his mind away from the fact that I was sending him heated glances. He was affected by this game as well. He couldn't hide anything from me and he knew it.

We made it to the Hanged Man within twenty minutes after we strolled around to check the streets for ruffians. We entered the bar and the sounds of a full pub made my ears ache slightly. Maker, this place was constantly packed! We pushed through the crowd until we saw the table we usually had in the back corner with the rest of our party. I felt Zev's hand plant firmly on the small of my back to urge me on through the crowd pushing people out of my way when they were too drunk to hear his polite comments. The hand progressively slipped further around until his side was pressed against mind and we were almost a single entity. It was a very unnerving closeness that made his natural scent intoxicatingly strong.

We finally pushed through the crowd to the table where the others were sitting and we took the bench reserved for us. Zevran sat unnervingly close so that our legs were constantly touching. We were served our drinks and the game of Wicked Grace really began because Zevran was damn good at it. I always kept my own but I wasn't the best at the game. Hawke and Fenris were terrible at the game and Varric and Isabella were the best players I had ever seen next to Zevran. Perhaps, this was a rogue's game? I wasn't sure but as we played it was obvious that the rest of us were no match for the rogues of the group.

I was pretty good at keeping myself from losing any money but Zevran always won a good amount by the end of the night. Halfway through the game I suddenly became aware of a wandering hand gracing my thigh. I tensed but when I saw that the hand was familiar I relaxed. We were, thankfully, against the wall so there was no way for any of the other ones to see that his hand was rubbing my leg every so slightly. It was the barest of touches but it sent my body on edge.

It was so hard to focus on the game with his hand making lazy circles across my thigh getting closer and closer to that most intimate part of my body. It was the most unnerving thing in the world to have him tease me so easily. His face didn't show anything as he continued to play cards while making my body get more and more tense by the minute. My pants were made of just the thinnest material so that I could breathe while still being comfortable. Well, that material was making his every touch stand out like he were touching my bare skin.

I folded my hand and settled back as the game played out. The best thing about Wicked Grace was that a single hand could go on forever. I leaned back against the wall only to find Zevran's shoulder taking up that space. I tensed when his left arm wrapped tightly around my body pulling me against him in a way where my body was faced toward the wall to the left of me. He kept his arm wrapped around me and pressed his cheek against my hair still perfectly keeping his stone face for the game. How did he do that?

I tried to keep my cool so I leaned my right arm against the table and bent my right leg to set it on the bench so that I could recline against my assassin comfortably. His hand pressed against my stomach. I sipped at my drink and nearly spit it out when his hand started to slip under my pants. The others were too busy bantering about how Zevran was always cheating in the game but I was quite aware of the hand slipping slowly under the pants and under clothing I was wearing. The closer that it got the tenser my body got until his hand was cupping my warmth. I had to hold back a moan as his fingers slide between the folds of my womanhood easing down until the tips of his fingers were just barely ghosting my entrance.

I held my drink in both of my hands to keep myself from showing my pleasure across my face. It was so hard not to scream out as the pressure started to build progressively in my lower body. Just when I was about to voice my frustration two of his fingers pinched my clit between them. I'm pretty sure I jumped a mile but when I checked to see if the others noticed anything they were all so drunk they were focused on each other. I was completely ignored, which was probably the best thing at that moment.

I felt the man behind me shift a little so that his lips pressed to the ear facing away from the others at the table. "When we get home," he started in that sultry accent that had my body throbbing instantly. "I'm going to take your breath away."

I tried to respond but he was already focused on his game again. He already had my breath especially when his lithe finger dipped into my entrance very slightly. Oh my Maker, I thought I was going to scream with frustration. I set my cup down and gripped at the sleeve of the arm that was torturing me. I pressed my face into the man's shoulder trying to keep myself from moaning when he pulled closer to slip his finger deep within my warmth making me inhale noisily clenching his arm as he started to pump that digit into me slowly as if he was savoring the feel.

I closed my eyes when he started to slip another finger into the mix stretching me out in a way that had me nearly crying from pleasure. I hadn't been this close to orgasm in so long that it made me bite down on the man's shoulder slightly. I know this had an effect on him because I could see the way his neck tensed. It made me smirk knowing he was just as turned on by this excitement as I was. His fingers sped up and then crooked inside of me.

If I hadn't had my teeth clenched in his shoulder I would have screamed in ecstasy. Stars floated on the backs of my eyelids as he continued to scrape across that spot inside of me until I thought I was going to die from need. Then, his fingers squeezed my clit and I lost it. I fell straight over that edge and bucked slightly against his hand. Tensing, I held tightly to his arm so that I could keep myself from screaming. He kept stroking that spot inside of me as I trembled and bite down into his arm until my orgasm died down; he pulled his hand away and out of my pants.

I pressed myself into his shoulder panting softly so that no one else would hear. He pulled me closer and whispered into my ear in his native language; yet again, I had no clue what he was saying but it was damn sexy and I understood the connotation underneath the way he spoke it. Even after my orgasm cooled down I still felt hot and my lower region still throbbed for something more. I needed sex or I was going to go insane. I needed Zevran to take me in the most intimate way possible.

"Zevran, you might want to take her home," I heard a very worried Hawke say behind my back. I turned to look at the woman whose silver eyes always seemed to pierce right through me. "She doesn't look too good. I think she might be sick."

Zevran looked down at my surely flushed face and got a falsely worried look upon his beautiful face. "I believe you may be right, Hawke. I will take her home right away," he said setting his cards down and moving to haul me up off of the bench. My legs were wobbly and I felt myself grow embarrassed that everyone was looking at me. "You feeling okay, Kora? You look a little flushed."

His words made me glare up at his snide face. "I do feel a little warm," I say softly though I'm sending dreadful thoughts towards Zevran.

"Then we will be going back home. Good night, everyone," he quickly states before wrapping his arm around my waist tighter to guide me to the door. We exit the building and once the cool air hits my face I feel much better but I still feel a little wobbly from the orgasm.

I wait until we're in a deserted alley in Lowtown to throw the man up against a wall. "You ass!" I nearly scream in his face though I'm not really angry. I'm just frustrated and he knows that as I press his thin, lithe body against the wall. "What the hell were you thinking?"

He just stares at my angry face and reaches forward to grab the back of my head; I feel myself being jerked forward into a kiss that makes my legs nearly give out. His hand fists my hair tightly and our teeth gnash together as our tongues battle for dominance. I have more strength than him but he is definitely in a better state of mind. He changes positions with me and I feel his knee press in between my legs pushing them apart so that he can grind against my throbbing warmth.

I moan as he separates to trail his lips across my cheek to get to my sensitive ears licking and nibbling at the shell then the lobe whispering nasty things to me in Antivan. I shivered as his hands slipped up under my shirt to fondle my breasts, which I never kept wrapped when I wasn't in armor. His fingers tweaked my nipples playfully making me yelp in pleasure. His head disappears as he dips down to take one of my nipples into his mouth drawing deeply. I lean my head back in utter paradise as he runs his hands down my stomach to my thin pants tugging them and my underclothing down so that he can completely remove them.

Did it ever cross my mind that we were in a very thin alleyway in the middle of Lowtown? Of course, but when he started to trail kisses down my abdomen it didn't matter. If anyone walked around those two corners I would probably throw my dagger at them. He was getting too close to that center of my body and my breath was becoming even more shallow right before his tongue dragged across my clit. I moaned deeply as he pushed one of my legs up over his shoulder and pressed his mouth against my soaked warmth.

I had never seen so many stars before and I couldn't help but compare him to Alistair. Never, and I mean never had Alistair done this to me. I had never had this sort of treatment until the Pearl and even then it wasn't anything like this. Zevran knew how to work my clit with his mouth like a damn expert and I couldn't help but feel another orgasm building up inside of my body. It was like a dam about to burst and I felt my insides starting to tense up just as a finger was pressed into me.

How did he know when I was so close? I would probably never know but when his fingers crooked against that spot I screamed his name so loud I'm sure I woke everyone in Lowtown. He rode out my orgasm moaning into my clit, which only sent me over the edge into orgasm after orgasm. After a few moments I leaned against the wall to catch my breath as he came up to kiss me passionately.

I could taste myself on his tongue and it only further aroused me to feel that warmth on his lips and on his tongue. "Fuck me," I whispered harshly as his hands went under my thighs. He pulled me up so that I could wrap my legs around his waist; his hand went to his pants as he pulled himself out. "Please, Zevran!"

He shoved right into me without any kind of warning and I threw my head back in shear pleasure that made my body quake. Zevran let out a low hiss as he pressed my hips down so that he could go as deep as possible. "Maker, Kora," he whispers against my neck. "So tight."

"Move," I command as he suckles at my neck. He holds my hips against the wall and pulls almost all the way out before slamming back into me. I groan and grip his hair to jerk his head up so I could kiss him. His rhythm rocked both of our bodies and I could feel the grit of the brick wall digging into the small of my back but I couldn't have cared even if you paid me. The feel of his thick manhood slamming into the deepest part of my body was something out of a Heavenly dream except better because I was living it.

Our noises probably could have been heard straight to the Hanged Man as we started to reach our climaxes. I could feel mine building and it was well worth the wait. "Kora-" the man grits as he starts to move faster. "I'm going-"

"Zev!" I scream out as my insides clench around his erection. He nearly chokes on my name as his orgasm cascades over him as well and I feel him spill himself into my body. I can't even breathe with how beautiful my orgasm is and I could swear that as it starts to ease all of the colors around me are brighter and more vibrant than ever before. I was probably just being stupid.

Zevran pulls out after his manhood goes soft and I feel myself being lowered slowly to the ground. "Kora, why did we wait that long?" he whispers hoarsely as he kisses my forehead.

"'Cause I'm an idiot," I mutter as he helps me pull on my pants. He chuckles as he fixes himself and then he dips down to pick me up under my legs. "What are you doing?"

He smirks and kisses my nose. "If you walk then it will start to feel a bit uncomfortable," he states as if it is obvious. I am confused for two seconds before I start to feel the moisture between my legs. I laugh softly kissing his neck as I relax back into him. "Why did Anders come to the house today?"

His question catches me off guard. "How did you-" I stop and just lean my head against his shoulder. "I asked him to check and see if I was sterile."

"Why would that matter?" he asks confused.

I cling to him. I didn't want him to find out this way. "I-I didn't want to take the chance that I could have children," I whisper softly stroking the back of his neck. "As a Grey Warden…I am tainted by the Dark Spawn. I don't want to bear a child into this world with fear that it will be tainted. It wouldn't be right for that child but…Anders said that I am completely sterile. Morrigan told me that it might happened because the taint from the Demon stayed in my body for about a day."

He stays silent for a long time before chuckling softly. "Good thing," he whispers into my hair as he opens the door to our house somewhat awkwardly. "I wouldn't want little Zevrans running around. It would be creepy." I laugh brightly at his words and kiss his lips as he takes me to the bathroom so that I can clean up before we go to bed.

I stand on my own and feel the liquid running down my thighs. I cringe. "That's gross," I mutter making the man laugh. I clean myself up while Zevran changes clothing so that we can get to bed. "Thank you, by the way." He perks up at my words and is obviously confused.

"You're welcome but I have never had a woman thank me for sex before!" he laughs earning a sharp smack from me. "What?"

"I wasn't talking about the sex…well, that was wonderful! Don't get me wrong! But…thanks for waiting this long," I say rubbing the back of my head as I go to fish out some new pants to sleep in. I look up to see the soft smile on his face.

He walks over and wraps his arms around my waist. "I told you Kora. I haven't felt like this for anyone in a long time," he admits kissing my lips lightly. "I knew you would come around eventually. It's my natural charm!"

I laugh and smack his arm again. "Right, that's what it was!" I smile as he pulls away to go to the bed.

"Come to bed," he says patting the bed beside him as I pull on my shirt. I smile and walk over to slip into the bed next to him. "So does this mean that I can wake you up for some morning sex?"

His words make me laugh but I nod my head. "You can wake me up whenever you want," I whisper as I place my head on the pillow his arm wrapping around my waist to pull me back against the curve of his body. We fit together like we were made for each other and his lips press to my neck gently. "But it had better be worth it."

"It will always be worth it," he whispers before I hear him fall to sleep.

I can feel that I'm not too far behind him and slowly the sleep claims me. The last thing I see is the house we have made with each other and I smile softly. This was nice. This feeling of belonging; this feeling of having a stationary place to stay where I didn't have to pack up camp and move to the next place. The feeling of having somewhere that was cozy, sweet, and a home where I could come to rest when I needed some time away from everything. It felt nice to have someone there who could take away the pain. Someone to make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry; someone who could take my breath away with a single smile. It felt nice…just to have a place to rest my head when the world got too heavy to hold anymore.

This was perfection. 


End file.
